a little rough, a lot raw.

Here is the skeleton covered in skin. 

I really recommend everyone reading Bethany Lomas' blog. It's shear honesty and humbling and her journey needs to be heard.  

As I was reading her blog and giving my response, I just started typing. Word vomit, an action that both her and I seem to be discovering. And I then decided to most a majority of my response as a blog. 

Living a wrecked life at twenty-three, what a shame right ?

I was having one of my moments the other day and I was talking to my friend nathan, who asked. "do you ever just wish you could live your life and move on from what we know. that we could just abandon or covenant with the Lord"

Embarrassingly I said, well yeah. i actually think about it a lot. 

So here I am last night/early morning I'm at this massive trance party and there are thousands of people there. And don't get me wrong it was fun. But here I am one of 8000 and a majority of those people have know I idea what I know. And here they are living this false reality because they don't know the true goodness in it. It was a suffocated reality. this is their existence. 

As easily as i could talk myself into wanting to not lived this wrecked life, I know I like how I see things. There is depth and beauty. There is truth.

It's because we've tasted and seen.

There is the answer, that wrecked feeling, that complacency is inescapable because we've tasted.

So here you are sitting,  And you are still. it's funny. be still and know he is God. It's that phrase we typically use when we just need that one day to recooperate.  It's comforting.  Be still and know he is God is a mindset that must be lived out daily. Because if we are still, and we acknowledge that he is the all creator, he is the beginning and the end.  And we are surely not at the end because he still fights for us. And the end would mean that he no longer is God but he has that title. He has the last say.
But when are at that point in daily--- then that stillness because movement in him because we let him be as He is. God.

And we don't have talk about it just yet, but we need to live that it has happened. Don't ignore.
Although I'm giving the anecdote, I know I will still end end up doing this.

I know because I've already done it. 

We drown out everything so we don't have to process because when we process we relive it. and we feel those feelings again. And it sucks and is time consuming and wrings the heart and pulls out all the blood flow and leaves us to nothing until we are nothing and we have to lay in the middle of a floor, lights out and blaring praise and worship to drown out the fact that you are balling your eyes out in hopes that you just want God and you want to understand and not feel so wrecked.

thinking that times like this call me to the darkroom, praise and worship and wine. Where I wish this whole time I had be using film so I'd be able to process-- physically and not just emotionally and spiritually.

I have so much more that I want to respond to this but I really feel like I need to stop here.

Read this and dwell and sit in his stillness.

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
   LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
   for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
   for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
   and the swallow a nest for herself,
   where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
   LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
   they are ever praising you.[c]

 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
   they make it a place of springs;
   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
   till each appears before God in Zion.

 8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
   listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
   look with favor on your anointed one.

 10 Better is one day in your courts
   than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
   than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
   the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
   from those whose walk is blameless.

 12 LORD Almighty,
   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

psalm 84