When I was dumb

Yes, when I was dumb *


Many ages ago, I had this dear friend. His name shall remain nameless-- in case he ever so decides to search for me and find this. We shall call him William Wallace, just to clarify that he does truly exist and does have a name.

My freshman and sophomore year of highschool William Wallace and I were inseparable. We would write notes to each other through every passing period, we would text, we would go over to each others houses. He would skateboard to my house in the wee hours of the night with his best friend. One of my best friend's at the time was dating his best friends. But I should have known, he'd fall for me. Never fear though William Wallace and I would never get awkward, partially because he would never fully tell me. Just very much imply it. But he was too shy to say anything. I on the other hand could never decide what my feelings were for him. So, I left it there.

The problem in this situation lies in the fact that he pursued me for over a year without me realizing it. Tonight, I was listening to a song with some dear friends of mine, jason and ashley. And I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Then it hit me, I had to kill the music.

"I just realized why one of my best guy friends in highschool pursued me for so long...'

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst to break or bury or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.


These words right here are the lyrics to a Dashboard Confessional song called Hands Down. This was my favorite song, I wrote these lyrics on every single note I wrote to William Wallace. Keep in mind as lyrics that were always stuck in my head meaning nothing. But him most likely taking it as hope.

So, this is an apology.

Dear William Wallace,

I apologize for breaking your heart, it never occured to me that I was the reason that kept you hanging on for so long. Enjoy the rest of your life. I'm glad you have a gorgeous love now, you deserve the best.

to friendship,
Samantha e. May









* Note: I am still apt to be dumb, but the implication is for a time of the past in this reference.