Life lesson, part III

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

- The Great Kamryn

sometimes words kick your ass. 

thankfulness and light

This time of the year always makes me sad. I mean, like, really sad. Most things have the potential to set me off and I could be in near tears. I'm not really sure why. Everyone else around me appears to be a bundle of joy. Seeing everyone else happy makes me cynical. I know what you're thinking. Who is this girl that wishes sadness upon everyone she comes in contact with. This is not true any means. I would rather everyone else be happier than I was during this time. But my cynicism sprouts through jealousy of everyone's joyfulness. Jealousy and joyfulness. . . which if you know the definitions to those words at all... you should know that those words should never be in a sentence together and I have CLEARLY missed the point of it all. Well, my you are right my friends, I have missed the point completely as I do every year. 

Once upon a time I thought my sadness came from the fact that holiday tradition doesn't really run in my family, stockings weren't stuffed and I never really got what I wanted. Christmas was another looked over day. Then through a random conversation a few years ago with friends and family... I voiced my opinion.  Things started changing. I still felt empty. Go figure. 

Where every year around this time, I still feel filled with sadness and a chronic jealousy of other people's joy.  Where has my joy gone? 

Around this time I spend a lot of time alone. Taking various drives and means of escaping just to declutter my thoughts and values.The other night I went to this holiday concert with some awesome artist(pawnshopkings, tim timmons, molly jenson, to name a few) at my church singing christmas songs and carols. But all of them filled with joy overflowing even in dismay. They have found what they are looking for. 

Coming back to the idea that I have missed the point of what joy is and what this day means. It's not about stuff. Yes, gifts were involved but not like we understand them now. The wise men brought Jesus gifts all with extreme value and extremem meaning. 

Gold, frankincense and myrrh. Gold representing royalty and kingship on earth. Frankincense, a sweet smelling smoke, representing that He is divine. Myrrh, an embalming oil, that foreshadowed what was to come. Death. Jesus would sacrifice his life to redeem our souls.  

My soul has been redeemed. hallelujah. 

So I ask myself again. 

Where is my joy. 

I am saved. The Mighty One died so I would have life. 

For in this moment, I have missed the point that I have only looked at a small portion of the story. 

There are far greater things ahead. 

Filling the void.

Communication is hard,

source: il lee

in any situation really. Some people are worse at it than others. I am great about calling people out when there communication sucks. But when it comes to me, I act like I am perfect at it. It's probably the stubbornness in me.  I'm a real jackass when it comes to being critiqued. Truthfully, I really suck at communicating. Something about it is exhausting and I find myself shutting down when I have to communicate in different situations. I just act like nothing is happening or someone isn't talking to me.  More so recently than in other times.

Long distance is hard.  Although, I'm quite biased, my situation is worse than others. (I'm much luckier than others too.) 
Long distance communication is even harder.
Especially when there is a disconnect and finding ways to connect proves to be harder than the day before and the day before that. Where you find yourself spinning and spinning into a black-hole. You start losing sight of what really matters, vision becomes foggy and anything that happened before just gets pushed aside. You just kind of forget it all and bury yourself even deeper into the void.

When people begin asking questions.  Sometimes a blank stare and shrug is all that can be mustered. Because maybe actually talking to somebody about it could actually be worse, depending on what day it is and how you're feeling for that day. Which most days you rarely feel a thing. 

I know how this sounds, this sounds awful. And it actually is. This is a constant battle. 

Then the question arises. 

Why are we doing this? 

Then there are other days where you meet a complete stranger. Where you have to start from the beginning. Where the beginning begins putting the fight back in to you. Where Divine appointment results in prayer and encouragement. When you feel at your emptiest only to remember that the beginning started with Divine appointment. 

The fight continues. 

filling the void, when there is no form. 

words for the soul

words for the soul: a roundup of some of my favorite typography clothed with words that stir.

Source: flickr.com via Samantha on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Samantha on Pinterest

Source: ministryoffairies.tumblr.com via Samantha on Pinterest

Source: elementsofstyleblog.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

more of you, less of this.

I can't help but think something is brewing.  Our desires are stirring and this world knows there is something more. We want peace. Our soul won't rest until there is change.

This is a hope that I continue to hold on. If I don't, I find that I've lost a motive to keep going.  Have you noticed how when everyone seems to get on board with something. Bandwagon or whatever it may be, it becomes tainted. Whether from the cynics or from the root of a potential shift. Something always goes wrong. My hope is that someday, change won't become tainted. No ulterior motives. It is what it is and it becomes beautiful. The journey becomes worthwhile.  We begin fighting for the garden of Eden rather than fighting for a more extensive hell.

transition.

Transitions. Let's be honest. They are inescapable. They are everywhere, you can't hide from them you can't not use them.

First they impose in writing. Then they become imposters in our life whether we want them or not. That's the things with transitions, there are always two kinds to a story. There is the seamless, perfect transition that just makes sense. Then there is abrupt shift in change that begs the question, WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD.

Transitions.

For the last 12 months, I have been in transition. Looking back on it and looking forward on it. When is there not going to be a transition. Life is a constant changing state. I can also say with honesty that this year has not been my best with everyone encouraging me there is a reason for everything. Actually, not in the cheesy way, but with utmost concern and with actual hope that this stage in life is just the beginning to something bigger. But what makes this year different than last.

Last year, I would proudly tell you what state of life I was in. With a smirk on my face, I would boldy say, Well, I am embracing the mystery of life. 

Somewhere a shift happened.  Is it my age? Last, I checked I've only grown a year old than the year before. Thus, this thorn in my foot, this transition has to do with me.  And it seemed to be almost seamless--this is scary.

I hope to once again be able to say, smugly, I might add,  I am embracing the mystery of life.

Without transition, the world is in a scary place.  Life would be in a boring place. The transitions are what take us to our intended purpose. A purpose that doesn't always look as planned or look like it should in the conventional sense.

*                  *                   *                     *                      *

All of this came into play within the last 24 hours. A very grownup revelation. Last night as I was nannying a girl I really enjoy spending time with. She and her cousins asked me if I had kid. I laughed. "No, I don't have kids. I mean, I could but no, I don't need one." 

This seemed like a preposterous that. Mainly, because I get the question regularly "Oh, what are you studying in school?" Et cetera. Then a little bit later I was talking to the girls aunt and was asked the same thing. "Do you have kids?" It's funny. I hate being considered still in school yet I hate being considered that I could be a mom.  Somewhere there is a middle ground, yeah? 

But it made me realize that I am getting older. In the last year, I have had a handful of friends embark in marriage.  I have had a handful of friends make the decision to bring new life to this world. (A good, 6 or 7 of them are having/have had their babies within the last month or 2) A few friends becoming aunts and uncles. I have had friends move across the country and across the world.

In fact, one of those transitions are happening as we speak. At 5:45 this morning, I received the call and rushed over to their house, watching them walk out the front door to go to the hospital. Then waiting for the boys to wake up to tell them the good news. 

How cool is that? 

All of these are transitions. All of them are beautiful. There are the sticky transitions in the middle that add to overlooking and the taking for granted of the good. 

some of my favorite words

Source: Uploaded by user via Samantha on Pinterest

Words, just letters that formulate meaning.

As I listen to the rain, I question what I'm feeling verses thinking.

I think I am in melancholy mood but in truth, I feel joyful.

I actually really enjoy the word "joyful"-- it delivers far more hope than just the silly adjective "Happy."

Have you ever thought how we get words and their definitions. How a word can be a derivative of positive thinking and then all of a sudden become a negative.

For instance:

Gay.

The original definition-- to be merry, to abound in social pleasures

The more recent definition-- To be a homosexual.

The definition to be honest, isn't the negative part. It is the adjectives that lead t0 deeply disappointing behaviors. The unkind things that can be said, those adjectives which lead to action.

Maybe, a sorry example but it was what first popped into this head of mind.

As I place letters

strategically

in sequential pattern

that only adds up to

a formula that humankind learns to be meaning

as expression.

These letter combination hurt, they are not always uplifting.

I work with kids a lot and all in fun and games they will yell to their friends or sibling, "You are stupid," "You aren't worth anything," or "You are dirt."

And it hurts my heart.

It tears down.

But when positive letters are formed to create beautiful and uplifting truth, First instinct hit. We are prone to turn down the positive.

Most commonly with a response like, "Actions speak louder than words."

But only with the positive, rarely ever the negative.

Why?

Is it because we don't trust the good that is said; but we readily trust the negative and the words that lack hope.

We believe the empty.

So my prayer is this:

That we may live in his image

live with intention

and speak with meaning

that builds hope.

[. Love. Peace. Hope. Joy. Wonderful. Beautiful. Lovely. Strong. Free. Safe. Adventurous. Courageous. Wise. Friend. Adoration. Inspiring. Creative. Unique. Special. Handsome. Cunning. ]