Identity

I am Samantha Elizabeth May. I have a father and a mother. I have one grandma. I have quite a few aunts and uncles and more cousins than I care to count at the moment. I have had the same best friend since I was 6. I have been lucky enough to add a few more. I lived in Oklahoma for the majority of my life and have lived a rather large chunk of my remaining years in California. I jump at the hat to travel and plant my roots often in other countries. I love the Lord. I love finding beauty in everything.

With that said, I've always struggled a bit in the department of identity.

Not in the sense that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. But struggle with the identities already inhabited in me. For example, daughter, friend, explorer, photographer, writer, girlfriend, Christ follower, et cetera.

Mainly, I feel like I struggle with the identity of daughter. Both on a spiritual and worldly (I can't seem to find a better word to fit, I am open to suggestions)  level.  I constantly believe I have failed.

On a worldly level,  I don't really feel like one. I often feel alone and on my own, wondering if I had done something to make me feel the way I do. Did I do something wrong? My roommate had a theory the other day. I don't think I want to put those words in existence yet but I had never thought if it in her perspective.  Other times, I wonder if I've done this to myself creating a never ending cycle that will always lead me to feeling like I'm never enough. 

I am never enough. 

On a spiritual level, Child of God. Daughter of the father who rescued me from all things. Showing me beauty in everything, even in pain. Truthfully, this thought is what has brought my through the years. That I place all my hope in this one phrase. But even I manage to humanize it and create standards for myself that the Father doesn't hold me on. Standards that cause me to find the lowest of the low in me. When all he has asked me to do is meet him constantly showing me that I am loved regardless.

I constantly fail.

I have an image of who I want to be. But in the identity of daughter there are lines blurred. I watch daughter's interact, I observe how I interact with other families. There is a consistent battle of inner turmoil that is like an onion. Layers beyond layer, each layer as treacherous as the one before.