from internal to external.

Resting. Currently at Edgar and Lucia's place just hanging  out today.

We got back from Mozambique a few days ago and there were almost no mishaps... we were stranded on the side of the road for an hour not really sure where to go but decided to stay in a backpacking hostel in Mputo which was sweet. Woke up at 5 am to get on a bus at 7 am... well a bus that we hope existed. We were waiting in front of the station for an hour with all our luggage which was slightly unnerving, but its okay. 

We got on the bus with no problem, then it broke down at the border, but it's okay again because God had his hand and provided another bus going to the same place with exactly enough seats to fit our group. :) Then when we we arrived in nelspruit. It just so happened that the papa kent was picking up some people from that bus that we got on ... so he was there waiting. And had mercy on us and took us home.  

The last few weeks have been learning and growing. 

I don't think I realized how much healing I need. I've analyzed myself to great extents from the ways that I can predict my next move without even realizing that I'm doing it. I know who I am. But before I left I knew something was clearly off. On executive board retreat I had the hardest time trying to make my life eloquent and poetic. At the end of telling my story I wrote Africa. "Just let me find God."  I don't want to run away from life, I just want to find him. 

I've been going on fast foward for so long that I honestly haven't had the time to even stop and really process anything. I've just been delaying and trying to make sure everyone else is safe and sound.  The only way to force myself to stop and evaluate was to to remove me from this place.

I needed to become unsafe and be stripped of my strategic life and planned lifestyle in which i hate so much but refuse to escape from. 

2 months has been a process 

From Zimbabwe- God revealed himself to me and gave me stars and had some catch up conversations.  He is my father and gave me the capacity to break. He broke me.

Back to South Africa and Backdoor: back to stubborn.

Mozambique: Let's see how unsafe we can put in my life. When i say unsafe, I don't mean my life is in danger. I mean... let's see if I actually will seek God. I did. I had to latch on to something. Being surrounded with new people made me have to re-establish who I was and why I was what I am. I pretty much spent he last three weeks bringing up situations that hadn't been brought up in years. God placed some pertinent people in my life to help me realize that his hand was there. From big to small. He made it known, "I have not abandoned you, Oh child." 

For the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

Megan forced me to become external and not internal. Regarding my feelings in ministry, which turned out to be the greatest thing in the world. Probably something that God has been trying to get me to do for years to become external with the present and not just with the past. 

I spent time re-reading my journal and realizing how much I don't think I deserve love and how I think too damaged. 

I realized how much he keeps asking me to be still and drink from the cup in his hands. 

Do you know how many times I wrote that in my journal. Do you know how many times He has asked me to be still and know that he is God. He has seriously been telling me at every angle imaginable for years. 

Now, I'm miles away and now... 

I have been taught to stop dwelling and to become joyful. 

Since that moment, I have felt extreme joy with God. 

Just give me Jesus 

there is so much more but my journal is about 8 pages full from a matter of two days. 

I am blessed by the people that i have encountered 

more to come...