new beginnings.

new space.

Long hiatus, lots of new things and changes. 

With all these changes, I've decided to start up a new space but I've been a bit preoccupied. 

Until then...

some visual updates and swoon worthy things from really talented people can be found here. 

(Keep in mind, I'm camera less at the moment. I've been making do with what I have.)

New Years Resolutions: Just be me

Sorry, I'm a procrastinator. Sorry, but I'm not really sorry.  

I decided to approach this year a little bit different. Maybe it's over-compensation for having no real motivation to better myself. But I also don't believe that's entirely true. 
I do want to better myself, but I don't want the new year to tell me that's what I need to do. 

So instead of goaling myself to lose 10 pounds, something I'd love to do. I'm not setting myself up for disaster with January 1. The reality is, I probably will lose 10 pounds but not because of a resolution. 

I just want to be me. I want to look at myself at the end of this year and recognize the woman I am and think, "this year, she was finally herself, not trying to mirror someone else or beat herself up for not being perfect when everyone else seems to be living this fabulous life." 

This years resolutions will go a little something like this. 

1. Eat more Chocolate 
2. Shave my legs less 
3. Snort 
4. Go out of the country. 
5. Search for home. 


You get the point. In the coming of the new year, I only want to be me, something I feel is a goal in itself. 

I also decided if learn something, that will be an accomplishment for 2014. 

On January first, I learned how to make a successful poached egg.  Score!!! 

Things I've already done since January 1. 

1. Learned to make a poached egg.
2. Gone out of the country. Mozambique. 
3. Had more family's dinners. 
4. Learned about a coconut 
5. Read 2 books, almost done with a third. 
6. Applied for three jobs. 

I'm sure there is more, but I'm blanking at the moment. 

On Christmas.

Let's be honest, I've yet to have one of those emotional revelations of the holidays this year. The typical one that I seem to rush the words out to make me feel connected to the rest of the world. Most holidays don't seem like holidays right now. A lot of it is environment and different perspectives and I'm in a completely different country all together that doesn't have snow a only couple hours away. Fireplaces and hot cocoa filled with marshmallows aren't even close to being mumbled on someone's lips. If fact, the only reason I know it's cold other places is the amount of pictures of snow and the hundreds of snow day facebook status' running wild. 

The truth is, I went swimming yesterday and basked in the sun. Because it is summer. My mom sent me a picture of a christmas tree and maybe that helped a bit knowing she was getting in the spirit... Still, I'm far removed from most things that I associate with the holidays. It's weird. 

I didn't have thanksgiving and the now traditional tree decorating the day after christmas with the Duke/Hypes family. I didn't have my first Starbucks Peppermint Mocha commemorating the holiday season. I didn't have the typical conversation with Jessi's grandma and family trying to find the closest starbucks that is always at least 10 minutes away...but I prevail anyways. 

It's strange how we associate those things. And without those associations those feelings don't seem to surface quite like they are supposed to. I've never been a fan of Christmas. 

Let's rephrase that. I've never been a fan of what Christmas' baggage brings. I hate that I never felt up to par with other children, but now I hate the fact that I felt like that. Because I was missing the mark. But I love Christmas. I love the unity of what it is meant to represent. I love how half of the traditions really do have a deeper meaning associated with or how even in, if not in original origin, new traditions symbolically symbolize a meaning bringing rebirth or all new purpose to something that adds into the christmas story. 

It's really is beautiful. 

I've never been a tacky, cheesy person though. I find myself to like classy things. (Maybe it's my opinion.) (people that have seen otherwise, wash it from your minds. yes, even that one, funny time.) (yes, I'm talking to you)

Christmas Music. 

I don't enjoy it. 

Minus Hanson's Christmas or N'SYNC's christmas albums. You know what I'm talking about. 

But in the last couple of years I have found a few albums that I think are beautiful and not-really cheesy in the slightest and I'd love to share. 

1. A Christmas Together 

A compilation of 4 volumes of music by talented artist of all different variety bringing meaningful and some fun songs to the masses. Tyrone Wells, Tim Timmons, Evan Wickham, Pawnshop Kings, etc...

Every Christmas season they do a tour that feels like family living room sessions and after these sessions, whether you were in the spirit or not, you feel grateful for the season and the compilation brings new light on life. 

2. Sleeping at Last- Christmas Compilation 2013 

It's free and beautiful. 

"Each year I record a Christmas cover song and give it away for free. It’s my version of a Christmas card. This has been tradition for many years now… for so many years in fact that it has accumulated (like snow) into this13-song Christmas album, I call my "Christmas Collection."

This year I chose the John Lennon and Yoko Ono classic, “Happy Xmas (War is Over.)” I had so much fun working on this one! I hope you enjoy my take on it and consider it a worthy addition to my ever-growing Christmas Collection. Thanks for listening!! - Ryan (Sleeping At Last)" 

3. The Civil Wars- Oh Come, oh come Emmanuel 

ALWAYS worth a listen. 

4. A Very She + Him Christmas 

Who doesn't love the adorable Zooey Deschanel + M. Ward duo. 

5. The Branches- Songs for Christmas  

Great harmonies and good causes. 

The album is a pay what you like kind of deal. Either for free or whatever is donated goes in support of Invisible Children.

"All tips received during this Christmas season will go to support the programs of Invisible Children directed at the reconciliation of children displaced from their homes by the LRA. No child should be away from their families, especially during the holidays. Help us give to this organization working towards bringing these families back together."

The Branches are for fans who enjoy Mumford and Sons, The Lumineers and The Head and the Heart. 



With that, I hope you all have a fantastic holiday.  Drink some hot cocoa for me, tell me a fun story and take a moment to value the importance of what this season means. 

A seasoned traveler

who manages to always, ALWAYS have a mishap. 

Smooth Sailing- i breeze through the ticket counter thanks to my muscleman. That's boyfriend in case you didn't catch on. Grabbed a cup of coffee, said the suppressed tearful goodbye, breezed though airport security (although, this is Africa. I'm not sure if that really is a good thing.. what else is new) saw my terminal was A1. I went and sat and waited- then waited. Boarding time was 7:30.

I glance at my phone, it's 7:28...hmmm not too much going on down here, looked at my gate. A1. Seemed to be in the right place, then i start seeing attendants and not in the correct airline colors. 7:35, I get up and decided to ask an attendant once i hear jabbering from other people sitting next to me about Munich. I looked confused, the attendant looked confused. Finally I was told I needed to be at A11 which is all the way down on the opposite side of the airport. Well shit. 

I call the boyfriend running down and around screaming I've been at the wrong gate for the last 40 minutes. As if i'm already drawing enough attention to myself, i realize my boots give the appearance that there is a galloping horse in the airport.  I hang up the phone and arrive at A11. It's desolate, NOONE is there. No signs saying anything. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. 

I run and ask someone. they have no clue. Run into a lounge where a woman tells me my gate is A30. Just go back the way you came, take a right at the escalator and down there ramp. Say what, I have no idea waht you're talking about. 

"Well you better run, because boarding started 20 minutes ago..." 

Frantically running and finally finding an escalator hidden in a secret corner. Sweating. Out of Breath. I made my flight and 30 minutes later another group of people rush onto the plane. 

I ran for this ?

What's in a name?

A few years back, I was training my leadership team at the time for the upcoming school year and what their job really looked like. Leadership teams are always very diverse. If they aren't diverse than there is a huge gap that allows narrow-minded perspectives to royally screw the overall point of leadership-- that's another tangent. One of our biggest goals was to understand our team and allow our team to understand each other including their bosses. 

One of the training sessions was "what's in a name?" I might be making up the title but for this purpose it doesn't really matter. The point of the exercise was to understand where our names came from. We wrote our names on a huge white board and shared. At the time, I didn't really understand the point of the exercise. With most things, my approach is humor. I took the assignment with stride and turned it into a joke. Sharing what my almost name was. Based on other team building tasks, my team understood why it was an ironic thing.  

Although, I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to share, my team did. I learned so much about them. Some of them knew the heritage to their names, some were named after great influences in their family, some came from cultures where names meant things. I felt really blessed to hear what their names meant and I'm glad I learned that there was more to the exercise than what I could have imagined.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was naive. The meanings of names source back to the ancient of days. When reading the bible, I always take note when a name is mentioned followed by the meaning. It is everywhere. 

This is where my struggle begins. 

I have been aware of what my name means since I was a wee little one in missionettes-- t's like girl scouts for christians. I remember at my graduation into my next level, or some type of ceremony I was given a card that had my name on it. In big bold letters, "Samantha" means "listener." 

source: name meaning

I took note and found it a great reminder but also a great struggle. Looking in my prayer journals I would write words. "I just want to hear God's voice." "Let me be attuned to discerning what is God's voice." The pleas continued.  For the most part, I felt like I understood God's voice. I could hear him, sometimes audibly. I could feel his presence allowing me to know that I was where I needed to be. I knew when I needed to be more discerning that there is usually always more than one door or road to take. 

Nothing new under the sun really. 

But I think I've come to realize why I often times struggle. My name and it's meaning. It engrained in me, it flows in my veins. I used to want to be someone else. I would tell people my name was Jasmine or Arial, sometimes Sarah. I'm not really sure where Sarah came from. But now, I wouldn't want any other name. I want to be what my name means. I want that to be who I am. It's important to me.  I want to be that girl who understood what her name meant for the very first time. 

Source: Photography by the Flowerchild Dwelling

For the first time in a very long time I don't hear anything anymore. And I keep going back to the concept that God's favorite voice is silence. But coming from a girl whose name means listener, it makes it really hard to see and listen to things that I know are true. Especially in a time when I feel like I need to hear God's voice more than ever. I'm at this stand still and I have no more moves. I have no more plays. I have no more rationality or an understanding of where I'm supposed to be. I'm a girl who is lost, who can't hear the next thing. I'm a girl whose thoughts are loud lies and overtaking faster than I can process before the next idea takes over.  

a list

Mainly because I can't seem to focus my brain on one single subject at the moment, I'm going to make a list. Then you will semi-understand that I think I am going insane,

Note to self, write this down. Map out + brand your blog future. 

side note: create another new blog that fits the purpose to write freely and creatively. 

To visit the United States or not? 

A prayer: Jesus clear my mind. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to dream or not dream in my slumber but just give me clear focus that isn't hazy from irrational notions of fear and paranoia. 

Maybe I should take a technology fast for a bit. Or maybe it should just be a pinterest fast. I miss the days of creating without there being a shadow of someone else being exactly like you. Or someone saying, Oh yeah I say that on pinterest. 

To move or not to move? 

Is thinking about buying a house even a good idea. 

I miss having a 9-5 job. I hated having a 9-5 job. In general, I miss having a job. 

It would be really awesome to have a house that's community based and Jesus-centered. Plus, have a community garden and some chickens. 

Note to self: Read up on Pinterest how to garden. 

Are my thoughts normal? 

I'd love to photograph people more. I'm afraid of people. 

Maybe, I should learn how to drive again. Meh, another day. 

I miss sandy toes and the ocean's waves.

I should make a happy list. 

I wish I created more. 

I just forgot my next thought. 

thinking

still thinking

it's gone 

Maybe I should go work out. 

No, I'll let the french toast I just finished settle. 

I wish Jayde was here. 

His job sucks. 

Maybe I should consider grad school again...

The list actually continues but writing down all my thoughts is kind of exhausting. 

Am I having a nervous breakdown? 

apathetic + restless

If you give a girl a thought... 


The last few days I've been in one of those moods. The kind where you don't know what you want to do but you don't want to do what you're doing. Television and movies didn't suffice. Reading, eh. Crafting, not so much. Nothing really sparked anything in me. 

Then to add to the entire thing, I haven't been sleeping. Either crazy amounts of strange dreams or being wide awake until four in the morning, then I have this RLS type things that happens to me where I feel like my leg feels really heavy and I can never get comfortable. Depending what I'm wearing I have to change a bunch. First, it's the socks that make me uncomfortable. Then it's the leggings. On any normal day I live in leggings but something about nighttime, I start getting really claustrophobic and have to change into baggy pajamas. Then sometimes the covers become too much and I have to take them off my leg. Then I remember it's winter and cold. So, the covers come back on. Repeat. 

Then I start thinking, I start thinking how I only see glimpses of myself these days. Then that makes me sad. I start thinking about my friends and how I feel like I'm hiding out from all of them because I don't necessarily have "great" things to report to the mainland. Then I start reading news articles about planes crashing, children dying and my level of fear becomes a heightened train wreck. I check my facebook and a friend's friend and wife, colleague died on a freak accident while visiting the United States. They were CEO's of a non-profit and then you start thinking about all the people involved. Then what's next.  It's not even your life and you can't help but feel for them. 

Then there are moments when you find out one of your best friends is engaged and you are so happy for them but the only thing you can do is cry. And think, that would have been nice to have been there to share that moment. For them to be face to face or voice to voice, sharing that the love of their life has just proposed and they are getting married. Then you start thinking about how everything that you thought would be isn't as planned. Which is fine but then you start thinking more and the conclusion is an existential existence where you just don't understand life.   


.... she will run away with it and join the circus. 

Children and Silence really don't mix.

Living in a household of three girls all under the age of five is an adventure. They follow you around, get in all of your things and are constantly in your business. Privacy doesn't really occur to them. They are constantly laughing, screaming or crying. Silence doesn't ever really exist. UNLESS.

Yes, for all those mommies and nannies, you know the unless.

Lucia, sickly Kayla and I were watching The Mindy Project and Up All Night  I heard silence. My first response was to say something but I thought it was just my paranoid self. After catching up on the episodes it was time for the girls naptime.

Lucia goes into the girls' room and all of a sudden Lucia mumbles something and then there is more silence followed by, "Sam come in here."

I quickly scamper into the girls' room and see white. Not just a little it but white everywhere. It was almost like snow but without the cold. Josslyn decided that she would a)put every single toy in Vida's crib and b) use 1 1/2 bottles of baby powder on everything and yes, everything.

After moments of trying not to laugh, I finally ask Joss, "What made you think pouring baby powder over everything was a good idea."

Her response, "My heart told me to do it."

Then she progressed to explain to me that there was no other option because of her heart.

She is three.

obsessed in the worst way

facebook requests. you know what I'm talking about. The millions of questions asking you to join farmville, play a truth game, etc. Then there was candy crush. Months, I was bombarded with requests. Deny, Deny, Deny, one right after another.

Until my entire house started playing the game. Three adults sit hours on end to play this game. I would sit and read. Then I stopped, I downloaded the game. Now I am on one of them. Now it's four adults sitting hours on end playing candy crush. I hate it. absolutely hate, so much that I stopped sleeping. I'm awake until four waiting 30 minutes for my next life. I fail the level, decide it's time to sleep and then realize 30 minutes later, I'm wide awake.  I play candy crush again. and again and again. It's a vicious cycle. That I want to stop.

I don't play games. Okay, minus words with friends but it's been a while. Plus, I feel like my vocabulary get's better. But instead, I've switched into matching three matching squares at a time. I'm disgusted at myself.

That is my confession.

I have a problem.

Admitting is the first step.

Being a tourist, finally.

Yesterday was good. Not just good but great.

I finally felt like a tourist in the city I live in. Not the annoying kind but just truly curious kind. I had the perfect excuse too. My friends, Debbie and Paul, from Scotland were visiting a township in the area and had a day to spare. Luckily for me, they spent it with me.

I managed to convince Jayde to take a half day as well. I'm so glad he could take off work. I went to the embassy earlier in the morning and killed a couple hours in Sandton at Nelson Mandela Square. I went into a store and spent money I didn't mean to. So, after decided to kill time in a coffeeshop and grab a sandwich to keep myself from the temptation of spending unnecessary money.

After a couple hours, Jayde, Debbie and Paul picked me up and we went on a whirlwind tour of Johannesburg. We went over the Mandela Bridge and headed to Newtown.

Newtown was pretty dead on a Monday but Paul got some much needed fried chicken to make it worth our while. Newtown is a really cool part of the city. It's filled with history, old buildings and is known for it's artistic culture and museums.

Then we went to braamfontein. I like braamfontein a lot. It's filled with lots of little coffeeshops and boutiques. We went to one and I can't remember the name for the life of me but we all got the daily brew which wasn't coffee at all but a mix of mint + honey + lemon + one other ingredient that has left my mind blank. The shop designs of the area are so fun and colorful. Very much the minimalistic style.  Also, my kind of style. My next goal is to head to braamfontein on a Saturday to check out the Neighbourgoods Market.

After we got our architectural and coffeeshop kicks we went to the Johannesburg Botanical gardens. Despite it being winter right now, it was actually a perfect afternoon to take a walk and explore nature.
The botanical gardens have a lot to offer and my personal favorite. The rose garden with perfectly placed benches to take the beauty in and smell the aroma.

It was a great day and we ended the night with sitting down for dinner, drinking sangria and chatting the night away until we had to depart from our friends.

Although it was a whirlwind of the city, I'd say it was a pretty successful Johannesburg in 24 hours.

Independence Day

To all the American's out there, I'm hoping you're Independence day was fabulous and you had glimpses at how lucky you really are. Aside from all the negative of the country and silly politics and scandals. There is something we still have in some fashion or another. Freedom. I hope you're wearing that. Because aside from it all, we're still luckier than most. 

America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing cannot be denied: America is always on the move. She may be going to Hell, of course, but at least she isn't standing still. 

e. e. cummings 

Okay, I'm finished with my rant. 

Living in South Africa, I'm not without anything, really. But you start missing familiarities or certain ways of life.  For instance, I miss sno cones, ranch dressing and marshmallows. Strangely enough South African marshmallows tastes different. You start missing all sorts of things you never thought you'd miss.  Silly, things like knowing that if you left your cell phone at a restaurant there is a 95 percent chance that someone would turn it in. It's that mindset that you start missing. Not that it doesn't happen in America. But maybe I'm just more blinded by it. 

I'm sure I'll compile a lis sooner or later.

Have a safe weekend. 

on working out

I hate running. 

I love yoga. 

I despise cardio, glute and inner-thigh workouts 

I enjoy swimming, hiking and bike riding. 

For the most part, I enjoy working out.  I have accepted that it's something that should always be incorporated in my life. Not just for weight loss but as a healthy lifestyle and overall self. 

One major problem, I am highly unmotivated if I'm not part of a gym, class or friend group activity.  

Solution: Get over it. 

After being sick for what felt like a lifetime and battling the winter chill, I have to find other ways to get my exercise on. I really wanted a great yoga video. But my resources are a bit limited being in South Africa. So I splurged on an itunes purchase. 

I came up with this. 

A.) Purchase Yoga Mat B.) Purchase workout dvd 

1. Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown

it's okay. not my favorite but certainly enough to get the job done. 

then this came about. 

2. Jillian Michael's 6 week 6-pack abs

I did level one today without weights and I was dying. 

Which is promising but also really sad to see how out of shape I've gotten. 

I'm kicking myself for not doing this sooner, especially with Jayde and I's adventure next week. Ponto do Ouro. 

The Ocean has been calling my name. 

natural remedies, not so naturual remedies

feeling blue

Feel a little bit blue at the moment. My body hates me at the moment. All in a day, I got an eye infection, stomach cramps and what I think is a common cold. We're on day two at the moment. I intend to do absolutely nothing today. Minus the cookies I have to bake for Kayla's shop keeper day tomorrow. Seriously the easiest most simplest, yummy cookies ever. Crinkle Cookies. 

But after that, fingers crossed, locked in my room watching movies. 

What's your go to comfort for feeling blue?

Organizing: mind, spirit and life.

Do you ever have the problem to where you have one thing churning in your mind?  

You want to release it but lack of energy, motivation, or even tools seems to win. Then in conjunction, corresponds with the rest of your ideas, existence, or being. That this one thing manages to manifest into the simple, less thought-provoking things and that fixation that you still haven’t done the one thing you were wanting to do in the first place hasn't been done. Yet somehow,it effects the day-to-day and everything else manages to be placed on the back burner.

That’s how I feel with most aspects in life. Not just metaphorically but the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional.

I decided to put the one big thing that’s been churning at me, the one thing that I want to get out and explain, I decided to take the pressure away and start working on the little things.

Besides, isn’t it the little, small things that begin to add up? It’s the small things that become overlooked until we’re drowning in small issues and tasks that just originally needed to be pruned and maintained a bit. But they add up, and then restoration has to happen. Often times stripping the entire piece just to get to the core of what it is and start over.

Wow, I wasn’t intending to pour all this out.

I wanted to take the time to show you some of the details in my room in South Africa. Nothing fancy, just a couple visuals. 

please note the crooked lamp. it just doesn't want to stay straight. 

some random crafting + painting. had some bad dreams one night and decided to paint a dream catcher. 

postcard from time spent with my friend ashley in boston + a note for Jayde's wallet

tink the cat + perfect window lighting 

The Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Literally. Figuratively. Oops, maybe I gave too much away.

For a while now, I’ve felt like there was an elephant in the room. I shove it under my bed every so often, sometimes in the closet, never near a mirror. Mirrors reveal too much. And I’m not speaking of only myself. Everything is shown in a reflection, everything. Sometimes distorted depending on which way it’s looked at. 

I think that’s why I haven’t written with as much substance for a while now—give or take a few posts.

Trust is a really big issue for me. I don’t trust a lot of people. I’m an open book about most things unless I haven’t figured something out in my life. I’m rather reserved until I’m mad, then I’m an untamed animal. This only happens once every blue moon. Unless you’re my boyfriend, then you experience this more frequently. (If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.) On top of me not trusting often. I’m also overly hyper-aware of people and how ones actions could affect their life. So, I find myself constantly wracking me brain trying to do the right things, say the right things, keep my cool but mainly try to take care of others before myself. I think I learn that last trait from my mother. But I find that not everyone shares those same traits. Which confuses me. And hurts me.

There it is. The elephant in the room.

Hurt. I feel hurt. betrayed. And more than a little sad.

I’ve had friendship breakups before. They are always messy. Especially the ones that so much trust is invested. Maybe too much. Most likely.  Friends often times tell me how guarded I am.  So, I give more. I trust more. More times than not, in my opinion, I get the short end of the stick. It is just a reality.

But what hurts the most is when you’ve placed these people as lifers. They aren’t just the day-to-day, out of convenience because there is no one else. (Although, maybe this was their thought.) They are the ones that you picture in your wedding, standing next to you because your trust them with sharing this happiness with you and witness these intense life moments. And in the blink of an eye, that future memory fades and morphs into another future memory without. 

I think that adds to the hurt.

I speak fond memories of you. Often too.

They make me sad.

Maybe it’s the reason I don’t like elephants in the room so much anymore.

I changed to giraffes.