Where is my Joy?

"I was a little girl alone in my little world...

 who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest swing.  I had a dream.  Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream. That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream. Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream."

Everytime I listen to this song, I find this gut wrenching feeling that churns deep down leaving my stomache into knots. Priscilla Ahn portrays it beautifully. I'm sure hearing the song today didn't help at all. It's strange, I've been feeling pretty down lately. In fact, not happy. 

I've been told often by people that they can see the joy in me. 

It's funny to me, in all honesty. In the moment of situations,  I'm high strung and overall, fairly negative. Looking back on most memories, I wish I could relive them and be a different me. I guess a new creation, if you will. I'm constantly having to die to self. I'm constantly having to be renewed. 

I also find that I don't really like terms "happy" and "sad." I don't enjoy temporary feelings. Except for today. 

For this first time in my life, I don't feel happy.  I can't remember the last time where someone asked me how I was and I responded with "I don't feel happy." 

When I would travel in Africa, I'd often ask some how they were and they'd response with "I'm fine." 

That's it. zilch. nada. I always hated the word "fine." 

It describes nothing but it rarely ever portrays a pleasant feeling. Maybe now I finally understand the use of the word "fine." I've been saying it a lot lately. 

With that being said, I'm glad that I can have this temporary feeling because I don't like not being "happy." 

So for today, temporary feelings you suffice.

My roommate Mallory and I have been having a lot of the same feelings. A lot of it has to do with self-dwelling and constantly not being content or satisfied with where we are at. We are both in the wrong for a lot of our feelings. 

But as I'm writing this, I'm one of the procrastinators of all things. Even things I want to do. I decided to check utmost.org. I wanted to see if Mister Chambers had any words of advice for today. 

Psh. Of course he did. 

August 31-- I'm actually a few minutes ahead but in South Africa it the 31st and that's how this whole ordeal got started. 

The title of his mini devotion is "My Joy...your Joy" 

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full —John 15:11

What was the joy that Jesus had? Joy should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it is an insult to Jesus Christ to use the word happiness in connection with Him. The joy of Jesus was His absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice to His Father— the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do—

I leave you with that... how fitting. 

Finding Clarity

through a foggy lens.  

Folks, this is probably one of my less creative posts in a while. I want to write. I'm feeling rather uninspired and rather distant from God. 

It is time to de-clutter for a but and re-prioritize. There are far too many distractions right now and pinterest and facebook are not my friends in this wasting time process. If I can spend hours daily on pinterest perusing lovely things yet not focus on a minute with God-- I have placed my worship in something else. 

I'm not disappearing completely but unnecessary things are going to be eliminated for a time. In fact, there is a possibility of blogging more.

Philippians 4

Final Exhortations

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.   

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

 
 
be back soon.

One of my absolute favorite children

Kayla Danielle_-- if only your daddy could drive you to me. 

Or even go to the ATM to buy money. It just breaks my heart when you tell me I'm too far away on skype. 

IcanD photography

I know I know, you've heard it before. I love this girl. She has so much personality for a three year old and is very wise beyond her years. 

Understanding this, you will understand my sheer joy when I woke up to this story posted on my skype. 

Lucia:  So this morning I'm drawing with Kayla, and she asks me to draw our family...so I draw Edgar and myself and Kayla and Joss....and when I'm finished, she says: "and Sam, and Sam!!!"

The first thing I did 

Smile a big-toothed grin and then looked up plane tickets. Daydreaming about South Africa, pre-packing my bags trying to already consolidate.   Then was hit with the realization that plane tickets are far too expensive. I'm reminded of this daily. 

I keep hoping that I will discover my superhero abilities and fly soon. 

Oh, you're making me blush.

No really, I don't even know how to contain myself. 

I’ve been blogged. 

Well, Not my personally but my work has. Fabulous. 

I remember the first time, I found my photography elsewhere other than my wall or on my computer. I cried. Literally. I didn't know what t do with myself

I was 18 and perusing through an acquaintances myspace and there it was. A picture I had taken of an Orange County pier, just displayed for the world to see. 

It was pretty darn exciting. 

But more recently I've been getting involved with this Photography circle called Give Prints and my photography is all out there for the entire online community to find. 

  & Now the not just a housewife's blog. 

so fun.

Daniel and Rachel: They're hitched

Summer, Summer I love you and I love that you bring about wedding season


My dear friend, Daniel Cook, just tied the knot with his college sweetheart and I've been in on all the fun the last month. From Vegas Bachelorette Extravaganza's to Bridal Showers to the sweetest Picnic themed wedding-- it's been one hell of a time.

Rachel and Daniel are the chillest, most adorable couple around. I couldn't be more thrilled for them.
The day/night was spent outside eating BBQ, drinking lemonade and dancing the night away with great friends--no really. Dancing from the early evening to the wee hours of the morning. After the park curfew we continued the after party at our local spot. Rachel even came in her wedding dress. She was absolutely stunning.

Introducing the Cook Family and friends...


















and finally.

always thankful

 You are my God, and I will praise you; 

   you are my God, and I will exalt you.

 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; 

   his love endures forever.

psalm 118