bah.

i am a robot.

the artists sold out to obvious

I drove the mountain just to see where you live

I wanted to understand who you were

when you were there

carefree and innocent

but I couldn't find anything of the sort 

I keep coming back to spots 

that have already been pulled apart 

I've found nothing new 

I called you the music man 

the one who couldn't write melodies for my harmonies 

I called you the picture man

who couldn't create 

beauty in me 

I called you the movie man 

who refused to write me in a story 

worth being in 

you sold the story short

for amazing 

that's transparent. 

rightfully so

instead of 

search high and low 

for esoteric 

but it's okay

because that's not all the character's cracked up to be 

she manipulates the story 

to find perspective 

into 

a new story

The character created the story of the man who once lived up the mountain. 

- Today I bought a flannel shirt and joshua radin.  My life feels complete. If only that were true.

I think I'm going to write a book.  I just want to drive somewhere amazing and share God with someone.  In both meanings of reading that sentence. He's always been so personal to me.  I think I need to experience him in new ways. I've not let him be limitless like he is. I've made limits to Him and who I've allowed him to let me be.  But if that means letting him give me wings, then so be it. Let the discovery begin. 

a rather short summary of life.

Lately, I've been encountering nightmares. When I was younger, I used to pray every night that God let me encounter good dreams. I used to wake up every night terrified. So for many years after, I did not encounter nightmares.

The past two months, I've experienced a nightmare at least twice a week. Specifically a couple weeks ago, I had went to bed semi-early because I was so exhausted. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare thinking it was morning, but my room was still pitch black. That was at about three a.m.. I woke up again when my alarm had gone off at about eight still experiencing the same dream. I woke up even more exhausted than when I had went to sleep.

With this being said, a common theme to all my nightmares is being chased. I am always being chased. And I am constantly fighting to think outside the box to outsmart who/what is chasing me. I started praying again for relieve of nightmares, and in fact, my good friend Des has as well. Months before this moment, she taped an index card beside my bed.

Psalm 3: 5

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

I am rather curious if there is supposed to be some meaning behind the chase.


Part II. The Crazies
A small portion of my family came to California the other weekend. (Andrea, Wilton, and Jay)
It was good to see them, wish there were better circumstances. I also wish my mom could have made it before my aunt passed. She came this weekend though and we had a good time.
God has blessed me so incredibly much, my aunt's friend Sue is going to be giving my my Tommilou's camera and I'm so excited. I get to take it to Africa and take beautiful photographs. I am also recruited to take pictures for my Aunt's celebration of Life Party on March 15. It'll be interesting to be able to take photographs for an un-biased group. Seeing as how i will know a total of one person at the Party. I always take photo's that I am fully connected to in one way or another. If that makes any sense. I am also recieving the most beautiful dresser once we get our house in a couple of months.

Part III.

I am the definition of rollercoaster. Life is out of my control right now, as it should be. But, I feel like there is no method to this madness in a not so good way. I'm already behind before I even got started and I can't seem to catch up. Junk just keeps piling up and it continuing until the next year. I feel like a lot of my life is just piled up with junk. Bah.

more to come.