Vagabond Existence

Gypsy girl, Vagabond, homeless-- call it what you will just as long as the God of peace is with me. 

In lieu of some strange events happening and still feeling numb. And so desperately trying to hear God and not feel like I'm wandering in the desert; I decided I had to find some inspiration.  

I used to write poetry a lot and write a lot more-- maybe it was from my "emo" days. Actually that's not entirely true, I've written some in the last couple years, just not recently. When it comes to writing for myself it's a daunting task. I've noticed when I'm creating art for something else, I can will myself to do it. So, I dated back to a backup of my old computer that I just discovered on the computer I use now. Which also explains why my computer has no space, it's storing 2 computers worth of information. Go figure.

As I'm reading this book, which I've been trying to finish for the last two years. I decided that I need to restart it. Dallas Willard, I'd really love to finish your book The Spirit of the Disciplines. I'm sure my brain would be bigger and I'm sure I would find some interesting perspectives if I could just manage to get to the end. 

But I did manage to find this quote that I have been stuck on for the last week.

"We prefer no social unrest or revolution - as long as our style of life is preserved." 

Let that sink in. 

It's so true isn't it?  Go ahead, admit it-- admitting it is okay. But with fair warning, once you admit this as true, it is not okay to continue to live blindly in this thought.

I was working on a painting for a friend a couple years ago (for someone else, common theme). I'm not this great painter or anything but this painting had a story and it was personal. I wrote this to go with the painting. 

Sitting back on it, it was relevant to them-- but I also think that some of me was poured into the words and I'm finding this to be ever present for me. 

Vagabond existence

What train is taking me home?

For today at least

North or south

As far as the east meets west

As long as the coordinates reach to locations

To drive me to better foresight 

What wars will I stumble on

Inside of me.

What wars will I watch

In this world

Where

Freedom

Is suppressed 

by chains.

 

Tobacco Farm

Rusape, Zimbabwe

Photography Project: Human Touch

Some friends of mine approached me the other day about starting a photography project to keep closer to each other, but as well to sharpen our practice by creating themes each week or almost every week. But with all of us all over the place, it will be quite a task and will be all over the place.

For me, I have steady internet for the first time in 2 weeks. So, I'm a little late on posting. 

To all those wondering, I'm in Rasape, Zimbabwe right now. I have more posts coming up but need to catch up on some other emails and other monotonous tasks. I wanted to give at least one installment photo plus a glimpse of what I've been up to for the last few weeks.  This is my interpretation of human touch.
The woman to the right is Terri Cash, founder of hands of grace- Africa. This lady has no fear and if she has fear, you certainly can't tell. She takes things as they happen and if things aren't going as planned-- she makes another plan. Hands of Grace-Africa is an awesome program about creating through craft while becoming sustainable and empowered people with the foundation of being centered around Christ. Read her story.

the simplicity in being where you are

and knowing that is precisely where you are supposed to be.

I have this thing with God. I'm not sure if it's a one-sided deal. But I would like to say Him and I are on the same page with this one.

Do you ever get that calming sense when you know at that given moment and time, you are where you're called to be.  It could even be as simple as taking a walk with a friend and you just know this conversation is supposed to happen. Or big, like the two missionaries that run the house I'm staying at. For quite sometime they were trying to get back to South Africa... one thing lead to another and they couldn't get back. But when it came time to get their flights, they were on standby and they both were on different lists. The wife was toward the beginning and the husband was far down the list. The lady told the couple that it would take a miracle for him to be on the same flight as her.  Down to the T-- they both were on the same flight, sitting next to each other in business class. I would say there is no doubt there had to have been a sense of "Okay, I'm supposed to be here."

For me, I often find it in the simplistic of acts but the simplicity makes my heart so full and this exceeding joy overcomes.

A couple of years ago, I was sitting in Zimbabwe in pitch black. Quite eerie looking to your left and right and not being able to see a thing. But then I looked up. Stars, more than I could imagine counting. Even if I tried I would be into numbers that I have no idea what they are. I had never seen such a sight and just remember feeling chills from my head all the way to my toes. I was having one of those moments with God where he had been wanting me for a while. I was out there for a couple of hours. Then I saw a shooting star and knew I was supposed to be in that place and no where else.

Shooting stars have always been my vice of where I'm supposed to be. And it may be more that when I see them, it typically  means my attention is on just one thing and not a million other things as usual. I can focus on that one thing and so it starts from there. Revelation.

On my drive to Nelspruit, I was sitting, watching the lines on the road, fighting my hair from looking like a lion. The wind won. But as I'm looking, I see something and look all around and I see beauty. I had every desire to just jump out of the car and dance and let the sun hit my face, dance in the rain and just be moved by God. I always have the desires when I can't execute them.

Oh well.

But as I'm having this vision and my heart getting so excited and my blood is pumping. Then I see it.

a rainbow. a gorgeous rainbow and I couldn't help my smile and get excited.  This is where I am.

       >>  Embrace it.  <<

As I'm having all of these thoughts, this music seems to drive me to feel most passionate about this feeling and some others. enjoy.

* on a wholly separate note, I'm beginning to wonder if all this waiting has been so I would come to the point and finish a simple email. We'll see how it all pans out. 

me + communication degree = bad communication

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, she was a psychology major. She made the comment "Most psychology majors get into psychology to subconsciously fix themselves."

It is not to say that this is true for all... but I started doing process of elimination of the psychology majors I knew... and realized, a good deal of them I would never trust to give me any kind of advice or even trust them to listen to me.

But that generalization about psychology majors seems to be true for Communication majors. Communication majors seem to have an awfully difficult time at communication. We understand how communication works and we can read people based on our knowledge. After all that shouldn't I be a master at communicating?

There is a sender and a receiver, there is a channel between the two and everything in the middle is considered noise. Very much like a puzzle and considerably similar to the game "telephone."

And to be honest, that's only the beginning-- then there is the psychology and theories and assumptions... it never ends.

The problem is, I'm still a separate entity outside of my brains knowledge on the subject matter.

I'm great at communicating for other people. But any communication having to do with me, is rather a grueling task.

Ask anyone who is close friends with me. It's a treat, most don't know that they have to learn a separate language when dealing with me. But then you have two of my best friends, Jess and Lor and they know exactly what I'm thinking without me having to say anything.

I'm not very good at communicating feelings... or plans. For plans, I sometimes feel like they should just happen.  But, I forget-- the world doesn't always work like that.

I was having a conversation last night and we were discussing  spontaneity and what that really means for us. You have some of the best memories from those moments but also, since nothing was planned-- the disappointment factor isn't really in the agenda. In spontaneous outbursts-- there are no expectations no hidden attachments. It is what it is, and if it fails at least you tried.

Que sera, sera. 

While, on the other hand when you expect a plan to happen at a given time and date and it doesn't happen according to plan... it becomes wearing.  

waiting. waiting. waiting. WAITING.

"He who keeps a royal command experiences no trouble, for a wise heart knows the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, though a man's trouble is heavy upon him. If no one knows what will happen, who can tell him when it will happen? "

                                        -Ecclesiastes 8:5-6

I guess you could call it a defense mechanism but also you could call it a recipe for adventure.

Let's shoot for adventure.

Sitting under a tree and a couple of leaves start falling. Leaves typically land close. It's relaxing to know where you're grounding is. But, imagine sitting under a tree and you see a helicopter (or whirlybird) fall from the tree. Honestly, you have no idea where it is going to land, depending on the wind and depending how it falls will give you an idea of the journey. It's a more freeing concept.

love these girls.