silence. is a looking bird

momentarily silenced.

2012-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

I should have updated you all ages ago. Sorry for the silence been on vacation and am having a blast wandering the streets of chicago, curling up on the couch in indianapolis and watching the priceless faces of Jayde while we fly. Onward to Oklahoma in the morning. 

Rekindle and Refresh

2012-01-17T19:04:00.000-08:00

Recently, after many conversations with 20-somethings and30-somethings, I am sad to say that my music finding abilities is subpar. Withabsolute truth, (at least with my absolute truth), I was once what you wouldcall a music-trendsetter. Yes, I was one of those who used the term, “Yeah,they’re good, I discovered them a couple of years ago and saw them playing in avenue of about 20 people. I think I enjoy their old stuff a little bit more.”

Maybe this was just because I was young and thought I was socool in the un-cool sort of way. Like I said, I was one of those.

I’ve recently been having a conundrum of not really beingexcited about new music. As in, I haven’t found anything honestly to be tooexcited about. Plus, I seem to have lost the ability to know how to find newmusic.

The magazine that I’ve been freelancing for has been makingme very aware of this. They debut music that I’ve never even heard of with methinking, “Is this the stuff, the cool kids are listening to these days.” ThenI begin to question it. Why is this good?

Then I interview one of those cool bands and they starttelling me who inspires them and I fake my way through most of theconversations throwing out terms that I know can buy me 30 seconds ofcredibility. I break a sweat everytime.

The other night, I was attempting to actually find some NEWmusic that I enjoyed that doesn’t keep me bored. That isn’t only themelancholy-chill sounding music.

I want something that I can put on a mix and blast whilespeeding down the freeway. Right now, country is all I’ve been listening to forthe last 6 months. My ears are craving something more. I want to feel excitement through themusic and be able to fake-know the lyrics all the way through. Feeling good about what I just heard.

I went to youtube and from there stayed up until about 4 AMlistening to random music. I actually found some that are promising and look forward to listening more.

Here are a couple of my finds. Both are very different types but I got excited when I heard them. Listen, Listen

1. Dry the River- No Rest
2. Let's buy Happiness- Fast Fast

From a confessional booth.

2012-01-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

Pulls the curtain back. Sits in the chair. Turns video camera on. Clears throat. "Am I doing this right?" "Is this thing on?" Here it goes. Nervously looks away from the camera.

Don't worry folks, there is no scripted material here.  

This is reality. Not a false reality. Although, more recently I feel like I'm living in a false reality or secretly hoping that things aren't really as they seem and this was just a practice year.

I have come to the understanding that I am neither here, nor there. I seem to be experiencing a discontentment in my existence.

It brings me back to Lewis Carroll's I picture Alice going through the rabbit hole learning her lessons of the "Coming of Age" and what the really looks like. As her adventure ends, she wakes up from her dream. She is ready to grow into a lady, for she has gained wisdom in foolish ways. The foolish and childish ways are what will make the journey stick. She will always remember that she will never be old to dream and never be too old to learn something new.

home. A little background, I have always struggled with the idea of home. From the time of being a babe to the early stages of being an adult, the consistency of the same red, brick house is what I considered home. Six years later, when any person asks me where home is, I find myself unaware of how to answer. My only response is "I am homeless." There is a constant confusion.

Years of analyzing home and what do I have to show for it. A lot of slight understandings. And the most frustrating. I don't know if I will ever feel connected. I seem to find a little but of home where I go. Then manage to leave a piece of my heart. So as time progresses, I feel more and more scattered. Wondering how I'm supposed to be reunited with my pieces of home.

lost. Last January if you were to ask me, where was next the next step. California was not on my list. After some struggling with God. I realized he called me to stay and be still. In my opinion, I find I am in wasted time*. But, perspectives seem to be different.That's okay. Looking back, I'm sure I will reminiscent on that time saying, "Hey, remember that time that I felt like I was floating with no real direction, yeah that was fun." Being lost is not really fun for me at the moment. Especially, when I can't even figure out where I am. All I know is when I am sitting in church I get this feeling that I don't want to be here.

x marks the spot. Where is here. Here is there. There is here. Here is where. Figure that one out. Then get back to me. Here, spiritually. That's a loaded question. Just give me Jesus. Here, physically. When I close my eyes, this is how I seem to picture myself. Photojournalist style in the field somewhere. Writing wherever I can find a place, mainly busy places. In some sort of trance or zone that whatever I am working on is powering itself. That words are spilling on the screeen. Images are speaking for themselves. That the story of whatever it is wants to get out. It must get out. I can picture myself so driven. Then I open my eyes, look around and I see a living room and a couch that I am all too familiar with that seems to get more of my time that anything I am actually passionate about.

Source: facebook.com via June on Pinterest

confession. I live in fear. Almost everything in my life brings fear. I want to plan everything. I need to plan everything. I am a controller of time. This is an oxymoron of what I believe in. Especially what drives the woman, I feel I am becoming or am striving to become. The woman that I believe God is privileging me to be.

moral."Stay foolish, stay hungry.- Steve jobs.

Looks at the camera. "The best is yet to come." Turns camera off. Walks away.

Source: i113.photobucket.com via Samantha on Pinterest

* To my friends and family, who I get to experience life with. I just wish we could experience more together. You are not wasted time. Talks over cups of coffee, friends being united, African adventures, Scotland love, good beach days. I do cherish all of it. The moments of loneliness and anxiety and me not being a good steward of my time. That is where my regret lies.

under construction

2012-01-15T01:09:00.001-08:00

slowly but surely, i will figure out the correct layout. ay ay ay ay.

The writer: the beauty in the mess

2012-01-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post but then found this and I decided I needed to meditate on this. Make known all the messes I've been hiding under the bed and throwing in Monica's* closet.

“Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

* As homework, please watch the episode of Friends- The One with the Secret Closet. Circa 2002.

This example will make so much more sense. Here is a glimpse of what I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apvf4UihPd8

Music Review: Something in the Wheel

2012-01-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

Why I have never shared my love of this band? I have just been so darn ~~lazy~~ preoccupied with everything. (this is an understatment because I started writing this draft in 2010)

Something in the Wheel, a Texas/Oklahoma-based band delivers anything but unrealistic expectation for living a relevant life.

Something in the Wheel is a quirky duo, Michelangelo Morreale and Daniel Pease. Debut album The Life & Old Times of Ol' Nathaniel, musically produces raw sounds that contain honest lyrics that pull emotions by bringing sheer joy at points whilst other moments bring "a contemplating the world" mentality of what is just and unfair.

Here I stand and Let justice roll down are among those that share a heart that beats for something more than just the standard. There is great story telling to be told.
Something in the Wheel grasps that.

The harmonies of the two work together like peanut butter and jelly as well as the combination of instruments; the banjo, guitar, harmonica and mandolin, and and a few extra players thrown in the mix, the duo captivate a rather loyal community.

Something in the Wheel should be heard.

>>>> The girl with the latin tattoo.

2012-01-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to force the creative juices flowing, I'm starting a series with at least four installments to start. I only say four because as {most of } you know, I have a commitment complex. That is a little more than a funny joke. It is a slight problem. Here goes nothing.

>>>>>>Semper Reformanda. No she's not in the Marines. She referring to me which is I. Let's try this again. Ready. I.

I am not in the Marines, that would mean Semper Fi. Although Semper Fidelis is also latin, meaning "always faithful."

Now we are talking about Semper Reformanda. The real subject. A few years ago I was sitting through a Christian Heritage class at my university. This was the most dreaded class of the week and it happened twice. I say dreaded mainly because I learned almost nothing. Except how to curse excessively. No, really. True story, my cursing like a sailor mentality really kick started with this class. There came a point in this class known as the shift. If you were to skim through my notes for this class it would be clearly obvious to know where the shift occurred. The shift was the point in the class where my professor went on a random tangent and then picked up somewhere leaving my notes with inconsistency. This is where I would type my frustrations in anger. And officially stop taking notes. Contemplating the rest of the class if I should just walk out. I never did.

Mainly because I felt like it would cause a domino effect and everyone would follow. Maybe too many 80's/early 90's movies lead to this feeling. Another reason why I never brought a boom box to class.

I say, I learned almost nothing until I learned something. The term Semper Reformanda. "Always Changing" or "Always Reforming." Often times connected to Ecclesia semper reformanda which means "The church must always be reforming." I knew that the phrase meant something worthy in my life. Something that hits my core. The ability to always change and never be content. This is a challenge to not dwell on God in only one form. He is constant, but the way he reveals is not. Once we figure out a mystery, we lose interest. My relationship with God will always continue in mystery.

*photo credit:katie shroy photography

The coming of all things love.

2012-01-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

Winter Intermission.

The coming of all things love. It is the feeling of the first heat of a new year with the sun pounding on your skin. It is the sound of the first waves like a a heartbeat thumping and pounding-- All in unison. Celebrating that spring is coming; reminding that summer has not abandoned us.

Today is but a glimpse of all things love.

Today, was great. I can't believe I wasted my morning but that didn't stop me from basking in the remaining beautiful weather. I drove to the beach and parked in less than 5 minutes. I think that is considered a pretty successful day in itself. Can you believe it, the beach in January.

Well done 2012.

I am having trouble containing my excitement.

2012-01-03T22:12:00.001-08:00

AHHHHH. She is here.

I can't wait to meet you.

Congratulations to Edgar and Lucia. You're my favorite South Africans.

transition.

2011-12-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

Transitions. Let's be honest. They are inescapable. They are everywhere, you can't hide from them you can't not use them.

First they impose in writing. Then they become imposters in our life whether we want them or not. That's the things with transitions, there are always two kinds to a story. There is the seamless, perfect transition that just makes sense. Then there is abrupt shift in change that begs the question, WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD.

Transitions.

For the last 12 months, I have been in transition. Looking back on it and looking forward on it. When is there not going to be a transition. Life is a constant changing state. I can also say with honesty that this year has not been my best with everyone encouraging me there is a reason for everything. Actually, not in the cheesy way, but with utmost concern and with actual hope that this stage in life is just the beginning to something bigger. But what makes this year different than last.

Last year, I would proudly tell you what state of life I was in. With a smirk on my face, I would boldy say, Well, I am embracing the mystery of life.

Somewhere a shift happened. Is it my age? Last, I checked I've only grown a year old than the year before. Thus, this thorn in my foot, this transition has to do with me. And it seemed to be almost seamless--this is scary.

I hope to once again be able to say, smugly, I might add, I am embracing the mystery of life.

Without transition, the world is in a scary place. Life would be in a boring place. The transitions are what take us to our intended purpose. A purpose that doesn't always look as planned or look like it should in the conventional sense.

* * * * *

All of this came into play within the last 24 hours. A very grownup revelation. Last night as I was nannying a girl I really enjoy spending time with. She and her cousins asked me if I had kid. I laughed. "No, I don't have kids. I mean, I could but no, I don't need one."

This seemed like a preposterous that. Mainly, because I get the question regularly "Oh, what are you studying in school?" Et cetera. Then a little bit later I was talking to the girls aunt and was asked the same thing. "Do you have kids?" It's funny. I hate being considered still in school yet I hate being considered that I could be a mom. Somewhere there is a middle ground, yeah?

But it made me realize that I am getting older. In the last year, I have had a handful of friends embark in marriage. I have had a handful of friends make the decision to bring new life to this world. (A good, 6 or 7 of them are having/have had their babies within the last month or 2) A few friends becoming aunts and uncles. I have had friends move across the country and across the world.

In fact, one of those transitions are happening as we speak. At 5:45 this morning, I received the call and rushed over to their house, watching them walk out the front door to go to the hospital. Then waiting for the boys to wake up to tell them the good news.

How cool is that?

All of these are transitions. All of them are beautiful. There are the sticky transitions in the middle that add to overlooking and the taking for granted of the good.

some of my favorite words

2011-12-29T11:00:00.001-08:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Samantha on Pinterest

I use to stalk my boyfriend.

2011-12-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

is that creepy? 

Introduction: Ashley Wells

2011-12-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

all the things I meant to say

Dedicated to the girl who deserves the world and more.

She is one of those people.

Yes, those people. Life changing people that leave marks wherever they go. Great and small. With her great smile and always giggling personality. This is someone you feel privileged to have in your life, feeling so blessed every time she makes an appearance.

Who is She you may ask? Her name is Ashley Wells.

I have been able to call this girl friend since I was 18 years old. It's been over 6 years. Crazy.

I have learned so much from her and her servant heart. She gives herself away at the drop at the hat. She is an old soul, lover of art and the written word. Tea obsessed, the English way. She dares to try new thing and everything seems natural to her but I know she works hard.

This is the kind of girl who makes a pot of coffee and brings you a lovely cup the minute you wake up without even second guessing.

Ashley inspires. Encourages. Believes in people and their capacity to be great. She is a God-loving woman who has had her world rocked a time or two embracing it every time.

She has adventure.

I recently heard people call her brave. As I was contemplating this, I realized it is true. It seems as if she has no fear. She takes things as they come and continues to live. Relocating for passion. Always moving to bigger and better things.

This next stage of her life. Marriage. April 14, 2012.

Her and James Pierce, a man who I am pretty sure she has loved since the first time she spent time with him. A man who couldn't be more perfect for her. Their long distance relationship was spent writing letters back and forth and exchanging poetry. She made the big leap when she decided to move to Texas to be near him. Then some time later she said "Yes."

Here we are now, December 2011. Friday her darling sister through her shower and the first thing Ashley Wells was introduce all the girls attending and explaining how she knew everyone. All of us from different times of life, highschool, Vanguard, El Salvador, Oxford, family and future family. To her, all stories are important and need to be told.

Over the next few hours we spent hours talking about our favorite times and best time and how excited we were.

This is where I spoke for a while saying absolutely nothing of importance.

After a couple of hours, we spent some time praying over this lovely lady and her new adventure of life.

My dearest Ashley Wells, soon-to-be Ashley Pierce, I couldn't be more excited for you.

Even though we live so far apart and only get to spend a couple of hours here and there, thank you so much for sharing life with me.

I feel so blessed.

Sam or Ryan: Who wore it best?

2011-12-13T00:40:00.000-08:00

That awkward moments where you show up to a party wearing the same thing.

Here's the skinny.

The other night I went to one of the 31 bits annual christmas parties. You know those super fun ones with food trucks, booze [and coffee] and a photobooth-- to show that you were there and also to be really silly. Yeah, those ones.

To my surprise, and/or excitement, Ryan Longneck from Equals D Photography and fellow Give Prints* photographer was running the photobooth with his trusty partner. Almost jokingly Ryan says to me "You sportin the Give Prints shirt?"

Then I give him a look. The "you've got to be kidding me kind."

I look down. I have a jacket on. I look at him. He does too.

Here it is, moment of truth.

"Yeah, actually," I say.

I show him mine.

Then.

He shows me his.

So, what next?

He was running the photobooth.

The only thing that makes sense next is to document this "Great minds thinks alike" moment.

Here we go.

>>>> Who wore it best ?

*Give Prints: Everyone go to the page and like it and check back for fun things happening.

the girl in the green scarf

2011-12-08T15:48:00.001-08:00

I like my things. I really do. I go through these random complexes of thinking I have too much stuff but then I just kind of brush it off.

I like my things, I really do. But if you eliminated anything from my closet or even my mustard yellow desk, I would be completely fine.

For the most part none of this stuff defines me. I don't have an emotional attachment to any of it.

Except one thing. People that know me would agree. I have one accessory that I wear almost every single day. The green scarf. One of those Indian Pashmina scarves. I got it in South Africa at this random music/culture festival called in Innibos. I spent maybe $10 on the thing and had no idea what I was getting into. For the next 2 1/2 years I would wear this scarf like it was my best friend. It's been on so many adventures with me from the grand canyon, oklahoma, oregon, indiana, germany, scotland, london, south africa, zimbabwe, mozambique, the list goes on. It keeps me warm. It goes with everything. I get more compliments on it that anything I've ever worn. It has been with me through every range of emotions.

I wear it everyday until now.

The other day, Eli and I were going on one of our adventures before we picked up Ryan from school. I remember having the scarf. Then all of a sudden I didn't. Just gone. I called anywhere I could think. I've checked the school lost and found 2 times now. Nothing.

It is gone.

I feel like a part of me is gone.

It's silly to think that a piece of material could have this impact but there was something about it. This is probably the only thing in my closet that I've considered crying over. It was one of those pieces that I pictured me handing down to my "future" daughter and telling her stories of the girl in the green scarf.

You're Welcome

2011-11-29T22:41:00.001-08:00

Believe me you, you will thank me once I show you my newest discovery.

Time wasting. This is a nightly reoccurrence. The boy and I use Facebook messaging as our substitute for texting. So, when we are in conversation I have a relationship with my computer. I waste a lot of time online mostly perusing through blogs and pinterest mainly so I don't fall asleep while waiting for the next message. I would only use my phone but it takes me a while to get messages somtimes.

On my newest blog favorites, a well traveled woman. There are always fun finds.

Here you have it folks.

How great is this.

Constant rain sound.

I put this on before I went to bed. Instant Sleep.

It was glorious.

It just keeps going and going and going.

living in music

2011-11-25T18:23:00.001-08:00

close your eyes, stay here for a little while and let your heart skip a few beats.

Every so often, there is a perfectly placed song that seems to just grab you. This one, was in the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn pt 1. It is a beautiful song and it's from a band that deserves some recognition, Sleeping at last.

I listen to it and I just want to live in the lyrics. It's gorgeous.

///// I've waited a hundred years.but i'd wait a million more for you.nothing prepared me forwhat the privilege of being yours would do.

If i had only felt the warmth within your touch,if i had only seen how you smile when you blush,or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,i would have known what I was living for all along.what i've been living for.

your love is my turning page,where only the sweetest words remain.every kiss is a cursive line,every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who i've been for who you are,for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.if i had only felt how it feels to be yours,well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.what i've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,when i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it well.with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees./////

enjoy.

Home is where your heart is: I don't remember writing this

2011-11-16T00:20:00.001-08:00

Tuesday: 26 April 2011 

Trolley pushing. Terminal searching. Where the fuck is terminal 5. Terminal 1, 2, 3 and 4 all seem to beclearly marked by the heathrow express.

“Excuse me, how do I get to terminal 5,” I ask.

“You’re in terminal 5,” the heathrow attendant remarks.

“mmmm well then terminal 3,” I stutter. Shit, I got the directions confused.

In another trolley parade I go. Back and forth, back andforth. Today is going on adownward spiral quickly. Next train to terminal 3 in 15 minutes. Perfect, at least I found it. Thetopheavy Green rucksack maneuvered onmy back. Blue French connection bag on my shoulder and heavy camera bag thatweighs just as much as my rucksuck in my hand. All balanced perfectly, anysudden movement shakes my thoughts. As I imaginarily topple over into the mind the gap section. Brutal. I lean on a wall to stop my thoughts.

Ah crap, I’ve onlybeen here for 30 minutes. What to do, what to do.

Unfinished

Always unfinished

No endings

Only moments

Rarely ever a beginning.

An untraceable story

for something that’s dying to be heard

more than words

more than pictures

hear movement

see movement

watch it ebb and flow

there’s a story that’s dying to be heard

revolution.

As I’m sitting in the Londonairport, on this layover that is anything but pleasant mainly because I cannot checkmy bags and explore like I intended on. So I’m stuck in one section withoutmuch companion except for a measly computer. I have no desire to drown out mythoughts with movies, nor can I formulate a thought at the moment, and I’mrunning from my bible. As I have been for the last 2 weeks or so. I can’t say I feel nothing likenormally. In fact, I feel a lot.

Scotland is a fabulous city.London would be a fabulous city if I could explore, but cannot. I’ve never really been a tourist. InAmerica, sure but that’s always with the knowing that I’m returning somewherewithin days and maybe once or twice in mexico, but once again—that’s still America.But as I tour Scotland, I think I couldlive here but can’t really picture it. My heart isn’t really for Scotland.Although, it’s a lovely place to visit friends. As I’m on my flight to Londonfrom Glasgow—I picture myself in the bush. On field—doing something. Africantravel seems like a breeze compared to UK/European travel. In Africa travel ifsomething doesn’t work out it’s automatically assumed TIA (This is Africa)—Let’s make a plan. But in UK/European whensomething doesn’t work out a rise of blood begins and the only words crossingthrough your mind are cross. Shit. Fuck. Dammit.

Excuse my language, but I’m justneeding to be brutally honest right now.

But take me back to African life.And not just to South Africa which I have began to view as my second home. Notso much in the metaphorical sense but in an actual physical sense. As in I missmy bright pink bed and my family bound through Christ—and other minor factors.

But take me back andput me where I’m called to be. Among something greater. A calling that requiresall of me.

Floating

2011-11-14T13:14:00.001-08:00

I'm a floater. I'm not sure if I like the categorization. I find that there are pros and cons with that description. These days, I seem to be pulling more cons. Give it another month or two, I will probably change my mind.

Floating. It has this glamour effect. The wind moves, and you move. Easy as it sounds?
Maybe in a fairytale. Clouds don't hold you. Plummeting through them is typically what happens. In fairytale's, logic is not required and the monotonous daily tasks aren't accounted for. In a fairytale, who thinks about cleaning and making ends meet. The ends are already met and every aspect of life sparkles.

In real life, the ends don't always meet (at least not always when we want or how we want it to).

But thinking about this makes it more and more apparent that we are not intended for this world. We have always been created to work. We have been given that authority and that privilege. It says that in Genesis. But, I don't think we were created for what this world has to offer. This distorted viewpoint where material things are supposed to satisfy where money is supposed to rule the world. We work to live. As opposed to, we work for money in order to live. Now there is a standard that allows there to be another god that has given power and authority to something that does not truly have that.

I think of what C.S. Lewis said:

Source: Uploaded by user via Diana on Pinterest

Some days are resting on waves and other days are crashing waves.

But where is my mindset when these things are happening?

Am I making a home for myself in a world that is not mine in the end.

And my prayer is

2011-11-11T00:33:00.001-08:00

that my eyes be fixed on you 

&

       that my heart be attuned to yours  

Photography Practice

2011-11-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

sil·hou·ette/ˌsilo͞oˈet/

Verb:

Cast or show (someone or something) as a dark shape and outline against a lighter background.

Noun:

The dark shape and outline of someone or something visible against a lighter background,

Source: girlwithoutwings.tumblr.com via Samantha on Pinterest

Source: sidebysideblog.blogspot.com via Samantha on Pinterest

I really enjoy silhouettes, I've always known the general idea of how to do them but never really mastered it. Until, I decided today is the day. This is the moment and I'm going to do it.

So, I did it.

Random nights and wrong addresses

2011-11-06T14:50:00.001-08:00

I have a love for random and spontaneous night. Especially when good people and music are involved.

Last night was a defining moment for all of those things.

It started last week at a Give Prints photoshoot that I was styling. The Giveprints team started talking to our models(guy and girl) and discovered one of them lived about a block from me. Then discovered that I had in fact encountered the guy before at various shows that he plays at. I'm a fan of the projects he plays in. But he proceeds to tell us that he is having an actual hootenanny.

So why not go, it was within walking distance of my house. I went and had a blast and oddly enough ran into a handful of people that I know. I loved that this guy planned this event, a good hundred people, music, firepits, laughs, chili cookoff and brews all ingredients to a successful night.

Then after Bethany and I picked up Olivia to go to this art show in LA to see one of Bethany's friends. This art show was in little Tokyo and with miscommunication and a wrong address. We went on a search. First stop, comic book convention. How in the world this happened, no idea. Hilarious all the same.

After multiple circles around 2nd street we finally ended up at the correct location. I look at the art show lineup and see that a friends boyfriend was also at the show. Only to find out, all the random people I knew again were there. Not a single one of us planned the outing. And logically in all of our minds we wouldn't place each other at the art show. The art show was at times questionable but interesting, thought provoking. Overall, a good time. It was great to see all the people.

After about an hour or so. The girls and I decided that we needed food. After a few more circles around to find a place. I noticed a place that I had been to before with a friend and next door to the restaurant was another place that looked promising. Far Bar. Success. It was perfect.

Random assortment of food a cross between middle eastern, to burgers, to sushi-- all great ideas. Good drink selection and perfecting setting. We discovered the outside bar that was great. Twinkle lights giving the appeal that were stars, brick walls and heat lamps.

It was a nice, non-stressful outing that can sometimes be accompanied with the typical LA hustle and bustle.

And to end the night with a long skype date.

I'm a fan.

Photograph: one of my favorites

2011-11-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Meet Maria. I love her. I think of her often.

She lives in Mozambique and I think this picture captures her perfectly. She was born to stand out.

This photo is in my top ten.

Dear God,

2011-10-28T02:06:00.001-07:00

I am falling apart.

HELP!

-Your child

This is what happens at 2 am, when you've been trying to sleep for 2 hours. Panic overtakes, the stress builds, the mystery of the unknown weighs and there is nothing left except a pancake version of me in a puddle. What now, where now. I don't want to be here, in this state. This isn't how it is supposed to be. At least that's what "they" say. They being the ones whose lives are falling apart. I act like I am new at this; but I'm a regular.

"One venti mental breakdown with 2 pumps of tears, easy on the snot please. I am watching my appearance."

I am lost and all I want is to be found.

Kye Kye- Walking this

2011-10-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

walking this

Kye Kye's- Young Love.

Lyrics:
Closest friend, i'm lost in love, (Mat.22:37)(1Jo.4:19)
to know what you've done and why it's solved (2Ptr1:3 & 3:18)(Heb.10:10&14)(2Cor.5:17&21)
this perfect love, i'm dressed in grace (Ro.5:1-2)
to hear your voice in truth displayed (Jon.17:8 & 10:27-28)

Elude myself my heart aligned (1Thes.5:23) (Gal.5:16, 25 & 2:20)
weightless steps, wind through the chimes (Mat.11:29-30)
know who I am, through you I find (Ro.6:5-6)
peace of mind

I'm a river that's meant for flowing
I'm a moon that's meant for lighting the night
I'm the wind that's loud and soaring
I'm a tree that's tall and growing
I'm a fire that lights whatever's in sight
I'm the rain that's fast and pouring.
(Ps.37:4)(Gal.2:20)(Jon.4:34)

Tamed tongue, you're the words in my head (Jas.3:3-12)(1ptr.3:10)
you're a soft drum I hear, I can't wait (1kgs.19:12-13)
i'm nourished by the steps that I take
I find it in the way that you gave ... you gave (Jon.4:34)

Breakfast Diaries: I never wanna break up with you

2011-10-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I go to bed thinking about breakfast.

At least this is true for last night, I went to the gym, had a midnight snack and then thought, "man I can't wait for breakfast."

I love breakfast dates. I will never not go to one. I remember one time I went on one at 6 a.m. when I had only gone to bed at 3 or 4. I hate mornings though. This might be a crazy thing.

Southern Breakfasts are my favorite. Anything smothered in gravy. nom. nom. nom.

Lately, I've been on a Green onion kick. Actually, let's be honest. When cooking for one, you have to be on at least a week kick because then produce goes bad. So green onions have been going in EVERYTHING.

For instance, my Tuesday breakfast. Banana, because they are going bad soon; An egg, chili pepper, green onion, grilled tomato and Trader's Joe's variation of South African flavor (this one is still questionable for me); Coffee, there is always coffee.

creative outlets

2011-10-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Release me, release me, set me free.

I'm a rather visual/metaphorical person. I often time visual my emotions. There are pros and cons to this.

The last few weeks have been quite gloomy. I kind of felt like I had a permanent raincloud over my head that never seemed to go away and fail on my part. I had no umbrella or rainboots to prepare for what I was going through.

If it wasn't one thing, it was another.

Given, I wasn't doing my part in the situation. I was sluggishly accepting what was happening to me. I was losing the battle. A once foreign concept to me. I almost always have a little fight in me.

I was lacking in writing. I even had a good friend, well I kind of consider him an older brother, try to subtly tell me, "Hey, this is what you should do."

Non-committal, commitment phobe or layman's terms, "SHE HATES COMMITMENT."

This is something I hear rather frequently, almost jokingly. Until, I stayed at one of my highschool mentor's houses the other night driving through Oakland and I explained to her how I'm being and she replies with "Some things just don't change."

I was taken aback by it. This isn't a funny joke anymore.

Rewind a bit, back the the older brother figure. He simply told me, "It always helps me to write it down, just to get it out."

Now, you know those phrases "When I say this; I really mean this"

Him and I were discussing the day but what we were really getting to was a more understanding of my life.

He was right. Stubborn Sam just continued on though. Not even a crack open in my journal.

As days pass, my slump increased.

Until, this weekend.

I would like to call this a prison retreat.

There were pros and cons. Essentially, from Friday night until Sunday afternoon, I didn't even come close to leaving my apartment.

I hardly got out of bed.

But in the back of my head, I had this image of how I was feeling. What it was doing to me.

It needed to be released.

I was suppressed.

Friday night, I get home around midnight and I was up until 5 am-- laying the groundworks for a painting/art journal on canvas.

Saturday, I was at it again.

Once, it was released and understood visually.

I felt weight being lifted.

putting my words into cyberspace

2011-10-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've always be fairly comfortable with what I say to the cyberworld. Not that I'm broadcasting to every single person who has a blog that my blog exists.

I don't have anything to hide. I also feel like it is a "safe" space.

Because there is triumph and trial and I don't necessarily have to depend on someone other than my close friends feeling the need to grab my by my shoulders and shake me out of whatever state I am in at the moment. I use it as a place to process.

I can somehow motivate myself to type a blog over writing. (also, I've misplaced my journal within the last couple days-- which that is more of a tragedy than a lost online blog.)

Ever since I can remember I've struggled with "safety." In all shapes and forms but mainly the safety in trust and I don't trust everyone with everything.

So here I am struggling if I want to close up or simply write meaningless words. Which goes against the grain of most things I believe in.

Or do I just carry on, keep writing and cringe knowing that some of my deepest darkest thoughts are in the hands of people I'd rather not know.

Decisions, decisions.

Now on to being Proactive.

a little get away

2011-09-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

a retreat, if you will. 

The Oregon trail. I've seen a lot of people on the way from Lindsay Jo, to Diane, the hair stylist, to Oregon Family (Marks and Mitman.) Destination Wedding. Today's Destination: Saint Helen's, Oregon. Overlooking the harbor with mountains, trees and sailboats. Last night consisted of steak, halibut cakes and fresh green beans harvested from the garden and booze. Then an hour in the hot tub with sporadic rain while watching a family of raccoon attempting to find food.

Thanks my Oregonian family, I love you.

(I honestly should snap a few photographs but I'm just a bit lazy at the moment and that also means putting my coffee down. We all know that's not going to happen.)

///edit/// I ran out of coffee. here's a photo.

Summer, I love you

2011-09-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

I love where I live, I took some of these photos a couple of months ago in Laguna Beach. I love the rich colors.

Today, I spent the day at the beach. I love this time of year because it's when the tourism starts to wind down and the beach becomes a deserted haven. It's you and few people spread out. All of us in our own world; some holding hands and jumping in the waves, others walking dogs, while others read, as for me, I will close my eyes and listen to the sound of the crashing waves as it coincides with my heartbeat breathing in and out. Inhale. Exhale.

Sulking- let me act like a three year old quickly

2011-09-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'd really like to throw myself on the ground and kick and scream to get my way just for a few moments. Maybe I can throw a tantrum in an adult fashion. Is this even possible?

Dear World,

Ever since I can remember I've been intrigued by you.

You were once flat. People use to sail on a ship and get to your edge and fall into an abyss. That theory seems to suit me better at the moment.

Now, the theory implies you are round, circular-- you are a silly globe. Which, as mentioned earlier, is circular. Circular implies infinite, never ending. Which incorporates distance. 

I'm no longer intrigued by you, Mister/Miss World. In fact, I'm perturbed by you. You are more of a hindrance than anything.

For example there are 103 rivers, 30 lakes, 13 seas  and four oceans. 

Additionally, there is one major bay, the Hudson Bay in  Canada, and one major gulf, the Gulf of Mexico in North America.

And if you do the math, that is 152 major bodies of water.  

Thanks, I no longer care that I want to sail the ocean, raft the nile, etc etc... 

but instead I have 10,346 miles to conquer. 

I only have 2 legs and limited funds. I wasn't created with wings or anything cool like that.

My new theory, there is a portal bridge that hasn't been discovered. 

I'm off to continue my Columbus mentality. 

World of many wonders, If you fail me-- you and I are going to live a bitter co-existence. 

Sincerely,

an angry human being

(one of the 7 billion)  

long distance you can bite the dust 

ps. don't even get me started on my other problems with you and the problems you've caused through time.  

Where is my Joy?

2011-08-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

"I was a little girl alone in my little world...

who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing. I had a dream. Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream. Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream."

Everytime I listen to this song, I find this gut wrenching feeling that churns deep down leaving my stomache into knots. Priscilla Ahn portrays it beautifully. I'm sure hearing the song today didn't help at all. It's strange, I've been feeling pretty down lately. In fact, not happy.

I've been told often by people that they can see the joy in me.

It's funny to me, in all honesty. In the moment of situations, I'm high strung and overall, fairly negative. Looking back on most memories, I wish I could relive them and be a different me. I guess a new creation, if you will. I'm constantly having to die to self. I'm constantly having to be renewed.

I also find that I don't really like terms "happy" and "sad." I don't enjoy temporary feelings. Except for today.

For this first time in my life, I don't feel happy. I can't remember the last time where someone asked me how I was and I responded with "I don't feel happy."

When I would travel in Africa, I'd often ask some how they were and they'd response with "I'm fine."

That's it. zilch. nada. I always hated the word "fine."

It describes nothing but it rarely ever portrays a pleasant feeling. Maybe now I finally understand the use of the word "fine." I've been saying it a lot lately.

With that being said, I'm glad that I can have this temporary feeling because I don't like not being "happy."

So for today, temporary feelings you suffice.

My roommate Mallory and I have been having a lot of the same feelings. A lot of it has to do with self-dwelling and constantly not being content or satisfied with where we are at. We are both in the wrong for a lot of our feelings.

But as I'm writing this, I'm one of the procrastinators of all things. Even things I want to do. I decided to check utmost.org. I wanted to see if Mister Chambers had any words of advice for today.

Psh. Of course he did.

August 31-- I'm actually a few minutes ahead but in South Africa it the 31st and that's how this whole ordeal got started.

The title of his mini devotion is "My Joy...your Joy"

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full —John 15:11

What was the joy that Jesus had? Joy should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it is an insult to Jesus Christ to use the word happiness in connection with Him. The joy of Jesus was His absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice to His Father— the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do—

I leave you with that... how fitting.

Finding Clarity

2011-08-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

through a foggy lens.   

Folks, this is probably one of my less creative posts in a while. I want to write. I'm feeling rather uninspired and rather distant from God.

It is time to de-clutter for a but and re-prioritize. There are far too many distractions right now and pinterest and facebook are not my friends in this wasting time process. If I can spend hours daily on pinterest perusing lovely things yet not focus on a minute with God-- I have placed my worship in something else.

I'm not disappearing completely but unnecessary things are going to be eliminated for a time. In fact, there is a possibility of blogging more.

Philippians 4

Final Exhortations
⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

be back soon.

One of my absolute favorite children

2011-08-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

Kayla Danielle_-- if only your daddy could drive you to me.

Or even go to the ATM to buy money. It just breaks my heart when you tell me I'm too far away on skype.

IcanD photography

I know I know, you've heard it before. I love this girl. She has so much personality for a three year old and is very wise beyond her years.

Understanding this, you will understand my sheer joy when I woke up to this story posted on my skype.

Lucia: So this morning I'm drawing with Kayla, and she asks me to draw our family...so I draw Edgar and myself and Kayla and Joss....and when I'm finished, she says: "and Sam, and Sam!!!"

The first thing I did

Smile a big-toothed grin and then looked up plane tickets. Daydreaming about South Africa, pre-packing my bags trying to already consolidate. Then was hit with the realization that plane tickets are far too expensive. I'm reminded of this daily.

I keep hoping that I will discover my superhero abilities and fly soon.

Oh, you're making me blush.

2011-08-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

No really, I don't even know how to contain myself. 

I’ve been blogged.

Well, Not my personally but my work has. Fabulous.

I remember the first time, I found my photography elsewhere other than my wall or on my computer. I cried. Literally. I didn't know what t do with myself

I was 18 and perusing through an acquaintances myspace and there it was. A picture I had taken of an Orange County pier, just displayed for the world to see.

It was pretty darn exciting.

But more recently I've been getting involved with this Photography circle called Give Prints and my photography is all out there for the entire online community to find.

& Now the not just a housewife's blog.

so fun.

Daniel and Rachel: They're hitched

2011-08-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

Summer, Summer I love you and I love that you bring about wedding season

My dear friend, Daniel Cook, just tied the knot with his college sweetheart and I've been in on all the fun the last month. From Vegas Bachelorette Extravaganza's to Bridal Showers to the sweetest Picnic themed wedding-- it's been one hell of a time.

Rachel and Daniel are the chillest, most adorable couple around. I couldn't be more thrilled for them.
The day/night was spent outside eating BBQ, drinking lemonade and dancing the night away with great friends--no really. Dancing from the early evening to the wee hours of the morning. After the park curfew we continued the after party at our local spot. Rachel even came in her wedding dress. She was absolutely stunning.

Introducing the Cook Family and friends...

and finally.

always thankful

2011-08-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

You are my God, and I will praise you;

you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

psalm 118

"I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes."

2011-07-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

Learning to be a proactive self-starter.

After many committal issues and failed attempts to actually apply for big girl jobs... I've decided it's time to stop.

Who knows, I'm probably not meant for the 9-5 but I'm more than what I'm doing now. I'm always scared and I'm always failing. Why not fail at something that could lead me in the right direction.

My friend and soon-to-be roommate and I have discussed this multiple times. "Sam, what do you even want to do."

I sit there and pause.

"Well, that's a great question, Mallory. One that I don't know how to answer."

My smartypants remarks about "something creative with a purpose" or "embracing the mystery of life," seem to be taking it's toll.

Yes, I want to have the "Semper Reformanda" mindset but is that mentality for my life right now being open to God or is it just because I'm afraid and it sets me up to always have the right answer. Kind of confusing but it makes sense in my head.

"Semper Reformanda" is a phrase I learned in an awful "Christian Heritage" Course that I almost walked out of every time I sat down. Another story for another time but in looser terms it means, "always changing" or "always reforming."

It dawned on me that I'm on the road to 24, young still but by then I will be graduated for 3 years. And what have I been doing?

I've had a lot of fun.

But I've accumulated a lot of baggage.

I've been so blessed by provision but as an adult, I guess that's what most would call me, I've been rather selfish and scraping to get by.

Since I've been back, I've managed to increase my living expenses.

Community living has taken it's toll and turned me into an introverted craver. I get my own room now all inclusive with a bigger bed.

I get a new car, all inclusive with a bigger engine that likes to guzzle gas.

And my very own boyfriend that takes a lot of money too.

Rereading this phrase makes it sounds like I pay him. I don't pay him. He just lives 10,000 miles away.

Go big or go home, eh ?

Bring it on.

It's time to be proactive and create.

sam may create is now open for business, folks.

stay tuned.

//edit//God bless my momma, leave it at that. That's all you need to know.

banner inspired by "Overboard"- Ingrid Michaelson

so frustrated I could scream

2011-07-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

(pos) my computer is fixed. New screen, new mouse, new keyboard

(neg) my computer was wiped of all it's programs and information for no reason.

(neg) my "o" key hates me.

(pos/neg) it only cost me $500 to fix as opposed to $1000.

I miss my broken computer.

I'm not sure if that's the right way to phrase this, but it's all I have for now.

FML.

"Reading this makes my literary heart hurt,"

2011-07-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

says Bryan Dormaier, a PDX friend. 

The other day I was skimming through pinterest as I do so frequently. Thank you Lucia; you've created a monster.

On the upside, I do find quite a few fun finds and if I don't find a way to have this in my possession "I just might die" kind of things.

I used to edit for the school newspaper, I was an editorial intern for a local magazine once and I am the annoying friend that will correct your grammar/spelling.

Sometimes, it is difficult to tell because I make so many errors in my blog. It is because I rarely ever proof read my own stuff. This is bad, I know.

But I'm great at proof reading everyone else's material.

This pinterest was a perfect find and this weekend proved worthy to become a post.

Source: etsy.com via Samantha on Pinterest

A dear friend of mine... Well, her spelling is subpar to put it nicely.

I corrected her grammar publicly via Facebook and her fiance decided to chime in on the fun.

I might have to gouge my eyes out.

Adaptable music

2011-07-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

Country Music obsession? Yes please.

About a year ago, my best friend and I realized we love Taylor Swift. Not really sure why, but it's just something about the cuteness of her songs and the fact that you want to dance around in your underwear, put on lipstick and grab the kitchen spoons as a glamorous microphone and just belt it out.

And most likely acting out the motions while picturing the very exact thing is happening to you.

I mean... that's just an assumption. It's not like you or I actually do those kinds of things, right?

Good, now that we have that clear.

Back to Taylor Swift. My best friend over the last few months has been obsessively playing T.Swift with the exception of the last month because she got some new stuff. Anyways, she was in the car with a friend and she brings up T.Swift and the person was like, "You have a crush don't you."

She pauses.

"I guess I do."

And laughs and continues to play the song.

We were discussing this the other day and giggling about it.

Occasionally, we do have our girly moments.

After that I had to tell her that for the last two months the only thing playing on my radio is country music and the random CDs that are in my car when there are commercials.

I wonder what the means?

Given, I love country music and grew up listening to it but this is out of control.

Country and Death Cab for Cutie.

I mean it could be worse. I could bring back some Underoath and the Agony Scene.

Oi Vey.

A S L U T: t u l s a

2011-06-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

Home sweet place I resided from the ages of 0 to 18 and some change.

*please note: this post drags on...

It's always strange going back.

I'm a Midwestern. Born and raised in Tulsa, Oklahoma-- in a city, nonetheless. I still appreciate sweet tea and lightning bugs and that slower draw that most men seem to develop by the time they are grown men. Women can hide it some but the men, nearly impossible.

I don't ever get to spend a lot of time in Oklahoma; nor do I ever see half the people I want to see. It's always a secret affair. I see a few close people and I'm grateful for that. I get to catch up and it's like I never left. Minus the fact that in the last 5 years the city has change dramatically. In 10 years time, I probably won't recognize the place.

A little recap to humor myself and compartmentalize memories labeled "The Oklahoma Box."

My dear friend Benjamin Woolslayer fetched me at the airport early morning. First things I told him "I need a hug and coffee." All were delivered and the 15 minutes he listened to me vent about the last 12 hours of my life from what I consider airport hell. I caused a ruckus screaming the F-word more times than I can count. Not my finest, but all considered it was well deserved. We drove to Wild Fork in Utica Square and had breakfast outside. We went back to where he stays and talked and chilled for hours in a room surrounded by books at art.

I used to go over to Ben's house every day in High school. I never knocked on the door, I always walked in. To some this might be considered rude, but it was the routine. I went to his room or the studio in the garage and would just listen to him play guitar for hours and every so often a random band he was playing music with at the time. But this time around, instead of music, we filled our time with spiritual discussions.

Later on he dropped me off at a coffee shop called Shades of Brown where I met the lovely Marisa Brown who is a Graphic Designer and dreams of being an art teacher. She's another high school friend of mine. I adore her. We click and always pick up where we left off. She's one of those gals you just want to keep in your life for forever, no matter the distance. I always randomly send her craigslist job offers in southern california or the weather update. I'm still attempting to convince her to move closer to me. Selfish? Maybe. But I think there are a lot of benefits for her... As in the beach... and me? haha

We chatted for hours and the time flew to what seemed like a short amount of time until later that night I received a text message. "We were there for four hours, I'm really embarrassed."

I laughed.

I met Marisa the first week of school. There was a fire drill. I still didn't know anyone at my school and we were standing around outside. She was in my Spanish class. We kept looking at each other awkwardly. Smiling, both not really knowing what to approach the matter. Then it happened. We introduced ourselves and the rest if history. Match made in heaven.

After, Lor picked me up and we went to Elote. A place that never existed when I lived in Tulsa but now seems to be a favorite of mine every time I visit. I loved spending the weekend with Lor. We ate lots of food, chatted lots, went garage saling, planned some crucial things in her life, went to a wedding and church, explored downtown Tulsa, took pictures, and partook in the "Bridesmaid" frenzy. We laughed, we cried. We cried and we laughed. We cried while laughing. We laughed while crying. Catch my drift.

Then again, we laughed and cried for 45 minutes in the scene from "Garden State" when Zach Braff drives away with the gas nozzle still in his car. We have strange humor.

Lor is my best friend of 17 years. Crazy? She is my soul sister.

I'm going to speed my thought process up.

I went to Oklahoma because my friends John and Rachel were getting married. Finally after 5 or 6 years. They got married in our home church and it was fabulous. They pulled off a great day and it was so great to celebrate with them. As well as see hundreds of people I grew up with. You Oklahomans have a special place in my heart and continue to make me feel loved. I can't thank you enough for always opening your homes to support my cause to visit. Or offering yours homes to me as a bribe to visit. My favorite was the lakehouse offer.

One of the eyeopeners of my trip was Sunday Morning at Foundations Church. My old Youth pastors' Justin and Casey started Foundations with the support of many generous supporters who believed in the cause of this church. God's doing some pretty awesome things there and the people there have such servant hearts. But as I'm standing there for praise and worship I search around the auditorium and see random people from my youth group. Not random, people I grew spiritually with. People I learned about God and perspective and what it means to fall and be redeemed. They've seen me at my best and worst. Some of us just visiting from the wedding and others who have made Foundations their Church. Some even in the Worship band.

A lot of this trip was reflection based. In high school on Wednesday before service and Saturday before Sunday service we would meet in prayer in a darkened room with praise and worship blasting. These are people I prayed with and experienced with. I was so greatful to be connected to them once again.

I've never been more proud of the people I grew up with.

I often times long to be in those dark corners crying my eyes out wondering why things are as they are or crouched on my knees awing at the existence of God and how marvelous he is. I often long to just sit and be in the presence of God and watch my friend's, Mimo, Chocolate, Will, Lindsey, John and various others hearts break for the world around them. All wanting to change the world and they are. We're grown up now. Ahh and some of us are married or engaged. Is that even allowed?

Should we still be toilet papering peoples houses and staying up figuring out our place in the world together.

We are dispersed. Some close and some far.

They've changed my world and I couldn't be more blessed.

Weekend randoms- Enjoy.

... and they fell into love

Melt my heart

2011-06-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

My dearest lady, I am now at a very  pleasant cottage window, looking onto a beautifully hilly country, with a  view of the sea. The morning is very fine. I did not know how lasted my  spirit may be, what pleasure I may have of living here if the  remembrance of you did not weight so upon me. Ask yourself my love if  you are not very cruel to have so entrammeled me, so destroyed my  freedom. For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a  form. I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair. 

I  almost wish we were butterflies, and live but three summer days, three  such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common  years could ever contain. 

When you confess this in a letter, must write  immediately, and do all you can to console me in it. Make it rich as a  draught of poppers to intoxicate me with it. Write the softest words,  and kiss them…that I may at least touch my lips to where yours have  been.

                               - John Keats to Fanny Brawne

Introvert Inspiration

2011-06-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

couch inspiration as well.

Stay up late, wake up early.

It is a torturous cycle. The night owl gets the best of me especially in times of extreme interrelatedness. Recently, I've been working a ton. I'm grateful honestly-- in fact, I need to work more.

Anyways, that's another tangent but after work today, I was just so exhausted from every aspect of life and I was just tired of thinking. I cleared all my dates and just sat. For the last 5 hours, brainless movie after brainless movie, hours upon hours swooning over rob ryan prints and lovely art by Camila do Rosario .

This number if from his 2nd year anniversary of in business. Limited Edition. I read it and said I must have this until I read the price. Thank Goodness I did because I had my credit card ready to go. Eek.

But it is on my want/never going to have list that I'm quite sad about.

Now that midnight is approaching and I have to be up for work in the next 8 hours, I am not energized and fully inspired to create.

To be responsible or not to be?

A splendid evening with lovely people and good tunes

2011-06-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

dress up attire required [unless you're Jessi Duke and I]

Glass of wine. check. Food. Check. Music. Let's go.

There he is. A proper man with his guitar close to his heart. In the dark room, he closes his eyes and it begins.

James Vincent McMorrow silences a room with his quiet Irish voice. He barely opens his mouth and the melodies that escape are powerful and high. Picture, Colin Hay, Bon Iver and Ray Lamontagne in one entity. No wonder, The Civil Wars asked him to be their opening act.

He ends each song with a simple thank you and closes with a final song microphone-less.

Listen to this lovely song and see what I mean.

Something this good calls for another glass of wine and a cheese plate.

Then dessert happens.

The Civil Wars, Joy Williams with her bubbly self and huge smile, always dressed in a perfect black dress and John Paul White with a black suit, deep voice and dry sense of humor.

You leave me speechless. I don't even know how to describe your emotional harmonies, beautiful lyrics and onstage chemistry. I never know whether to be happy or sad after every songs final note. Sad because I know you're one song closer to ending or sad because I feel like I just experienced a broken heart. Or maybe the combination leaves me with a broken heart. Either way, their music is so enticing you never want to leave.

Can I relive it again and again and again?

take the map and point to anywhere

2011-06-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm standing in a field, spinning around and around and then I point. Any direction, I don't care. Onward I go, open my eyes. Don't look back.

Take a map. Point to anywhere. I don't care.

personal

They're hitched!

2011-05-31T00:41:00.000-07:00

New Orleans style.

This weekend, I took a trip alone-- go figure. I spent hours in the terminal as always, the time because I volunteer my seat. I rented a car, accidentally almost took the wrong car and slept in an old colonial type house in a pale blue room with a bed. One of the bridesmaid's to the bride so graciously let me sleep in her house in the process of everyone moving out. It was perfect.

As I landed I was pleasantly surprised and had forgotten what the south felt like. Humid and hot. I did not pack accordingly.

I had 2 days and not a lot of expectation of new orleans but it was fun to say the least.

Mary and Ryan's was at the Benachi House. The Benachi house is around 200 years old, colonial style and great. The New Orlean's style wedding was beautiful and hot-- the only thing missing were paper fans. Within 30 seconds of all of the guests standing outside we immediately wanted to escape to the cool house. But we prevailed, sweating a few pounds in the process, but we prevailed. Besides, watching Mary and Ryan look so happy and so excited was completely worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. As well as wear my adorable yellow and creme striped anthropologie dress over and over again. I had to throw that plug in their somewhere.

The wedding was small with friends and family. It was very intimate and the reception was a lot of fun. Also in the hot, humid sun. But adorable. With various kinds of lemonades and fruit mixed drinks, lots of alcohol and lots of dehydration. If I'm not mistaken the DJ was playing old records and there was dancing.

It was lovely. Congrats Mary and Ryan.

After the wedding I went to a coffee shop and read for hours, got some soul food. I couldn't have been more excited and my waiter knew.

Catfish and mashed potatoes and gravy. mmm heart attack.

The only thing missing was sweet tea, but after my day I decided I needed lots of water, my body agreed.

Later on in the night, the wedding party went out for cocktails at Cafe Adelaide-- this posh little place located in a Loews New Orleans hotel.

The drink of choice was the Adelaide Swizzle

1 1/2 ounces Old New Orleans Rum
Juice of 1 lime wedge
3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
1/4 ounce Simple Syrup
Secret Ingredient (when you discover it)
Club Soda
Lime wedge, for garnish

The next morning, I went to a coffee shop, read and people watched, explored Magazine Street and the Garden district. Then I drove myself to the airport and was greeted with true "Southern Hospitality" from my airport shuttle driver.

He didn't know pretty girls came from Oklahoma.

My trip was complete. Almost.

Then I was off-- but not before getting some gumbo in the airport.

Complete.

more true than ever

2011-05-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

It is a sad truth.

I remember the first time I heard it. It was the Season finale of Grey's Anatomy. There she is, a lady in a wedding dress, Alone. She's crying. I'm crying. Half the world is crying. In the background, you hear it-- the song. "All I can do is keep breathing" over and over and over."

"Who sings this song?"

Google tells me "Ingrid Michaelson"

Limewire, back in the day when I pirated all my music.

I listened to the song over and over and over again.

I cried to the song over and over again.

It spoke to me, it drove emotion. It seems to always fit. Not in the way of the wedding dress scene in Grey's Anatomy, but for my daily life. My constant thought, my constant plea.

And once again, here I am dwelling with this song.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind. People are dying, I close my blinds.All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now. All that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing. All we can do is keep breathing now.

dollar fifty a day

2011-05-18T02:11:00.000-07:00

Beira, Mozambique. I ponder this photo. I sit and wonder and try to make up a story, but I'll never know. I try to think of hope. But in reality, this child had Malaria and the family couldn't afford treatment. My friend pulled some metacash out of pocket. She couldn't bare thinking this child could die when she had enough change to spare. But is that enough?

http://www.dollarfiftyaday.com/photo.php?id=401

Photo Project: A day in the life

2011-05-11T02:41:00.000-07:00

A Day in the Life

of being young and old

of adventure and watching the adventure pass by

I watch, that's what I do.

That's all I can do, you know.

You see through my transparent panes

and do the same.

you watch.

the growth

the brittle bones

they continue on

as do you

while I remain

watching.

Photo Project: Serene

2011-04-30T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date.

Well Folks, the photo project is back on the scene. There is even a weekly schedule and I have already tmanaged to miss the first deadline--hence the tagline.

I found this definition for the word serene:

calm: not agitated; without losing self-possession; "spoke in a calm voice"; "remained calm throughout the uproar"; "he remained serene in the midst of turbulence"; "a serene expression on her face"; "she became more tranquil"; "tranquil life in the country"

As I was walking the streets of Glasgow, Scotland I knew I needed to find this weeks photo. I didn't have to walk far. This photo is a statue called "the rise" by Andy Scott in Glasgow Harbour. Literally, right outside Debbie and Paul's, my lovely Scotland hosts, apartment.

This sculpture is gorgeous and I could sit and watch her for hours.

Once I saw her, I knew this was my photo.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"

2011-04-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

And no sign of South Africa either

(written the other day, even before daniel cook brought to my attention that I hadn't blogged. I am alive for those of you wondering.)

Dilemma One :

For over am month I have been receiving an email from BMI (airline) saying my flight had been rescheduled-- and I assume nothing too out of the ordinary was at stake, except for the fact that my actual flight got canceled-- IMAGINE that. So at the customer service desk, I find that I have been rerouted to Edinburgh rather than Glasgow.

Dilemma Two:

Then I realized I needed to reorganize and get my thinking cap on. I am only allotted 20 KGs as opposed to my last flight which was 23 as opposed to my last flight which was 26 is--God bless Kayde for taking 3 KGs worth of crap (which i expect to get back in the future)- I keep getting screwed with weights.

But with that said on this travel excursion, I started with 4 bags (small bag, pack, camera bag, purse) plus one princess wrapped care package.

As i'm talking to the BMI customer service agent before I officially checked in-- "I made a plan." That's when I first realized I wasn't in South Africa any longer.

Fact: Saying "Don't worry I'll make a plan" like them South African's do is not humorous to an Englishman. My first reaction was "Well, I thought I was clever."

Oh yeah, back to my 20 KG plan-- process of elimination. My travel pack weighed 16 KGs whilst my camera back weighs about the same. So with some very meticulous* repack at the repacking station and much praying I got everything down to 3 bag. No method or order of where anything is--it's like roulette. It is all luck and no strategy. I checked one bag and am carrying two. Slightly I will sneak on my second bag, which I’m deeming as a purse. Anywho back to my sulking about not being in South Africa any longer— I roamed terminal one looking in FCUK. Diving! As well as roaming for a sbux, mainly to find some familiarity. I could find no such thing, I settled on Preg coffee and some carrot juice as sustenance to make my estimated 20 minute trek to my gate only to find out these boots were not made for walking any longer. Then it occurred to me that I left my black flats with Jayde. Oh South Africa. But luckily with my meticulous repack, I had a pair of my elephant tusk sandals—painful to walk in but felt so good. I continue my trek as the bag lady and plop down my things at my gate and have my coffee. Finally I look down at my bags and see an unopened box of rusks. Logically, this shouldn’t be allowed in the way of rusks. I dip my rusk in my cup of coffee and think. For this moment, I am in London Heathrow, awaiting my Scotland adventure,

“I’m not in South Africa any longer.”

I’m not in my bright pink twin-sized bed with three year old Kayla waking me up at 6:30.

*Meticulous: forcing as much excess as possible with the use of every spare space.

lazy day and too many thoughts

2011-04-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

too many thoughts and ideas running through my brain to actually type an educated simple blog.

You'll will thank me later.

But for now,

As of late.

please, no judgment on my dirty feet.

the life of a solitary

2011-04-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Ella Duerme Sola

translation

She sleeps alone.

she wakes up

goes to the kitchen and turns on the kettle

french press coffee

the purple skillet placed on the stove

eggs

basil

tomato

and of course

apricot yoghurt

there is always apricot yoghurt

every so often, something different

but

it never tastes just right

she places it all in front of her

holds her coffee cup in both hands

takes a sip

the first drink

and sets the coffee cup on the table

or floor, wherever she decides to place herself

because she can

she picks up her fork to eat

now the day can begin

She plays solitaire

shops alone

travels alone

comfortable with the company of herself

"times are a- changing"

she smiles and

looks to the sun

"thank you"

Michael Children's Village: Joy

2011-04-06T03:30:00.000-07:00

"In me, in you. Orphans, kingdoms Wide eyes and paper crowns.Time will hold us, Time eroders .We're wrinkling children now.
-Brook Fraser, Orphan's, Kingdoms"

As you fill my heart with gladness

and pour out your unabounding love

you reveal

you restore

you're people

are overtaken by you.

and I am left in awe

of the wonder of you

majesty

healer

ruler

friend

above all,

My God

you are

[.love.]

Michael Children's Village. You are a place that is covered with joy. You are a place that is armed with healing. You are a place that is flowing with restoration. Your dwelling is laced with beauty and holds the heart of the father. I'm beyond blessed.

Two years ago MCV was just a framework. There were no children roaming the property and no house parents to take care of the children that now run around with white-toothed smiles and constant laughter. Two years ago, Jean and Teisa Nicole were asked to take apart of this vision and run wild with it. Two years ago, I and a few others had the opportunity to take part in the vision and physically see results. From painting the houses, from home visits, to actually stay on the property and praying that the God of Peace continues to roam freely there and that spirit of safety will be within the outline of the place and in the homes.

Now, the place has been up and running for almost 2 years and I had the opportunity to go back. It was so great to actually see how far MCV has come.

This place is joy even with all of the bad that surrounds these kids lives, internal and external.

One day, Kasia (a girl that stays at MCV) and I were sitting in the Visitor center doing who knows what and hear a knock at the door. Which is nothing out of the ordinary. Kasia answers the door and immediately dies laughing.

I rush to the door to find these two boys dancing away. They had taken palm brances for the trees and were tribal dancing, or their version of tribal dancing. Although Kasia and I encouraged them to take the shirts of to be more "ethnic." I laughed for quite a while and it this set the setting for the week.

Photo Project: Spring

2011-04-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys for failing at blogging lately, I've been out of commission with internet. My trusty blackberry was the only thing that kept me somewhat in the loop with the outside world. That's a whole another story. That will be shared in due time. But first thing is first.

So, these photo projects. I was totally for them at the beginning but then I realized it a task. One that I need to be involved with. The last few themes, as great as they are, I've been having difficulty actually executing them.

Without further adieu, I share with you.

Josslyn. 

This little one year old has personality. One that produces mounds of joy and laughter. Love her.

She is the definition of spring. At least my version of it. She is bubbly and she keeps you on your toes.

Today, I'm feeling rather giddly. Maybe it's the loads of caffeine I've already had. Or the REAL coffee I actually had, and not the instant ~~crap~~ "goodness." Or maybe caffeine is just my excuse.

Photo Project: Time

2011-03-20T13:39:00.001-07:00

a little rough, a lot raw.

2011-03-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Here is the skeleton covered in skin.  

I really recommend everyone reading Bethany Lomas' blog. It's shear honesty and humbling and her journey needs to be heard.

As I was reading her blog and giving my response, I just started typing. Word vomit, an action that both her and I seem to be discovering. And I then decided to most a majority of my response as a blog.

Living a wrecked life at twenty-three, what a shame right ?

I was having one of my moments the other day and I was talking to my friend nathan, who asked. "do you ever just wish you could live your life and move on from what we know. that we could just abandon or covenant with the Lord"

Embarrassingly I said, well yeah. i actually think about it a lot.

So here I am last night/early morning I'm at this massive trance party and there are thousands of people there. And don't get me wrong it was fun. But here I am one of 8000 and a majority of those people have know I idea what I know. And here they are living this false reality because they don't know the true goodness in it. It was a suffocated reality. this is their existence.

As easily as i could talk myself into wanting to not lived this wrecked life, I know I like how I see things. There is depth and beauty. There is truth.

It's because we've tasted and seen.

There is the answer, that wrecked feeling, that complacency is inescapable because we've tasted.

So here you are sitting, And you are still. it's funny. be still and know he is God. It's that phrase we typically use when we just need that one day to recooperate. It's comforting. Be still and know he is God is a mindset that must be lived out daily. Because if we are still, and we acknowledge that he is the all creator, he is the beginning and the end. And we are surely not at the end because he still fights for us. And the end would mean that he no longer is God but he has that title. He has the last say.
But when are at that point in daily--- then that stillness because movement in him because we let him be as He is. God.

And we don't have talk about it just yet, but we need to live that it has happened. Don't ignore.
Although I'm giving the anecdote, I know I will still end end up doing this.

I know because I've already done it.

We drown out everything so we don't have to process because when we process we relive it. and we feel those feelings again. And it sucks and is time consuming and wrings the heart and pulls out all the blood flow and leaves us to nothing until we are nothing and we have to lay in the middle of a floor, lights out and blaring praise and worship to drown out the fact that you are balling your eyes out in hopes that you just want God and you want to understand and not feel so wrecked.

thinking that times like this call me to the darkroom, praise and worship and wine. Where I wish this whole time I had be using film so I'd be able to process-- physically and not just emotionally and spiritually.

I have so much more that I want to respond to this but I really feel like I need to stop here.

Read this and dwell and sit in his stillness.

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
   LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
   for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
   for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
   and the swallow a nest for herself,
   where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
   LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
   they are ever praising you.[c]

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
   they make it a place of springs;
   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
   till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
   listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
   look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts
   than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
   than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
   the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
   from those whose walk is blameless.

12 LORD Almighty,
   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

psalm 84

Culturally confused—directionally confused. It all runs together.

2011-03-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

Finding home.

I’ve seen and done this all before.

I take a challenge and see where it leads me.

This post is mainly inspired by Dorynda Venable, a lovely lady who I’ve known since I was a wee tween… I say wee but let’s be honest. I was at fatty. Anyway that’s beside the point. As well as inspirational because of Ashley Wells most recent Midwest post. In a way, her and I have flip-flopped in life. I did the whole “Grapes of Wrath” move and she did opposite.

The point is I’m always at this point in defining home.

The first move that I ever remember making was from Tulsa, OK to Costa Mesa, California. Let’s not even talk about all the differences that didn’t occur to me until about a year later.

But minus the familiarity—there was different lingo and terminology. I’ve now adapted to saying “Like” after, well let’s go with every single syllable. But surprisingly rarely ever use the word “like” when typing. Another thing that Californian’s do is say “Soda.” Us Midwesterners use the word “Pop”

Which together makes Sodapop but there often times controversy. With that being said, I find myself having to adapt over little things. The problem arises when I become culturally confused.

I say “Pop” in California and “Soda” in Oklahoma. And find judgment upon me wherever I go. Naturally, it is all petty but it still strikes a cord.

The Challenge.

I mentioned challenge earlier; since I can remember I have this strange fascination with going to new place, outside of my comfort level, typically where I don’t really know anyone and make a home with the new.

Moving to California, I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t even like Vanguard University when I visited. I just knew God clearly told me to go. Challenge accepted.

I had no car. No familiarity. I got pot-lucked in a shoebox dorm with 2 other best friends and prayed for the best. I was blessed with lifelong friendships.

Fast-forward:

Five years after Vanguard. One and a half years after my first African “challenge.” I come back for 3 months, alone, with the plan of having a lack of plan. Always through these “challenges” I find God always has an ulterior motive that I look back and think “ahhhh that’s why I’m really here.”

I’m still waiting for the AHA moment.

A constant state of confusion

In my last 2 months I have found myself in South Africa, Mozambique and Zimbabwe.

South African’s or Afrikaans people use phrases like

“Just now” – which does not really mean just now to an American.

“Nie”—no—a phrase that I hear quite often from an almost 3 year old girl.

“Lekker” – nice, good great, tasty, et cetera.

“hey”- Using “hey” after every phrase or question.

My first few weeks, I find myself getting acclimated to the Afrikaans way. Then I go to Mozambique and we switch to Portuguese and random shona, etc…

“Nao” – No

“Obrigada”- Thank you

“muito bom”

“Ny a la”- the spelling is off and I believe it’s shona. “I don’t want to”

There was this little boy and I was attempting to tell him “No” and I yelled “Nie” instead of “Nao.” That was the first instance of cultural confusion.

Crossing the border from Mozambique to Zimbabwe. I kept saying “Obrigada.” Zimbabwe uses the US dollar and a good number speak English, NOT Portuguese.

Then staying in Zimbabwe, I stayed with this awesome family, Paul and Melinda Grobler who lived in South Africa for a while. With that being said, in Zimbabwe there was a switch back to Afrikaans lingo.

By this point in time, I was beside myself.

"That's quite Lekker, hey?" -- first instinct

spoken- "I like that a lot."

When will this madness end?

Aside from mis-responding and now responding to things in my head and then re-translating them into my typical American lingo, I like where I am.

And love the people I've encountered.

Especially this Laubscher family that keeps finding me on their doorstep for extended periods of time.

Photo Project: Let there be light.

2011-03-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

lack of motivation.

I've been finding it difficult to actually pick up my camera for motivation and inspiration. I think about it and that's as far as it goes.

But I took these photos a couple weeks ago and they are pretty inspiring if you meditate on them.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

These ladies are from Marondera, Zimbabwe and they are a light in the Community.

I know these are everywhere but it is what it is.

Bethany and Ashley have beautiful installments to the photo project. sharp photos and good theme and overall gorgeous prints.

seven years

2011-03-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been seven years.

If I close my eyes it all seems like yesterday.

Scavenger hunt. You had balls man. The things you do.

You flipping made it to state in diving without even trying-- just because you saw a diving board.

Then there was state, we were all watching a scary movie. The grudge to be exact. I need to grab something from my hotel room and you walked me, just in case I was too scared. Before I knew it you had run far passed me like a little baby and left me alone. True friendship right there.

Let's not even talk about how you forced me driving you home everyday after school and I constantly complained. In reality, I just complained because it was fun.

Or how about the time when you hopped into my convertible and decided that we should get food instead of swim class. I said, "heck no." Then you proceeded to try to talk me into it and said nothing would happen. Right around that time a car was following us only to realize it was our principal. And we could honestly say, "We weren't skipping." thanks to me.

You always had a smile on your face no matter how mad anyone could be at you.

But what I wish you could have seen.

Your team, your friends wearing pink in honor of you-- not just any shade of pink, hot pink. We all stood in unity with memories of you on our backs.

No one can pull off pink like you.

You are missed, my friend.

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph of his foes - Psalms 112: 7-8”.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster

2011-03-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

I'm gangster, you're gangster...

Black Acura, tinted windows and a sound system.

Cruising down Newport blvd., stoplight, black sunglasses, roll down the windows and stare down the Escalade because it's on. Intimidation is key. Word.

Windows always rolled down. The police will pull us over if they realize how tinted the windows really are and realize how gangster we really are. [Mainly the second reason.] The kind of sound system where if you're sitting in the backseat and the reverb of the speakers tickle your back and when the car is off, you can no longer feel the back of your spine. This would be the effect of my friend Jason's car.

Let's be honest, if we're getting into labels, I'm not typically the kind of girl that chooses to listen to rap music. But everytime I'm in his car, I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs, headbanging. Rapping at every attempt to keep up with the lyrics. At least Subpar rapping.

But everytime, I find myself saying, "I wish I were a gangster."

And everytime, the various people in the car make fun of me because I'm as white as they come and I emphasize there "E-R" in gangster. I like enunciating all my syllables. So, "Gangsta" is not in question.

If only...

This car does it to you, I mean bethany lomas turned gangster. Ashley Wells (girl in the top left photo) sweet five foot, english major turned gangster. Don't even get me started with Becca.

You can't even handle it.

Actually my old Honda turned people gangster. Specifically Bethany and I when we devoted an entire San Diego trip to learn Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love.

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

[.a recent conversation with jessi duke.]

"Sam: I'm gangster. you're gangster, let's be friends. i means gangsters? Do gangsters use the word friends? let's be bros? or is it hos ?hmmmm

Jessi: I'll be yo ho FO SHO!!! "

Although my terminology isn't up to par, I do have a pretty sweet "b-l-o-o-d" sign.

I do have some pretty gangster friends though..

But Sara Saylors is the most gangster of all.

///edit///
This little gem photo was captured the other night at Madame Zingara.
Thanks to whoever took the photo and thanks Lucia for the sweet edit.

Need I say more?

I am here.

2011-03-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

Nowhere else but here.

Although this picture doesn't look like much, it actually holds a lot of significance. Driving to Harare, Zimbabwe the other day we passed this cemetery and I thought, "I would really like a photo of this." Assuming I would get it on my way back from Harare, I still managed to miss the shot.

The next morning Terri and I packed up our stuff and left Marondera at an early 5am with the morning fog and everything. It was beautiful. I also was going to finally capture this cemetery. An image I was most excited about especially with the morning fog. As we drive, I have my camera on and I'm holding it in anticipation. I keep thinking we are almost there but my excitement left my timing about where the cemetery was a little foggy, no pun intended.

After holding my camera in position for a while, I grew lazy. I set my camera down and not even two minutes later I hear, "And there's the cemetery." I grabbed my camera as quickly as I could but nothing was set up. I missed my chance. I had this beautiful vision in mind of what I would have been shooting and I missed it. I spend all the time waiting and gave up right before the moment happened.

"Are you kidding me?" I yell in the car. Then Terri kind of smirks compares this situation to life. We spend all this time waiting on God and being prepared for something to happen. Then the minute we stop waiting in the place we need to be. The something happens and we miss what we had spent all the time waiting and preparing for.

Story of my life. Life lesson to be learned through a simple metaphor of a photo.

And we drive some more.

road after road, police stop after police stop, and cloud after cloud. Clouds, I focus mainly on the clouds.Watching them change after hours, finding shapes and making animals. Wishing I was in laying in the field I was driving passed just to study the clouds more and just bask in beauty. Zimbabwe skies are some of the bluest I've seen to date.

As all of this is happening, I think of why I'm here whilst trying not to have an existential crisis. Playing in movie form everything I've been thinking. I try to put into logic what I'm doing in Africa of all places. About a month ago, I was talking to someone and when we were parting ways when his last words to me were, "good luck finding yourself." And as I have previously stated before in writing.

"I'm not finding myself, I know where I am," I say.

I know where my feet are grounded. I know who I am. I've never needed to find myself. Maybe a reminder of whose I am. I'm in a constant pursuit of being who I'm called to be. But I know where my foundation comes from and who my hope is in.

I'm in pursuit of God and seeing Him through others people's eyes. So I can better know who He is. I'm in pursuit of discovery.

As thinking about this conversation and watching the trees pass by and thinking about where I've been the last month. Clearly, my though is.

I just want to see.

C.S Lewis- you wrote great words.
"...Nothing that you have not given away will really be yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in! "

Photo Project: "And it was all Yellow"

2011-03-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

Extra on the Yellow

It's funny how the mind works. Something easy for one person isn't easy for another. When I hear someone ramble about science and math--I go blank. ha ha

As I was looking at my blogroll, I noticed Ashley Wells wrote a post, then read it. Her post reminded me that I haven't posted this weeks theme pictures:

Y e l l o w  

I also mention Ashley Wells and my beginning sentence because when this week's theme was revealed, I was instantly excited. This will be great I thought. I then read Ash's blog and her experience for the assignment was difficult.

Things I like that are yellow:

my yellow j.crew elephant shorts
sun
mustard yellow, although I hate mustard.
fields of sunflowers
this awesome headband that lor bought me with splashes of yellow
my yellow pants

"Years in the Making" Zimbabwe moss, takes hundreds of years to look like this.
"Catching the Zimbabwe sun"

"Mozambican Princess" OKay not a true princess, but she's so darn adorable.

"Here Comes the Sun"
Mozambican Sunrise- Gorgeous. I just love* waking up at 5 in the morning.

*please note my sarcasm.

Vagabond Existence

2011-02-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Gypsy girl, Vagabond, homeless-- call it what you will just as long as the God of peace is with me.

In lieu of some strange events happening and still feeling numb. And so desperately trying to hear God and not feel like I'm wandering in the desert; I decided I had to find some inspiration.

I used to write poetry a lot and write a lot more-- maybe it was from my "emo" days. Actually that's not entirely true, I've written some in the last couple years, just not recently. When it comes to writing for myself it's a daunting task. I've noticed when I'm creating art for something else, I can will myself to do it. So, I dated back to a backup of my old computer that I just discovered on the computer I use now. Which also explains why my computer has no space, it's storing 2 computers worth of information. Go figure.

As I'm reading this book, which I've been trying to finish for the last two years. I decided that I need to restart it. Dallas Willard, I'd really love to finish your book The Spirit of the Disciplines. I'm sure my brain would be bigger and I'm sure I would find some interesting perspectives if I could just manage to get to the end.

But I did manage to find this quote that I have been stuck on for the last week.

"We prefer no social unrest or revolution - as long as our style of life is preserved." 

Let that sink in.

It's so true isn't it? Go ahead, admit it-- admitting it is okay. But with fair warning, once you admit this as true, it is not okay to continue to live blindly in this thought.

I was working on a painting for a friend a couple years ago (for someone else, common theme). I'm not this great painter or anything but this painting had a story and it was personal. I wrote this to go with the painting.

Sitting back on it, it was relevant to them-- but I also think that some of me was poured into the words and I'm finding this to be ever present for me.

Vagabond existence

What train is taking me home?

For today at least

North or south

As far as the east meets west

As long as the coordinates reach to locations

To drive me to better foresight

What wars will I stumble on

Inside of me.

What wars will I watch

In this world

Where

Freedom

Is suppressed

by chains.

Tobacco Farm

Rusape, Zimbabwe

Photography Project: Human Touch

2011-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

Some friends of mine approached me the other day about starting a photography project to keep closer to each other, but as well to sharpen our practice by creating themes each week or almost every week. But with all of us all over the place, it will be quite a task and will be all over the place.

For me, I have steady internet for the first time in 2 weeks. So, I'm a little late on posting.

To all those wondering, I'm in Rasape, Zimbabwe right now. I have more posts coming up but need to catch up on some other emails and other monotonous tasks. I wanted to give at least one installment photo plus a glimpse of what I've been up to for the last few weeks. This is my interpretation of human touch.
The woman to the right is Terri Cash, founder of hands of grace- Africa. This lady has no fear and if she has fear, you certainly can't tell. She takes things as they happen and if things aren't going as planned-- she makes another plan. Hands of Grace-Africa is an awesome program about creating through craft while becoming sustainable and empowered people with the foundation of being centered around Christ. Read her story.

the simplicity in being where you are

2011-02-08T01:12:00.000-08:00

and knowing that is precisely where you are supposed to be. 

I have this thing with God. I'm not sure if it's a one-sided deal. But I would like to say Him and I are on the same page with this one. 

Do you ever get that calming sense when you know at that given moment and time, you are where you're called to be. It could even be as simple as taking a walk with a friend and you just know this conversation is supposed to happen. Or big, like the two missionaries that run the house I'm staying at. For quite sometime they were trying to get back to South Africa... one thing lead to another and they couldn't get back. But when it came time to get their flights, they were on standby and they both were on different lists. The wife was toward the beginning and the husband was far down the list. The lady told the couple that it would take a miracle for him to be on the same flight as her. Down to the T-- they both were on the same flight, sitting next to each other in business class. I would say there is no doubt there had to have been a sense of "Okay, I'm supposed to be here."

For me, I often find it in the simplistic of acts but the simplicity makes my heart so full and this exceeding joy overcomes.

A couple of years ago, I was sitting in Zimbabwe in pitch black. Quite eerie looking to your left and right and not being able to see a thing. But then I looked up. Stars, more than I could imagine counting. Even if I tried I would be into numbers that I have no idea what they are. I had never seen such a sight and just remember feeling chills from my head all the way to my toes. I was having one of those moments with God where he had been wanting me for a while. I was out there for a couple of hours. Then I saw a shooting star and knew I was supposed to be in that place and no where else.

Shooting stars have always been my vice of where I'm supposed to be. And it may be more that when I see them, it typically means my attention is on just one thing and not a million other things as usual. I can focus on that one thing and so it starts from there. Revelation.

On my drive to Nelspruit, I was sitting, watching the lines on the road, fighting my hair from looking like a lion. The wind won. But as I'm looking, I see something and look all around and I see beauty. I had every desire to just jump out of the car and dance and let the sun hit my face, dance in the rain and just be moved by God. I always have the desires when I can't execute them.

Oh well.

But as I'm having this vision and my heart getting so excited and my blood is pumping. Then I see it.

a rainbow. a gorgeous rainbow and I couldn't help my smile and get excited. This is where I am.

       >>  Embrace it.  <<

As I'm having all of these thoughts, this music seems to drive me to feel most passionate about this feeling and some others. enjoy.

* on a wholly separate note, I'm beginning to wonder if all this waiting has been so I would come to the point and finish a simple email. We'll see how it all pans out.

me + communication degree = bad communication

2011-02-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, she was a psychology major. She made the comment "Most psychology majors get into psychology to subconsciously fix themselves."

It is not to say that this is true for all... but I started doing process of elimination of the psychology majors I knew... and realized, a good deal of them I would never trust to give me any kind of advice or even trust them to listen to me.

But that generalization about psychology majors seems to be true for Communication majors. Communication majors seem to have an awfully difficult time at communication. We understand how communication works and we can read people based on our knowledge. After all that shouldn't I be a master at communicating?

There is a sender and a receiver, there is a channel between the two and everything in the middle is considered noise. Very much like a puzzle and considerably similar to the game "telephone."

And to be honest, that's only the beginning-- then there is the psychology and theories and assumptions... it never ends.

The problem is, I'm still a separate entity outside of my brains knowledge on the subject matter.

I'm great at communicating for other people. But any communication having to do with me, is rather a grueling task.

Ask anyone who is close friends with me. It's a treat, most don't know that they have to learn a separate language when dealing with me. But then you have two of my best friends, Jess and Lor and they know exactly what I'm thinking without me having to say anything.

I'm not very good at communicating feelings... or plans. For plans, I sometimes feel like they should just happen. But, I forget-- the world doesn't always work like that.

I was having a conversation last night and we were discussing spontaneity and what that really means for us. You have some of the best memories from those moments but also, since nothing was planned-- the disappointment factor isn't really in the agenda. In spontaneous outbursts-- there are no expectations no hidden attachments. It is what it is, and if it fails at least you tried.

Que sera, sera. 

While, on the other hand when you expect a plan to happen at a given time and date and it doesn't happen according to plan... it becomes wearing.

waiting. waiting. waiting. WAITING.

"He who keeps a royal command experiences no trouble, for a wise heart knows the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, though a man's trouble is heavy upon him. If no one knows what will happen, who can tell him when it will happen? "

-Ecclesiastes 8:5-6

I guess you could call it a defense mechanism but also you could call it a recipe for adventure.

Let's shoot for adventure.

Sitting under a tree and a couple of leaves start falling. Leaves typically land close. It's relaxing to know where you're grounding is. But, imagine sitting under a tree and you see a helicopter (or whirlybird) fall from the tree. Honestly, you have no idea where it is going to land, depending on the wind and depending how it falls will give you an idea of the journey. It's a more freeing concept.

love these girls.

little garden fairies

2011-01-28T15:10:00.000-08:00

The last week I've had the chance to spend my days with the Laubscher fairies, Kayla and Josslyn.

Spending the week with them I've now realized, I should probably learn Afrikaans. The oldest daughter, she is almost three mind you. She yells at me in Afrikaans and I usually have no idea what I did. Although, if the phrase entails the word, "Nie" which means "No" in Afrikaans, it's safe to assume I've done something that is not to her liking. I'm having a blast though and it's nice to slow down for a minute and find perspective.

I call the girls fairies mainly because Kayla is obsessed with Tinker Bell and the Tinker bell movies and knows the characters like they're her long lost friends. It's rather fun to watch because it brings me back to the idea of imagination. The thought of creating something out nothing, really. I had a great imagination growing up even up until I was in middle school. When I was 6 or 7, I would only be referred to as Jasmine or Ariel and I'm fairly certain that I brought dolls to play with at recess in 6th grade.
I M A G I N A T I O N now is honestly a foreign concept that I wish never disappeared. I imagine things all the time but it's always about real life stuff. I imagine the reality of what could be or what is.. But nothing out of thin air. I don't pick up a leaf and come up with a million metamorphoses where they all work in one setting. A leaf is a leaf and creatively, maybe a decoration or something I would draw in a painting.

Today was a special day. Lucia, Kayla, Josslyn and I all went and saw the movie tangled. A super cute movie but it was special because Kayla wore a pretty long dress and Lucia made her a glitter crown. Josslyn had on her dress. Kayla made me wear one of my dresses. It was great. These small props lead to a day full of imagination. Kayla was playing in the backyard and she was the role of a garden fairy. She wasn't Kayla, the almost three year old daughter of Edgar and Lucia. She was something different. She was picking flowers and spreading them all over the lawn and prancing along. It was really very intriguing. I sat in the grass with Milla, the dog, and started thinking about the role she was playing. I could see that she was in a bigger place than just the backyard. I could see the dimensions to this place she was imagining.

I really admire people with imagination. It takes a special person to actually look outside the box. We need more people like that in the world.

Here are a few pictures

worst/best luck on airplanes

2011-01-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and Courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go-." 

Joshua 1:9

Aside from the fact, that I rarely ever get a good seat on airplanes, there is always a perspective.

Perspective one: 

The lady sitting next to me-- I believe of Arabic culture. Well, she stood up and walked around, she then grabbed ear plugs and a sleep mask. She instantly starts snoring. I'm talking about all of these things happened in about a 2 minute, maybe less, time frame. Not even 5 minutes later, someone walks by her, she looks to see who it is. Then she puts her mask back on and starts snoring, again.

How do you fall asleep/wake up that quickly?

Perspective two:

The lady sitting next to me is Iranian/Persian. And not Arabic-- an assumption I had made earlier during the flight. I'm really quite glad I didn't say anything because I probably would have deeply offended her. She's from Iran but has been living in the US for 25 years. Her daughter got married and had a kid and she just couldn't leave. She visits Iran for 1-2 months a time to visit her brothers and sisters-- she hates it.

She asked me where I was going, I told her "South Africa." She instantly said/asked, "For human rights?"

"Essentially," I said.

"Help Persians," she said.

Tears in her eyes she explains to me of the crazy president, the violence and the guillotine of young people. One person is hanged every 8 hours. She then tells me that Iran is a men's country and women have no voice. My initial thought, I'm a girl traveling alone. What the heck could I even do?

dedicated to the muller mountain men :)
Frankfurt, Germany

On a plane, I shall go

2011-01-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

Oh goodness gracious.

What the heck am I doing?

I'm leaving on a jet plane.

or a Boeing 747.