When the present speaks into the future

Today is the future.

I've had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, it never left.
I had the feeling like I had been here before... but that's impossible time is moving forward. Unless there is something that I do not know about, which could be likely seeing as how I cheated my way through science.
As I sat in my car, thinking about the last 24 hours and the turns that have happened. I remember I have been here before. A year ago today, I was having the same exhausting day, the same type of day where all I wanted to do was scream because maybe then something would come about that I predicted. The sound that would leave my body could quite possibly be the only thing that I would have control of.

One year today, I wrote this.

"I mention this story because we sometimes forget what we are designed for and why. We are allowed to feel emotions. But we are also allowed to let things go.

I want to Exist.

But I want more than just existing.

Stag.nant.

soul

it's time"


 

One year ago today, I had the same thought and voiced it without even knowing I said the same thing 365 days ago. "When it rains, it pours."

I have been here before.

And I will be here again, my questions stands:

Am I Wide awake?
or
Am I still sleeping?

To be quite frank,

I am not a fan of the new blogspot. I can't make things look the way I want.

I think I need a bloghelp tutorial?

Any takers?

When given the option to escape

Seize the day.

I mentioned in my last post that I took a spontaneous trip to Portland. 

All these options appeared out of thin air for the weekend. 

Here is the recap of possibilities: 

HikingKayaking... Actually sailing, but I did watch my Uncle Kayak. Wine.. Mike's Hard... that has to count for something. St Helens to visit Rachel and Dustin
Uncle Wilton and Aunt Nancy Combined forces with Dustin and Rachel The lovely Marks family Minus Sterling and EmPowell's bookstore  Oh this place has my heart 
Andy Christensen-- so sad. Heath Black  Lunch at East Burn. I hadn't seen this character in years. 

and a possibility of driving to Washington to meet Jon Chittim's baby and family.

Surprising additions:

Boating with the Marks family

Voodoo Donuts is always a must

Distant Relative from Holland who just so happened to drive back to California with me 

Breakfast with Stacie North at the Waffle Window 

Night 1. Driving through the night, I took a short hiatus at a flying j. As I woke up, this is what I woke up to. How can a smile not form across your face when you are driving through this. It was all so serene and breathtaking-- not in the metaphorical.

This trip was exactly what I needed, it was due time that I get away from things for a bit. My mind is all over the place. My heart is no where near home.  My feet are waiting to go. But glue is a funny thing. 

Day 1. Getting to Portland. I stop at rest stop. See a homeless. He was genuinely in rough shape. I handed him a FiberOne bar and four quarters. As a drove away, all I wanted to do was sit and talk to him. My heart actually broke as I did drive away. To be real honest that was more important than the four quarters. Still, I drove away. I still think about it. 

75 miles until Portland. I officially can no longer drive. I've been 

awake for over 24 hours, and slept 4 hours the previous night. Took a detour to Albany to visit my other family. I chatted with Doug a bit. He cooked me one of his world famous omelets and I showered.  He then told me to take a nap except he was so excited I was there that he wouldn't let me sleep. I went to Des' room, wide awake I layed there and texted. Until one moment, I was no longer wide awake and I was being gently woken up. I was out. 

That night Des and I went to a great little place, a bike ride away. We talked for hours and were food for mosquitoes (at least sixty mosquitoes just on our backs combined) 

Day 2. Adventure-- ready go. 

Des and I woke up and spent the morning with Thor and Charlie, as well as Jessica Porter-- one of the porch house beauties. Des made a great breakfast with eggs and vegetables and herbs from the  garden. Then an exciting thing happened. Heath Black. 

That's right my friends, in the flesh, Heath Black from Bartlesville, Ok. I mean that's how I remember him-- currently he is all over the place and doing crazy things like starting a company tied to facebook and writing a poetry book. He went on a book tour and sold every last copy. I had the chance to meet him at East Burn for Lunch and catch up and swing on the patio swings.

 

Then off to the sailing adventure with the family in St. Helen's. My Oregon family is great. I like them a lot. Sailing was beautiful. After sailing-- ate a feast and drank mike's hard lemonade and beer. On that trip some of the funniest quotes were created. 

"Was that my sewing machine?" Uncle Wilton said. We took a quick turn and a loud bang game from inside the boat. The machine is still survived, the case is not.  Waking up on a sailboat was amazing and I would be okay living on a boat. Maybe I will someday. 

 

Day 3. Bring me to the lake. 

 knee boarding, attempted wake boarding, wake surfing, rock climbing, swimming and the Marks. What a perfect combination. Oh, plus fried chicken. The weather on my trip was beautiful and I couldn't be happier.

I will own a boat when I have a family.  I know this seems like a big investment but I would rather spend the money on something the family could do together outside rather than all the other things that seclude. Given this is far down the road but at least I know now. 

Day 4. The Portland Musts. 

Visited the cute children at the treehouse nursery and now wish I worked there,  Powell's books and Voodoo donuts bought some inappropriate donuts. Said my goodbyes, picked up my distant distant Holland relative Velaska and off we went all the way back to California. 

Passing through the California borders, the hills and the valley's caught my eye. I kept think of the verses about being a light on the hill and what that truly looks like. The light looks different to everyone but still still has one purpose that constantly remains.  Guidance. 

SALT AND LIGHT. You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

 Matthew 5:13-15

Stupid you say

Impulsive really.

Thursday night around 8:30 pm I was watching Eclipse with some lovely ladies from my life group. And I started receiving phone calls with the notion as to what they pertained to.  I get the day off from work. I decided to drive to Portland.

I gave it a 20 minute run through.

the decided to take the plunge.


As I sit in a Mcdonalds charging my dead phone. I sit and think. Moments like this won't always happen.

I get to spend the weekend with great friends and family. Even a friend I have no seen in years. We just so happen to be in portland the exact same weekend.

I cannot wait to take a power nap. I tried to at a flying j parking lot this morning right before sunrise. But the fear of someone killing me kept crossing my mind.


I'm on a much needed adventure.

and a much needed refill of Jesus.

Bring on the nature, bring on the solitude-- bring on relationship.

Updates soon.


List of possibilities this weekend.

Hiking
Kayaking
Wine
St Helens to visit Rachel and Dustin
Uncle Wilton and Aunt Nancy
The lovely Marks family
Powell's bookstore
Andy Christensen
Heath Black
and a possibility of driving to Washington to meet Jon Chittim's baby and family.

I can hardly contain this excitement.

Fingers crossed my phone is charged enough.


all my love.


I shall see you all upon my return.

DON'T Calculate without God

 See what happens. [Try it.] 
Disclaimer: This approach is not recommended. Expected symptoms may occur. If you find yourself feeling under the weather, stagnant or feel like your world is crashing down on you. Please stop immediately and being proper treatment.

Probably the wisest words I've heard today, good ol Oswald Chambers. 

 But that is what we do every day, we calculate without Him. Even the Christians who follow through with the daily routine of the religion of Christ. 

To be honest, I'm having trouble keeping up with the vision and the reality of my next step... or even a future step. After some panic attacks and such later I came to the conclusion-- not seeing vision scares me.  Reality, I feel that I can handle it, but then it swoops under my feet. Although I feel like have a grasp, it hits me that there is more to what my reality entails. It is laced with vision. So when the two don't connect,  when they are not synced with each other, I find I'm losing ground. 

(feel free to challenge this if you see fit, I'm all over the place these days)

In my lifegroup, we have to constantly remind each other what our daily is supposed to look like. It's not supposed to look like normal or even abnormal. It is where God places us; but it is where God also calculates us. 

Without His vision, we have lost our reality.

I present to you a passage. This passage has been taken for granted. I for one have heard this my entire life and never once found comfort in it.  But today the words hang differently. Soak each stanza in and feel what it does. 

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 

Pause. 

 ² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
       he leads me beside quiet waters, 

Pause. 

 ³ he restores my soul.
       He guides me in paths of righteousness
       for his name's sake. 

Pause.

 ⁴ Even though I walk
       through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]

Pause. 

       I will fear no evil,
       for you are with me;

Pause. 

       your rod and your staff,
       they comfort me. 

Pause. 

 ⁵ You prepare a table before me
       in the presence of my enemies.
       You anoint my head with oil;
       my cup overflows. 

Pause. 

 ⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
       all the days of my life,

Pause.
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever.

Pause. 

Find peace, find vision. Let your reality be calculated through the Father. Even on the small dailies, tasks that are not included in the religion of Christ but instead, with a relationship with Christ. 

Taken at a funeral in Mozambique 2009. I was so enthralled with my surroundings that I had to take snap a couple of photographs in the field. Here is one.

Playing Outside--it's all I wanna do

Let's go.Sneak Peak-- Lovely Jessica Duke