apathetic + restless

If you give a girl a thought... 


The last few days I've been in one of those moods. The kind where you don't know what you want to do but you don't want to do what you're doing. Television and movies didn't suffice. Reading, eh. Crafting, not so much. Nothing really sparked anything in me. 

Then to add to the entire thing, I haven't been sleeping. Either crazy amounts of strange dreams or being wide awake until four in the morning, then I have this RLS type things that happens to me where I feel like my leg feels really heavy and I can never get comfortable. Depending what I'm wearing I have to change a bunch. First, it's the socks that make me uncomfortable. Then it's the leggings. On any normal day I live in leggings but something about nighttime, I start getting really claustrophobic and have to change into baggy pajamas. Then sometimes the covers become too much and I have to take them off my leg. Then I remember it's winter and cold. So, the covers come back on. Repeat. 

Then I start thinking, I start thinking how I only see glimpses of myself these days. Then that makes me sad. I start thinking about my friends and how I feel like I'm hiding out from all of them because I don't necessarily have "great" things to report to the mainland. Then I start reading news articles about planes crashing, children dying and my level of fear becomes a heightened train wreck. I check my facebook and a friend's friend and wife, colleague died on a freak accident while visiting the United States. They were CEO's of a non-profit and then you start thinking about all the people involved. Then what's next.  It's not even your life and you can't help but feel for them. 

Then there are moments when you find out one of your best friends is engaged and you are so happy for them but the only thing you can do is cry. And think, that would have been nice to have been there to share that moment. For them to be face to face or voice to voice, sharing that the love of their life has just proposed and they are getting married. Then you start thinking about how everything that you thought would be isn't as planned. Which is fine but then you start thinking more and the conclusion is an existential existence where you just don't understand life.   


.... she will run away with it and join the circus. 

I am here. You are here.

It is easier said than done. No matter how many times I say it or write it. Forcing the concept into existence, it must be true. But why can't I believe it.

I am not on another continent with my backpacker's pack exploring on a layover trying to read body language and logic to get me to where  I want to go. I am not in a third world country questioning the water that I am drinking or the "toilet" provided (or not provided). 

I am here.

I am not in another time, creating a future that does not exist. Nor, may it never exist. I am not in the past, reliving mistakes, dwelling on greener pastures, stagnant.

I am here.

My feet touch this ground. My lungs breath this air. Today is not intangible. Unlike the past and future. The mirage of what has been and it is to come.

I am here. It is simple as that. 

I am lack of sleep. Shooting and editing photograph after photograph. Spending a day pondering this mix. Heartbeats of life and beauty finding their way back home.