thankfulness and light

This time of the year always makes me sad. I mean, like, really sad. Most things have the potential to set me off and I could be in near tears. I'm not really sure why. Everyone else around me appears to be a bundle of joy. Seeing everyone else happy makes me cynical. I know what you're thinking. Who is this girl that wishes sadness upon everyone she comes in contact with. This is not true any means. I would rather everyone else be happier than I was during this time. But my cynicism sprouts through jealousy of everyone's joyfulness. Jealousy and joyfulness. . . which if you know the definitions to those words at all... you should know that those words should never be in a sentence together and I have CLEARLY missed the point of it all. Well, my you are right my friends, I have missed the point completely as I do every year. 

Once upon a time I thought my sadness came from the fact that holiday tradition doesn't really run in my family, stockings weren't stuffed and I never really got what I wanted. Christmas was another looked over day. Then through a random conversation a few years ago with friends and family... I voiced my opinion.  Things started changing. I still felt empty. Go figure. 

Where every year around this time, I still feel filled with sadness and a chronic jealousy of other people's joy.  Where has my joy gone? 

Around this time I spend a lot of time alone. Taking various drives and means of escaping just to declutter my thoughts and values.The other night I went to this holiday concert with some awesome artist(pawnshopkings, tim timmons, molly jenson, to name a few) at my church singing christmas songs and carols. But all of them filled with joy overflowing even in dismay. They have found what they are looking for. 

Coming back to the idea that I have missed the point of what joy is and what this day means. It's not about stuff. Yes, gifts were involved but not like we understand them now. The wise men brought Jesus gifts all with extreme value and extremem meaning. 

Gold, frankincense and myrrh. Gold representing royalty and kingship on earth. Frankincense, a sweet smelling smoke, representing that He is divine. Myrrh, an embalming oil, that foreshadowed what was to come. Death. Jesus would sacrifice his life to redeem our souls.  

My soul has been redeemed. hallelujah. 

So I ask myself again. 

Where is my joy. 

I am saved. The Mighty One died so I would have life. 

For in this moment, I have missed the point that I have only looked at a small portion of the story. 

There are far greater things ahead.