The Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Literally. Figuratively. Oops, maybe I gave too much away.

For a while now, I’ve felt like there was an elephant in the room. I shove it under my bed every so often, sometimes in the closet, never near a mirror. Mirrors reveal too much. And I’m not speaking of only myself. Everything is shown in a reflection, everything. Sometimes distorted depending on which way it’s looked at. 

I think that’s why I haven’t written with as much substance for a while now—give or take a few posts.

Trust is a really big issue for me. I don’t trust a lot of people. I’m an open book about most things unless I haven’t figured something out in my life. I’m rather reserved until I’m mad, then I’m an untamed animal. This only happens once every blue moon. Unless you’re my boyfriend, then you experience this more frequently. (If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.) On top of me not trusting often. I’m also overly hyper-aware of people and how ones actions could affect their life. So, I find myself constantly wracking me brain trying to do the right things, say the right things, keep my cool but mainly try to take care of others before myself. I think I learn that last trait from my mother. But I find that not everyone shares those same traits. Which confuses me. And hurts me.

There it is. The elephant in the room.

Hurt. I feel hurt. betrayed. And more than a little sad.

I’ve had friendship breakups before. They are always messy. Especially the ones that so much trust is invested. Maybe too much. Most likely.  Friends often times tell me how guarded I am.  So, I give more. I trust more. More times than not, in my opinion, I get the short end of the stick. It is just a reality.

But what hurts the most is when you’ve placed these people as lifers. They aren’t just the day-to-day, out of convenience because there is no one else. (Although, maybe this was their thought.) They are the ones that you picture in your wedding, standing next to you because your trust them with sharing this happiness with you and witness these intense life moments. And in the blink of an eye, that future memory fades and morphs into another future memory without. 

I think that adds to the hurt.

I speak fond memories of you. Often too.

They make me sad.

Maybe it’s the reason I don’t like elephants in the room so much anymore.

I changed to giraffes. 

Phase two: Oregon and the art of being lost

What a lovely day for an adventure and a perfect day to get lost.
The day after I quit my job I went to Oregon for a few days ro rejuvenate and spend some quality time with friends and family. I even managed to adult-nap Jessi Duke and put her in my suitcase.

It was great fun. We surprised everyone with her arrival. There were laughs, hugs and quite of a few tears. Truly, there is nothing fabricated about that statement. It was refreshing to be back with familiarity and be with a handful of people that know me. I miss that.

For the weekend, there were two teams. Team 306 and Team Ritz. It's not like there was really a competition or anything of the sort, it's just easier for clarification. Team 306 consists of two of my best friends, Jessi Duke and Bethany Lomas. Jessi Duke is the map master and Bethany Lomas and I, not so much.

Adventure One: A superbowl party in Albany, Oregon with the Marks Family. 

Let's be honest. I don't care about football in the slightest. Although the Destiny's Child reunion was worth it. Guilty Pleasure.  I have a lot of adopted families that take me in as their own. The Marks' family being one of them. Team 306 and Team Ritz set out. We mapped the location and got to a place where Beth said, "I got this." Miscommunication happened. I thought she knew the rest of the route but "I got this meant" she know how the interchange worked. We ended up 20 miles out of the wrong direction. Eventually on the right track, and a few messages inquiring about our ETA, we managed to get there. Spending the afternoon eating and hottubbing and watching the concert with a football game. Then we were off.

Adventure Two: Saint Helens, Oregon.

"Sam, Are we supposed to be in Washington?" Bethany asks.
"No, but the map says we are going the right way." I say.  "I think we are going to cross back into Oregon.

Lesson learned: Always trust your instinct. Especially if you've been there before and all of a sudden going a completely different route than normal.

Normally the "map master" would have charge of the map but her phone fell down a toilet and she  was using one of those non-smartphones. About an hour later, we find ourselves driving in the middle of nowhere, surrounded my darkness.

"Do you recognize where we are going" Bethany asks.
"Oh sure, I think we are really close." I reply.

To be honest, I had no idea where we were but I continued to follow the directions.
Then began to look at the map.

If you are noticing something wrong you are absolutely right.

"Beth, don't be nervous but I would recommend driving slower. We might be running into a body of water soon. I'm sure it's just me misreading something though."

Nope, I was reading correctly. We were in fact running into a body of water. Wazemaps, There is no bridge!

We get to our final stop where we cannot go any further and I make a phone call. See the thing about that body of water is, it's the distance to where we were wanting to go, which was less than a mile. If we would have flashed our lights, my family across the water would have been able to see us.

This little mistake cost us over an hour. We were not supposed to be in Washington, we were supposed to be in Oregon. But it's the little things that keep us with an adventurous spirit. Plus, it was quality time with some of my greatest friends.

After a while, we made it. Greeted with laughs and wine with friends and family. Later graced with Team Ritz, we spent the rest of the night chatting, drinking wine and hot tubbing.

I always love going to my family's house. They have this amazing house that overlooks the water and it's the perfect retreat. We didn't get to go sailing this time around. Sadly, there was no wind but we did get to take a boat ride and enjoy the day.

I could get used to waking up to this every morning. 

Adventure three: Portland hiking. 

Another scenario of finding ourselves lost and no idea where we the actual trailhead was. Once we made it, it was lovely but we only have 40 minutes to spare. But it was nice to be in the woods with the cool air against my face. 

It was a perfect four days. Thanks to all who made the weekend a success. 




In the air. Northern California.











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Count down

Support.

I had dinner with one of my mentors and her adorable daughter the other night. My mentor is also crazy. I say crazy in the best form possible but she knows EVERYTHING about everybody and if she doesn’t know information, get confused and realize she’s just not on her A-game. 

She assured me of something the other day.  I have support. Especially, as I’m making this practically insane move, something that seems to make sense to everyone of my confidantes. Usually the response goes I told you so. Why didn’t you do this over a year ago.

Let’s not go through all the reasons of WHY NOT. I’m sure it would be a rather painful process and I’m just not in an emotional state to handle that.

I feel overwhelmed with all the people who are there for me. I adore you all.

I’m going to miss random boba adventures, talking one of best friend into trips when she is half-drunk, catchphrase and drenga nights, beach days and sunsets, nannying some of the coolest kids and falling asleep in their beds when the parents come home, cross-country road trips,  et cetera.

It’s been real.

And you guys are killing me.