reveal and retain

Saturday night debrief will go down in history as probably one of the longest debriefs ever in ASB. Or so I've gathered.

Six hours of hearing peoples hearts. My heart breaks for my friends. My heart breaks for those hurting. Like I said,

"I can handle my shit. But I don't want my friends to be hurting." I will fight for them. Hearts are so fragile.

Being able to understand through someone eyes nourishes what I ask God on a regular basis. Help me to see as others see, anything any everything.

Since about 9pm I spent a few hours reading A Generous Orthodoxy (I will be up for a few more hours until I've read at least 100 more pages), I then spent a few hours in contemplation and reflections. I started journaling, but not in my normal journal. I actually haven't used this one since September. But I started journaling about the present and how I find myself living in future without paying attention to my present. I'm never where I need to be. But as I took this time of silence and stillness and as i wrote in my journal I decided to read where I started. Where I started was in the exact place I am now. I started this journal in August in silence with a deisre to learn the peace of the father. Here I am, 8 months later, journaling about the exact same idea.

Through this, I'm looking for better ways to retain I've learned.

Off Subject.

Dear Kelly Mount, I adore you and I admire the way God has shaped you. You are authentic and I'm blessed to be able to share life with you and be able to call you a friend. I love you.

Glass Case of Emotion

It's official, I'm an closet emotional wreck.

My mom officially sold the house. She has to be moved to Indiana by may 18th. I leave for Africa, May 15th. I am in school until then. I get back July 15 and I only have 2 weeks before I for sure have to be back at Vanguard, maybe even before that. Then I'm off to finishing up a pointless year it seems like.

My house has been my house since i was 6 months old and though i don't live there on a regular basis it kept a tie to comfortable, if need be. After May 18th I will be an official nomad. With no location to actually call my own. Sure, I'm in California most of the time, but I don't plan on actually living here. I didn't plan on living in Oklahoma either but at least I knew I could claim that in the case that my identity feels lacking. I don't claim Indiana. I never wanted to move there.

I'm excited for my mom, I hope she'll get to move on with her life and not feel like she is stuck. I just hope this doesn't make her close up any more.

I feel like my life is so dysfunctional sometimes, especially between my mom and with my "father." Last night Jessi and I were talking. My dad doesn't even know I'm going to Africa, nor does he know my mom sold the house. And the only reason I saw my dad before was out of convenience a couple times a year...


I just wish I had something tangible.

can you undo me?

I'm too proud to ask, too broke to eat

too weak to bow, too strong to bleed

Can you sing over me words of comfort

Can you satisfy me, sweet honey

Can you break through me, with your strong hands

Can you undo me, enough to heal

You take the weight from my shoulders

My hands were were clenched, now they're open

I'll take your goodness, pour it from the sky

Food from the ravens, water from the dry well

- enter the worship circle: fourth circle, "too proud"