Pulls the curtain back. Sits in the chair. Turns video camera on. Clears throat. "Am I doing this right?" "Is this thing on?" Here it goes. Nervously looks away from the camera.
Don't worry folks, there is no scripted material here.
This is reality. Not a false reality. Although, more recently I feel like I'm living in a false reality or secretly hoping that things aren't really as they seem and this was just a practice year.
I have come to the understanding that I am neither here, nor there. I seem to be experiencing a discontentment in my existence.
It brings me back to Lewis Carroll's I picture Alice going through the rabbit hole learning her lessons of the "Coming of Age" and what the really looks like. As her adventure ends, she wakes up from her dream. She is ready to
grow into a lady, for she has gained wisdom in foolish ways. The
foolish and childish ways are what will make the journey stick. She will
always remember that she will never be old to dream and never be too
old to learn something new.
home. A little background, I have always struggled with the idea of home. From the time of being a babe to the early stages of being an adult, the consistency of the same red, brick house is what I considered home. Six years later, when any person asks me where home is, I find myself unaware of how to answer. My only response is "I am homeless." There is a constant confusion.
Years of analyzing home and what do I have to show for it. A lot of slight understandings. And the most frustrating. I don't know if I will ever feel connected. I seem to find a little but of home where I go. Then manage to leave a piece of my heart. So as time progresses, I feel more and more scattered. Wondering how I'm supposed to be reunited with my pieces of home.
lost. Last January if you were to ask me, where was next the next step. California was not on my list. After some struggling with God. I realized he called me to stay and be still. In my opinion, I find I am in wasted time*. But, perspectives seem to be different.That's okay. Looking back, I'm sure I will reminiscent on that time saying, "Hey, remember that time that I felt like I was floating with no real direction, yeah that was fun." Being lost is not really fun for me at the moment. Especially, when I can't even figure out where I am. All I know is when I am sitting in church I get this feeling that I don't want to be here.
x marks the spot. Where is here. Here is there. There is here. Here is where. Figure that one out. Then get back to me. Here, spiritually. That's a loaded question. Just give me Jesus. Here, physically. When I close my eyes, this is how I seem to picture myself. Photojournalist style in the field somewhere. Writing wherever I can find a place, mainly busy places. In some sort of trance or zone that whatever I am working on is powering itself. That words are spilling on the screeen. Images are speaking for themselves. That the story of whatever it is wants to get out. It must get out. I can picture myself so driven. Then I open my eyes, look around and I see a living room and a couch that I am all too familiar with that seems to get more of my time that anything I am actually passionate about.
confession. I live in fear. Almost everything in my life brings fear. I want to plan everything. I need to plan everything. I am a controller of time. This is an oxymoron of what I believe in. Especially what drives the woman, I feel I am becoming or am striving to become. The woman that I believe God is privileging me to be.
moral."Stay foolish, stay hungry.- Steve jobs.
* To my friends and family, who I get to experience life with. I just wish we could experience more together. You are not wasted time. Talks over cups of coffee, friends being united, African adventures, Scotland love, good beach days. I do cherish all of it. The moments of loneliness and anxiety and me not being a good steward of my time. That is where my regret lies.
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