Photo Project: Time

a little rough, a lot raw.

Here is the skeleton covered in skin. 

I really recommend everyone reading Bethany Lomas' blog. It's shear honesty and humbling and her journey needs to be heard.  

As I was reading her blog and giving my response, I just started typing. Word vomit, an action that both her and I seem to be discovering. And I then decided to most a majority of my response as a blog. 

Living a wrecked life at twenty-three, what a shame right ?

I was having one of my moments the other day and I was talking to my friend nathan, who asked. "do you ever just wish you could live your life and move on from what we know. that we could just abandon or covenant with the Lord"

Embarrassingly I said, well yeah. i actually think about it a lot. 

So here I am last night/early morning I'm at this massive trance party and there are thousands of people there. And don't get me wrong it was fun. But here I am one of 8000 and a majority of those people have know I idea what I know. And here they are living this false reality because they don't know the true goodness in it. It was a suffocated reality. this is their existence. 

As easily as i could talk myself into wanting to not lived this wrecked life, I know I like how I see things. There is depth and beauty. There is truth.

It's because we've tasted and seen.

There is the answer, that wrecked feeling, that complacency is inescapable because we've tasted.

So here you are sitting,  And you are still. it's funny. be still and know he is God. It's that phrase we typically use when we just need that one day to recooperate.  It's comforting.  Be still and know he is God is a mindset that must be lived out daily. Because if we are still, and we acknowledge that he is the all creator, he is the beginning and the end.  And we are surely not at the end because he still fights for us. And the end would mean that he no longer is God but he has that title. He has the last say.
But when are at that point in daily--- then that stillness because movement in him because we let him be as He is. God.

And we don't have talk about it just yet, but we need to live that it has happened. Don't ignore.
Although I'm giving the anecdote, I know I will still end end up doing this.

I know because I've already done it. 

We drown out everything so we don't have to process because when we process we relive it. and we feel those feelings again. And it sucks and is time consuming and wrings the heart and pulls out all the blood flow and leaves us to nothing until we are nothing and we have to lay in the middle of a floor, lights out and blaring praise and worship to drown out the fact that you are balling your eyes out in hopes that you just want God and you want to understand and not feel so wrecked.

thinking that times like this call me to the darkroom, praise and worship and wine. Where I wish this whole time I had be using film so I'd be able to process-- physically and not just emotionally and spiritually.

I have so much more that I want to respond to this but I really feel like I need to stop here.

Read this and dwell and sit in his stillness.

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
   LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
   for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
   for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
   and the swallow a nest for herself,
   where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
   LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
   they are ever praising you.[c]

 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
   they make it a place of springs;
   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
   till each appears before God in Zion.

 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
   listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
   look with favor on your anointed one.

 10 Better is one day in your courts
   than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
   than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
   the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
   from those whose walk is blameless.

 12 LORD Almighty,
   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

psalm 84

Culturally confused—directionally confused. It all runs together.

Finding home.

I’ve seen and done this all before.

I take a challenge and see where it leads me.

This post is mainly inspired by Dorynda Venable, a lovely lady who I’ve known since I was a wee tween… I say wee but let’s be honest. I was at fatty. Anyway that’s beside the point. As well as inspirational because of Ashley Wells most recent Midwest post. In a way, her and I have flip-flopped in life.  I did the whole “Grapes of Wrath” move and she did opposite.

The point is I’m always at this point in defining home.

The first move that I ever remember making was from Tulsa, OK to Costa Mesa, California. Let’s not even talk about all the differences that didn’t occur to me until about a year later.

But minus the familiarity—there was different lingo and terminology. I’ve now adapted to saying “Like” after, well let’s go with every single syllable. But surprisingly rarely ever use the word “like” when typing. Another thing that Californian’s do is say “Soda.” Us Midwesterners use the word “Pop”

Which together makes Sodapop but there often times controversy. With that being said, I find myself having to adapt over little things. The problem arises when I become culturally confused.

I say “Pop” in California and “Soda” in Oklahoma.  And find judgment upon me wherever I go. Naturally, it is all petty but it still strikes a cord.

The Challenge.

I mentioned challenge earlier; since I can remember I have this strange fascination with going to new place, outside of my comfort level, typically where I don’t really know anyone and make a home with the new.

Moving to California, I didn’t know anyone.  I didn’t even like Vanguard University when I visited. I just knew God clearly told me to go.  Challenge accepted.

I had no car. No familiarity. I got pot-lucked in a shoebox dorm with 2 other best friends and prayed for the best.  I was blessed with lifelong friendships. 

Fast-forward:

Five years after Vanguard. One and a half years after my first African “challenge.” I come back for 3 months, alone, with the plan of having a lack of plan.  Always through these “challenges” I find God always has an ulterior motive that I look back and think “ahhhh that’s why I’m really here.”

I’m still waiting for the AHA moment. 

A constant state of confusion

In my last 2 months I have found myself in South Africa, Mozambique and Zimbabwe.

South African’s or Afrikaans people use phrases like

“Just now” – which does not really mean just now to an American.

“Nie”—no—a phrase that I hear quite often from an almost 3 year old girl.

“Lekker” – nice, good great, tasty, et cetera.

“hey”- Using “hey” after every phrase or question.

My first few weeks, I find myself getting acclimated to the Afrikaans way. Then I go to Mozambique and we switch to Portuguese and random shona, etc…

“Nao” – No

“Obrigada”- Thank you

“muito bom”

“Ny a la”- the spelling is off and I believe it’s shona. “I don’t want to”

There was this little boy and I was attempting to tell him “No” and I yelled “Nie” instead of “Nao.” That was the first instance of cultural confusion.

Crossing the border from Mozambique to Zimbabwe. I kept saying “Obrigada.” Zimbabwe uses the US dollar and a good number speak English, NOT Portuguese.

Then staying in Zimbabwe, I stayed with this awesome family, Paul and Melinda Grobler who lived in South Africa for a while. With that being said, in Zimbabwe there was a switch back to Afrikaans lingo.

By this point in time, I was beside myself.

"That's quite Lekker, hey?" -- first instinct

spoken- "I like that a lot."  

When will this madness end?

Aside from mis-responding and now responding to things in my head and then re-translating them into my typical American lingo, I like where I am. 

And love the people I've encountered. 

Especially this Laubscher family that keeps finding me on their doorstep for extended periods of time. 

Photo Project: Let there be light.

lack of motivation.

I've been finding it difficult to actually pick up my camera for motivation and inspiration. I think about it and that's as far as it goes.

But I took these photos a couple weeks ago and they are pretty inspiring if you meditate on them.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

 

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

These ladies are from Marondera, Zimbabwe and they are a light in the Community.

I know these are everywhere but it is what it is.

Bethany  and Ashley have beautiful installments to the photo project. sharp photos and good theme and overall gorgeous prints.

seven years

I can't believe it's been seven years.

If I close my eyes it all seems like yesterday.

Scavenger hunt. You had balls man. The things you do. 

You flipping made it to state in diving without even trying-- just because you saw a diving board.

Then there was state, we were all watching a scary movie. The grudge to be exact. I need to grab something from my hotel room and you walked me, just in case I was too scared. Before I knew it you had run far passed me like a little baby and left me alone. True friendship right there.

Let's not even talk about how you forced me driving you home everyday after school and I constantly complained. In reality, I just complained because it was fun.

Or how about the time when you hopped into my convertible and decided that we should get food instead of swim class. I said, "heck no." Then you proceeded to try to talk me into it and said nothing would happen. Right around that time a car was following us only to realize it was our principal. And we could honestly say, "We weren't skipping." thanks to me.

You always had a smile on your face no matter how mad anyone could be at you.


But what I wish you could have seen.

Your team, your friends wearing pink in honor of you-- not just any shade of pink, hot pink. We all stood in unity with memories of you on our backs.

No one can pull off pink like you.

You are missed, my friend.


 
“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph of his foes - Psalms 112: 7-8”.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster

I'm gangster, you're gangster... 

Black Acura, tinted windows and a sound system. 

Cruising down Newport blvd., stoplight, black sunglasses, roll down the windows and stare down the Escalade because it's on. Intimidation is key.  Word.

Windows always rolled down. The police will pull us over if they realize how tinted the windows really are and realize how gangster we really are. [Mainly the second reason.] The kind of sound system where if you're sitting in the backseat and the reverb of the speakers tickle your back and when the car is off, you can no longer feel the back of your spine. This would be the effect of my friend Jason's car. 

Let's be honest, if we're getting into labels, I'm not typically the kind of girl that chooses to listen to rap music. But everytime I'm in his car, I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs, headbanging. Rapping at every attempt to keep up with the lyrics. At least Subpar rapping.

But everytime, I find myself saying, "I wish I were a gangster."

And everytime, the various people in the car make fun of me because I'm as white as they come and I emphasize there "E-R" in gangster. I like enunciating all my syllables. So, "Gangsta" is not in question.

If only... 

This car does it to you, I mean bethany lomas turned gangster. Ashley Wells (girl in the top left photo) sweet five foot, english major turned gangster. Don't even get me started with Becca.

You can't even handle it. 

Actually my old Honda turned people gangster. Specifically Bethany and I when we devoted an entire San Diego trip to learn Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love. 

What's wrong with the world mama? People living like aint got no mamas I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism But we still got terrorists here livin In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK But if you only have love for your own race Then you only leave space to discriminate And to discriminate only generates hate And if you hatin you're bound to get irate Yeah madness is what you demonstrate And that's exactly how anger works and operates You gotta have love just to set it straight Take control of your mind and meditate Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all People killing people dying Children hurtin you hear them crying Can you practice what you preach Would you turn the other cheek? Father Father Father help us Send some guidance from above Cause people got me got me questioning Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

[.a recent conversation with jessi duke.]

"Sam: I'm gangster. you're gangster, let's be friends. i means gangsters? Do gangsters use the word friends?     let's be bros? or is it hos ?hmmmm

 Jessi: I'll be yo ho FO SHO!!! "

Although my terminology isn't up to par, I do have a pretty sweet "b-l-o-o-d" sign.

I do have some pretty gangster friends though.. 

But Sara Saylors is the most gangster of all. 

///edit///
This little gem photo was captured the other night at Madame Zingara.
Thanks to whoever took the photo and thanks Lucia for the sweet edit.

Need I say more?

I am here.

Nowhere else but here. 

 Although this picture doesn't look like much, it actually holds a lot of significance. Driving to Harare, Zimbabwe the other day we passed this cemetery and I thought, "I would really like a photo of this." Assuming I would get it on my way back from Harare, I still managed to miss the shot. 

The next morning Terri and I packed up our stuff and left Marondera at an early 5am with the morning fog and everything. It was beautiful. I also was going to finally capture this cemetery. An image I was most excited about especially with the morning fog. As we drive, I have my camera on and I'm holding it in anticipation. I keep thinking we are almost there but my excitement left my timing about where the cemetery was a little foggy, no pun intended.

After holding my camera in position for a while, I grew lazy. I set my camera down and not even two minutes later I hear, "And there's the cemetery." I grabbed my camera as quickly as I could but nothing was set up. I missed my chance. I had this beautiful vision in mind of what I would have been shooting and I missed it. I spend all the time waiting and gave up right before the moment happened.

"Are you kidding me?" I yell in the car. Then Terri kind of smirks compares this situation to life. We spend all this time waiting on God and being prepared for something to happen. Then the minute we stop waiting in the place we need to be. The something happens and we miss what we had spent all the time waiting and preparing for. 

Story of my life. Life lesson to be learned through a simple metaphor of a photo. 

And we drive some more. 

road after road, police stop after police stop, and cloud after cloud. Clouds, I focus mainly on the clouds.Watching them change after hours, finding shapes and making animals. Wishing I was in laying in the field I was driving passed just to study the clouds more and just bask in beauty. Zimbabwe skies are some of the bluest I've seen to date. 

As all of this is happening, I think of why I'm here whilst trying not to have an existential crisis. Playing in movie form everything I've been thinking. I try to put into logic what I'm doing in Africa of all places. About a month ago, I was talking to someone and when we were parting ways when his last words to me were, "good luck finding yourself."  And as I have previously stated before in writing.

"I'm not finding myself, I know where I am," I say.

I know where my feet are grounded. I know who I am.  I've never needed to find myself. Maybe a reminder of whose I am. I'm in a constant pursuit of being who I'm called to be. But I know where my foundation comes from and who my hope is in.

I'm in pursuit of God and seeing Him through others people's eyes. So I can better know who He is. I'm in pursuit of discovery. 

As thinking about this conversation and watching the trees pass by and thinking about where I've been the last month. Clearly, my though is. 

I just want to see. 

 

C.S Lewis- you wrote great words. 
"...Nothing that you have not given away will really be yours.  Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in! "

Photo Project: "And it was all Yellow"

Extra on the Yellow

It's funny how the mind works. Something easy for one person isn't easy for another. When I hear someone ramble about science and math--I go blank. ha ha

As I was looking at my blogroll, I noticed Ashley Wells wrote a post, then read it. Her post reminded me that I haven't posted this weeks theme pictures:

Y e l l o w  

I also mention Ashley Wells and my beginning sentence because when this week's theme was revealed,  I was instantly excited. This will be great I thought. I then read Ash's blog and her experience for the assignment was difficult. 

Things I like that are yellow: 

• my yellow j.crew elephant shorts 
• sun
• mustard yellow, although I hate mustard.
• fields of sunflowers
• this awesome headband that lor bought me with splashes of yellow
• my yellow pants 

"Years in the Making" Zimbabwe moss, takes hundreds of years to look like this.
"Catching the Zimbabwe sun"


"Mozambican Princess" OKay not a true princess, but she's so darn adorable.



"Here Comes the Sun"
Mozambican Sunrise- Gorgeous. I just love* waking up at 5 in the morning. 

*please note my sarcasm.