a list

Mainly because I can't seem to focus my brain on one single subject at the moment, I'm going to make a list. Then you will semi-understand that I think I am going insane,

Note to self, write this down. Map out + brand your blog future. 

side note: create another new blog that fits the purpose to write freely and creatively. 

To visit the United States or not? 

A prayer: Jesus clear my mind. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to dream or not dream in my slumber but just give me clear focus that isn't hazy from irrational notions of fear and paranoia. 

Maybe I should take a technology fast for a bit. Or maybe it should just be a pinterest fast. I miss the days of creating without there being a shadow of someone else being exactly like you. Or someone saying, Oh yeah I say that on pinterest. 

To move or not to move? 

Is thinking about buying a house even a good idea. 

I miss having a 9-5 job. I hated having a 9-5 job. In general, I miss having a job. 

It would be really awesome to have a house that's community based and Jesus-centered. Plus, have a community garden and some chickens. 

Note to self: Read up on Pinterest how to garden. 

Are my thoughts normal? 

I'd love to photograph people more. I'm afraid of people. 

Maybe, I should learn how to drive again. Meh, another day. 

I miss sandy toes and the ocean's waves.

I should make a happy list. 

I wish I created more. 

I just forgot my next thought. 

thinking

still thinking

it's gone 

Maybe I should go work out. 

No, I'll let the french toast I just finished settle. 

I wish Jayde was here. 

His job sucks. 

Maybe I should consider grad school again...

The list actually continues but writing down all my thoughts is kind of exhausting. 

Am I having a nervous breakdown? 

Organizing: mind, spirit and life.

Do you ever have the problem to where you have one thing churning in your mind?  

You want to release it but lack of energy, motivation, or even tools seems to win. Then in conjunction, corresponds with the rest of your ideas, existence, or being. That this one thing manages to manifest into the simple, less thought-provoking things and that fixation that you still haven’t done the one thing you were wanting to do in the first place hasn't been done. Yet somehow,it effects the day-to-day and everything else manages to be placed on the back burner.

That’s how I feel with most aspects in life. Not just metaphorically but the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional.

I decided to put the one big thing that’s been churning at me, the one thing that I want to get out and explain, I decided to take the pressure away and start working on the little things.

Besides, isn’t it the little, small things that begin to add up? It’s the small things that become overlooked until we’re drowning in small issues and tasks that just originally needed to be pruned and maintained a bit. But they add up, and then restoration has to happen. Often times stripping the entire piece just to get to the core of what it is and start over.

Wow, I wasn’t intending to pour all this out.

I wanted to take the time to show you some of the details in my room in South Africa. Nothing fancy, just a couple visuals. 

please note the crooked lamp. it just doesn't want to stay straight. 

some random crafting + painting. had some bad dreams one night and decided to paint a dream catcher. 

postcard from time spent with my friend ashley in boston + a note for Jayde's wallet

tink the cat + perfect window lighting 

The Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Literally. Figuratively. Oops, maybe I gave too much away.

For a while now, I’ve felt like there was an elephant in the room. I shove it under my bed every so often, sometimes in the closet, never near a mirror. Mirrors reveal too much. And I’m not speaking of only myself. Everything is shown in a reflection, everything. Sometimes distorted depending on which way it’s looked at. 

I think that’s why I haven’t written with as much substance for a while now—give or take a few posts.

Trust is a really big issue for me. I don’t trust a lot of people. I’m an open book about most things unless I haven’t figured something out in my life. I’m rather reserved until I’m mad, then I’m an untamed animal. This only happens once every blue moon. Unless you’re my boyfriend, then you experience this more frequently. (If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.) On top of me not trusting often. I’m also overly hyper-aware of people and how ones actions could affect their life. So, I find myself constantly wracking me brain trying to do the right things, say the right things, keep my cool but mainly try to take care of others before myself. I think I learn that last trait from my mother. But I find that not everyone shares those same traits. Which confuses me. And hurts me.

There it is. The elephant in the room.

Hurt. I feel hurt. betrayed. And more than a little sad.

I’ve had friendship breakups before. They are always messy. Especially the ones that so much trust is invested. Maybe too much. Most likely.  Friends often times tell me how guarded I am.  So, I give more. I trust more. More times than not, in my opinion, I get the short end of the stick. It is just a reality.

But what hurts the most is when you’ve placed these people as lifers. They aren’t just the day-to-day, out of convenience because there is no one else. (Although, maybe this was their thought.) They are the ones that you picture in your wedding, standing next to you because your trust them with sharing this happiness with you and witness these intense life moments. And in the blink of an eye, that future memory fades and morphs into another future memory without. 

I think that adds to the hurt.

I speak fond memories of you. Often too.

They make me sad.

Maybe it’s the reason I don’t like elephants in the room so much anymore.

I changed to giraffes. 

Starting Fresh

March: I can't believe it is March. We are almost 25% through the year. It was just January. 

Life is ever-changing.  Good things, of course. Moments that are constantly keeping me on my toes. I feel like I've experiences three dramatic seasons already. Every month is different. 

January---I was finishing up the busy season of nannying and my retail job and awaiting the boyfriend's arrival. Where the first week we had some lovely beach days and approached colder weather. I dragged him to the midwest.   

February--- The Boy and I wrapped up our midwest tours and spent the rest of the month in California exploring garden's, watching movies, attempting painting and basking in glorious beach days. We also discovered that we are the old married couple type. Then we had to say goodbye. 

LEAP YEAR. LEAP DAY. Starting of a new job. 

March--- I guess this makes me a grown up now. I now have a M-F, 8-5 job. Who am I right? My weekends are my haven. My first weekend was glorious. I slept in, lounged around and made some jewelry. While Sunday I spent all day at the beach and found my dress for Lor's wedding in September. 

This was the most uneventful post but give my some slack. 


On a completely opposing note.

Take a look at some of the pictures I took for the Give Prints Spring Tee's

From a confessional booth.

Pulls the curtain back. Sits in the chair. Turns video camera on. Clears throat. "Am I doing this right?" "Is this thing on?" Here it goes. Nervously looks away from the camera.

Don't worry folks, there is no scripted material here. 

This is reality. Not a false reality. Although, more recently I feel like I'm living in a false reality or secretly hoping that things aren't really as they seem and this was just a practice year. 

I have come to the understanding that I am neither here, nor there. I seem to be experiencing a discontentment in my existence.

It brings me back to Lewis Carroll's I picture Alice going through the rabbit hole learning her lessons of the "Coming of Age" and what the really looks like.  As her adventure ends, she wakes up from her dream. She is ready to grow into a lady, for she has gained wisdom in foolish ways. The foolish and childish ways are what will make the journey stick. She will always remember that she will never be old to dream and never be too old to learn something new.

home. A little background, I have always struggled with the idea of home. From the time of being a babe to the early stages of being an adult, the consistency of the same red, brick house is what I considered home. Six years later, when any person asks me where home is,  I find myself unaware of how to answer. My only response is "I am homeless." There is a constant confusion.

Years of analyzing home and what do I have to show for it.  A lot of slight understandings. And the most frustrating. I don't know if I will ever feel connected. I seem to find a little but of home where I go. Then manage to leave a piece of my heart. So as time progresses, I feel more and more scattered. Wondering how I'm supposed to be reunited with my pieces of home.

lost. Last January if you were to ask me, where was next the next step. California was not on my list. After some struggling with God. I realized he called me to stay and be still. In my opinion, I find I am in wasted time*. But, perspectives seem to be different.That's okay. Looking back, I'm sure I will reminiscent on that time saying, "Hey, remember that time that I felt like I was floating with no real direction, yeah that was fun." Being lost is not really fun for me at the moment. Especially, when I can't even figure out where I am. All I know is when I am sitting in church I get this feeling that I don't want to be here.

x marks the spot. Where is here. Here is there. There is here. Here is where.  Figure that one out. Then get back to me. Here, spiritually. That's a loaded question. Just give me Jesus. Here, physically. When I close my eyes, this is how I seem to picture myself. Photojournalist style in the field somewhere. Writing wherever I can find a place, mainly busy places. In some sort of trance or zone that whatever I am working on is powering itself. That words are spilling on the screeen. Images are speaking for themselves. That the story of whatever it is wants to get out. It must get out. I can picture myself so driven.  Then I open my eyes, look around and I see a living room and a couch that I am all too familiar with that seems to get more of my time that anything I am actually passionate about.

Source: facebook.com via June on Pinterest

confession. I live in fear. Almost everything in my life brings fear. I want to plan everything. I need to plan everything. I am a controller of time. This is an oxymoron of what I believe in. Especially what drives the woman, I feel I am becoming or am striving to become. The woman that I believe God is privileging me to be.

moral."Stay foolish, stay hungry.- Steve jobs. 

Looks at the camera. "The best is yet to come." Turns camera off. Walks away.

Source: i113.photobucket.com via Samantha on Pinterest

 * To my friends and family,  who I get to experience life with. I just wish we could experience more together. You are not wasted time. Talks over cups of coffee, friends being united, African adventures, Scotland love, good beach days. I do cherish all of it. The moments of loneliness and anxiety and me not being a good steward of my time. That is where my regret lies.