New Years Resolutions: Just be me

Sorry, I'm a procrastinator. Sorry, but I'm not really sorry.  

I decided to approach this year a little bit different. Maybe it's over-compensation for having no real motivation to better myself. But I also don't believe that's entirely true. 
I do want to better myself, but I don't want the new year to tell me that's what I need to do. 

So instead of goaling myself to lose 10 pounds, something I'd love to do. I'm not setting myself up for disaster with January 1. The reality is, I probably will lose 10 pounds but not because of a resolution. 

I just want to be me. I want to look at myself at the end of this year and recognize the woman I am and think, "this year, she was finally herself, not trying to mirror someone else or beat herself up for not being perfect when everyone else seems to be living this fabulous life." 

This years resolutions will go a little something like this. 

1. Eat more Chocolate 
2. Shave my legs less 
3. Snort 
4. Go out of the country. 
5. Search for home. 


You get the point. In the coming of the new year, I only want to be me, something I feel is a goal in itself. 

I also decided if learn something, that will be an accomplishment for 2014. 

On January first, I learned how to make a successful poached egg.  Score!!! 

Things I've already done since January 1. 

1. Learned to make a poached egg.
2. Gone out of the country. Mozambique. 
3. Had more family's dinners. 
4. Learned about a coconut 
5. Read 2 books, almost done with a third. 
6. Applied for three jobs. 

I'm sure there is more, but I'm blanking at the moment. 

On Christmas.

Let's be honest, I've yet to have one of those emotional revelations of the holidays this year. The typical one that I seem to rush the words out to make me feel connected to the rest of the world. Most holidays don't seem like holidays right now. A lot of it is environment and different perspectives and I'm in a completely different country all together that doesn't have snow a only couple hours away. Fireplaces and hot cocoa filled with marshmallows aren't even close to being mumbled on someone's lips. If fact, the only reason I know it's cold other places is the amount of pictures of snow and the hundreds of snow day facebook status' running wild. 

The truth is, I went swimming yesterday and basked in the sun. Because it is summer. My mom sent me a picture of a christmas tree and maybe that helped a bit knowing she was getting in the spirit... Still, I'm far removed from most things that I associate with the holidays. It's weird. 

I didn't have thanksgiving and the now traditional tree decorating the day after christmas with the Duke/Hypes family. I didn't have my first Starbucks Peppermint Mocha commemorating the holiday season. I didn't have the typical conversation with Jessi's grandma and family trying to find the closest starbucks that is always at least 10 minutes away...but I prevail anyways. 

It's strange how we associate those things. And without those associations those feelings don't seem to surface quite like they are supposed to. I've never been a fan of Christmas. 

Let's rephrase that. I've never been a fan of what Christmas' baggage brings. I hate that I never felt up to par with other children, but now I hate the fact that I felt like that. Because I was missing the mark. But I love Christmas. I love the unity of what it is meant to represent. I love how half of the traditions really do have a deeper meaning associated with or how even in, if not in original origin, new traditions symbolically symbolize a meaning bringing rebirth or all new purpose to something that adds into the christmas story. 

It's really is beautiful. 

I've never been a tacky, cheesy person though. I find myself to like classy things. (Maybe it's my opinion.) (people that have seen otherwise, wash it from your minds. yes, even that one, funny time.) (yes, I'm talking to you)

Christmas Music. 

I don't enjoy it. 

Minus Hanson's Christmas or N'SYNC's christmas albums. You know what I'm talking about. 

But in the last couple of years I have found a few albums that I think are beautiful and not-really cheesy in the slightest and I'd love to share. 

1. A Christmas Together 

A compilation of 4 volumes of music by talented artist of all different variety bringing meaningful and some fun songs to the masses. Tyrone Wells, Tim Timmons, Evan Wickham, Pawnshop Kings, etc...

Every Christmas season they do a tour that feels like family living room sessions and after these sessions, whether you were in the spirit or not, you feel grateful for the season and the compilation brings new light on life. 

2. Sleeping at Last- Christmas Compilation 2013 

It's free and beautiful. 

"Each year I record a Christmas cover song and give it away for free. It’s my version of a Christmas card. This has been tradition for many years now… for so many years in fact that it has accumulated (like snow) into this13-song Christmas album, I call my "Christmas Collection."

This year I chose the John Lennon and Yoko Ono classic, “Happy Xmas (War is Over.)” I had so much fun working on this one! I hope you enjoy my take on it and consider it a worthy addition to my ever-growing Christmas Collection. Thanks for listening!! - Ryan (Sleeping At Last)" 

3. The Civil Wars- Oh Come, oh come Emmanuel 

ALWAYS worth a listen. 

4. A Very She + Him Christmas 

Who doesn't love the adorable Zooey Deschanel + M. Ward duo. 

5. The Branches- Songs for Christmas  

Great harmonies and good causes. 

The album is a pay what you like kind of deal. Either for free or whatever is donated goes in support of Invisible Children.

"All tips received during this Christmas season will go to support the programs of Invisible Children directed at the reconciliation of children displaced from their homes by the LRA. No child should be away from their families, especially during the holidays. Help us give to this organization working towards bringing these families back together."

The Branches are for fans who enjoy Mumford and Sons, The Lumineers and The Head and the Heart. 



With that, I hope you all have a fantastic holiday.  Drink some hot cocoa for me, tell me a fun story and take a moment to value the importance of what this season means. 

a list

Mainly because I can't seem to focus my brain on one single subject at the moment, I'm going to make a list. Then you will semi-understand that I think I am going insane,

Note to self, write this down. Map out + brand your blog future. 

side note: create another new blog that fits the purpose to write freely and creatively. 

To visit the United States or not? 

A prayer: Jesus clear my mind. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to dream or not dream in my slumber but just give me clear focus that isn't hazy from irrational notions of fear and paranoia. 

Maybe I should take a technology fast for a bit. Or maybe it should just be a pinterest fast. I miss the days of creating without there being a shadow of someone else being exactly like you. Or someone saying, Oh yeah I say that on pinterest. 

To move or not to move? 

Is thinking about buying a house even a good idea. 

I miss having a 9-5 job. I hated having a 9-5 job. In general, I miss having a job. 

It would be really awesome to have a house that's community based and Jesus-centered. Plus, have a community garden and some chickens. 

Note to self: Read up on Pinterest how to garden. 

Are my thoughts normal? 

I'd love to photograph people more. I'm afraid of people. 

Maybe, I should learn how to drive again. Meh, another day. 

I miss sandy toes and the ocean's waves.

I should make a happy list. 

I wish I created more. 

I just forgot my next thought. 

thinking

still thinking

it's gone 

Maybe I should go work out. 

No, I'll let the french toast I just finished settle. 

I wish Jayde was here. 

His job sucks. 

Maybe I should consider grad school again...

The list actually continues but writing down all my thoughts is kind of exhausting. 

Am I having a nervous breakdown? 

Organizing: mind, spirit and life.

Do you ever have the problem to where you have one thing churning in your mind?  

You want to release it but lack of energy, motivation, or even tools seems to win. Then in conjunction, corresponds with the rest of your ideas, existence, or being. That this one thing manages to manifest into the simple, less thought-provoking things and that fixation that you still haven’t done the one thing you were wanting to do in the first place hasn't been done. Yet somehow,it effects the day-to-day and everything else manages to be placed on the back burner.

That’s how I feel with most aspects in life. Not just metaphorically but the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional.

I decided to put the one big thing that’s been churning at me, the one thing that I want to get out and explain, I decided to take the pressure away and start working on the little things.

Besides, isn’t it the little, small things that begin to add up? It’s the small things that become overlooked until we’re drowning in small issues and tasks that just originally needed to be pruned and maintained a bit. But they add up, and then restoration has to happen. Often times stripping the entire piece just to get to the core of what it is and start over.

Wow, I wasn’t intending to pour all this out.

I wanted to take the time to show you some of the details in my room in South Africa. Nothing fancy, just a couple visuals. 

please note the crooked lamp. it just doesn't want to stay straight. 

some random crafting + painting. had some bad dreams one night and decided to paint a dream catcher. 

postcard from time spent with my friend ashley in boston + a note for Jayde's wallet

tink the cat + perfect window lighting 

Phase One

Today.

I don't really know how to feel about today.

Unknown.

I walked into my day calm. Greeted with Starbucks from my co-worker/friend, Christine. Donuts and bagels in the breakroom. Had my final lunchdate.  As I cleaned my office and found cards and thoughtful gifts on my desk, my heart started pounding. By the end of the day, I didn't even know what to think.   I cleaned my office of all of my things and walked out the door of a place I had been for the last year into a world of unknown.  I didn't know how to go about leaving. So, I just left.

It was the end of a lot of things. Including my paycheck.

This is going to be an exhausting couple of weeks.

so this is the new year.

I always think of that deathcabforcutie song. 

"so this is the new year, and I don't feel any different." 

This year I do feel different. A lot of unknown. 

My 2012 started out great and ended in catastrophe. With the exception of ending the night with two of my best friends. 

January one: Spent the entire day/night throwing up. It was anything but glamorous. 
January two: My childhood dog was put to rest. 

Rest in Peace, Skeezer. You were always such a peculiar dog. But you were also my favorite first dog. 

January three: I'm scared to see what you will bring ?

I'm hoping that 2013 will be polar opposite of 2012. 

I know it wil. 

Revealing lots of secrets soon. 

Stay tuned. 

thoughts on prayer