"I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes."

Learning to be a proactive self-starter. 

After many committal issues and failed attempts to actually apply for big girl jobs... I've decided it's time to stop. 

Who knows, I'm probably not meant for the 9-5 but I'm more than what I'm doing now. I'm always scared and I'm always failing. Why not fail at something that could lead me in the right direction. 

My friend and soon-to-be roommate and I have discussed this multiple times. "Sam, what do you even want to do."

I sit there and pause. 

"Well, that's a great question, Mallory. One that I don't know how to answer." 

My smartypants remarks about "something creative with a purpose" or "embracing the mystery of life," seem to be taking it's toll. 

Yes, I want to have the "Semper Reformanda" mindset but is that mentality for my life right now being open to God or is it just because I'm afraid and it sets me up to always have the right answer. Kind of confusing but it makes sense in my head. 

"Semper Reformanda" is a phrase I learned in an awful "Christian Heritage" Course that I almost walked out of every time I sat down. Another story for another time but in looser terms it means, "always changing" or "always reforming." 

It dawned on me that I'm on the road to 24, young still but by then I will be graduated for 3 years. And what have I been doing?

I've had a lot of fun. 

But I've accumulated a lot of baggage.

I've been so blessed by provision but as an adult, I guess that's what most would call me, I've been rather selfish and scraping to get by. 

Since I've been back, I've managed to increase my living expenses. 

Community living has taken it's toll and turned me into an introverted craver. I get my own room now all inclusive with a bigger bed.

I get a new car, all inclusive with a bigger engine that likes to guzzle gas. 

And my very own boyfriend that takes a lot of money too. 

Rereading this phrase makes it sounds like I pay him. I don't pay him. He just lives 10,000 miles away. 

Go big or go home, eh ?

Bring it on. 

It's time to be proactive and create. 

sam may create is now open for business, folks. 

stay tuned. 

//edit//God bless my momma, leave it at that. That's all you need to know.

banner inspired by "Overboard"- Ingrid Michaelson

more true than ever

It is a sad truth. 

I remember the first time I heard it. It was the Season finale of Grey's Anatomy. There she is, a lady in a wedding dress, Alone. She's crying. I'm crying. Half the world is crying. In the background, you hear it-- the song.  "All I can do is keep breathing" over and over and over." 

"Who sings this song?" 

Google tells me "Ingrid Michaelson" 

Limewire, back in the day when I pirated all my music. 

I listened to the song over and over and over again. 

I cried to the song over and over again.

It spoke to me, it drove emotion. It seems to always fit.  Not in the way of the wedding dress scene in Grey's Anatomy, but for my daily life.  My constant thought, my constant plea. 

And once again, here I am dwelling with this song. 

The storm is coming, but I don't mind. People are dying, I close my blinds.All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now. All that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing. All we can do is keep breathing now.