Where is my Joy?

"I was a little girl alone in my little world...

 who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing.  I had a dream.  Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream. Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream."

Everytime I listen to this song, I find this gut wrenching feeling that churns deep down leaving my stomache into knots. Priscilla Ahn portrays it beautifully. I'm sure hearing the song today didn't help at all. It's strange, I've been feeling pretty down lately. In fact, not happy. 

I've been told often by people that they can see the joy in me. 

It's funny to me, in all honesty. In the moment of situations,  I'm high strung and overall, fairly negative. Looking back on most memories, I wish I could relive them and be a different me. I guess a new creation, if you will. I'm constantly having to die to self. I'm constantly having to be renewed. 

I also find that I don't really like terms "happy" and "sad." I don't enjoy temporary feelings. Except for today. 

For this first time in my life, I don't feel happy.  I can't remember the last time where someone asked me how I was and I responded with "I don't feel happy." 

When I would travel in Africa, I'd often ask some how they were and they'd response with "I'm fine." 

That's it. zilch. nada. I always hated the word "fine." 

It describes nothing but it rarely ever portrays a pleasant feeling. Maybe now I finally understand the use of the word "fine." I've been saying it a lot lately. 

With that being said, I'm glad that I can have this temporary feeling because I don't like not being "happy." 

So for today, temporary feelings you suffice.

My roommate Mallory and I have been having a lot of the same feelings. A lot of it has to do with self-dwelling and constantly not being content or satisfied with where we are at. We are both in the wrong for a lot of our feelings. 

But as I'm writing this, I'm one of the procrastinators of all things. Even things I want to do. I decided to check utmost.org. I wanted to see if Mister Chambers had any words of advice for today. 

Psh. Of course he did. 

August 31-- I'm actually a few minutes ahead but in South Africa it the 31st and that's how this whole ordeal got started. 

The title of his mini devotion is "My Joy...your Joy" 

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full —John 15:11

What was the joy that Jesus had? Joy should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it is an insult to Jesus Christ to use the word happiness in connection with Him. The joy of Jesus was His absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice to His Father— the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do—

I leave you with that... how fitting.