Rekindle and Refresh

Recently, after many conversations with 20-somethings and 30-somethings, I am sad to say that my music finding abilities is subpar. With absolute truth, (at least with my absolute truth), I was once what you would call a music-trendsetter. Yes, I was one of those who used the term, “Yeah, they’re good, I discovered them a couple of years ago and saw them playing in a venue of about 20 people. I think I enjoy their old stuff a little bit more.”

Maybe this was just because I was young and thought I was so cool in the un-cool sort of way. Like I said, I was one of those. 

I’ve recently been having a conundrum of not really being excited about new music. As in, I haven’t found anything honestly to be too excited about. Plus, I seem to have lost the ability to know how to find new music.

The magazine that I’ve been freelancing for has been making me very aware of this. They debut music that I’ve never even heard of with me thinking, “Is this the stuff, the cool kids are listening to these days.” Then I begin to question it. Why is this good?

Then I interview one of those cool bands and they start telling me who inspires them and I fake my way through most of the conversations throwing out terms that I know can buy me 30 seconds of credibility.  I break a sweat every time.

The other night, I was attempting to actually find some NEW music that I enjoyed that doesn’t keep me bored. That isn’t only the melancholy-chill sounding music.

I want something that I can put on a mix and blast while speeding down the freeway. Right now, country is all I’ve been listening to for the last 6 months. My ears are craving something more.  I want to feel excitement through the music and be able to fake-know the lyrics all the way through.  Feeling good about what I just heard.

I went to youtube and from there stayed up until about 4 AM listening to random music. I actually found some that are promising and look forward to listening more. 

Here are a couple of my finds. Both are very different types but I got excited when I heard them. Listen, Listen  

1. Dry the River- No Rest
2. Let's buy Happiness- Fast Fast 

From a confessional booth.

Pulls the curtain back. Sits in the chair. Turns video camera on. Clears throat. "Am I doing this right?" "Is this thing on?" Here it goes. Nervously looks away from the camera.

Don't worry folks, there is no scripted material here. 

This is reality. Not a false reality. Although, more recently I feel like I'm living in a false reality or secretly hoping that things aren't really as they seem and this was just a practice year. 

I have come to the understanding that I am neither here, nor there. I seem to be experiencing a discontentment in my existence.

It brings me back to Lewis Carroll's I picture Alice going through the rabbit hole learning her lessons of the "Coming of Age" and what the really looks like.  As her adventure ends, she wakes up from her dream. She is ready to grow into a lady, for she has gained wisdom in foolish ways. The foolish and childish ways are what will make the journey stick. She will always remember that she will never be old to dream and never be too old to learn something new.

home. A little background, I have always struggled with the idea of home. From the time of being a babe to the early stages of being an adult, the consistency of the same red, brick house is what I considered home. Six years later, when any person asks me where home is,  I find myself unaware of how to answer. My only response is "I am homeless." There is a constant confusion.

Years of analyzing home and what do I have to show for it.  A lot of slight understandings. And the most frustrating. I don't know if I will ever feel connected. I seem to find a little but of home where I go. Then manage to leave a piece of my heart. So as time progresses, I feel more and more scattered. Wondering how I'm supposed to be reunited with my pieces of home.

lost. Last January if you were to ask me, where was next the next step. California was not on my list. After some struggling with God. I realized he called me to stay and be still. In my opinion, I find I am in wasted time*. But, perspectives seem to be different.That's okay. Looking back, I'm sure I will reminiscent on that time saying, "Hey, remember that time that I felt like I was floating with no real direction, yeah that was fun." Being lost is not really fun for me at the moment. Especially, when I can't even figure out where I am. All I know is when I am sitting in church I get this feeling that I don't want to be here.

x marks the spot. Where is here. Here is there. There is here. Here is where.  Figure that one out. Then get back to me. Here, spiritually. That's a loaded question. Just give me Jesus. Here, physically. When I close my eyes, this is how I seem to picture myself. Photojournalist style in the field somewhere. Writing wherever I can find a place, mainly busy places. In some sort of trance or zone that whatever I am working on is powering itself. That words are spilling on the screeen. Images are speaking for themselves. That the story of whatever it is wants to get out. It must get out. I can picture myself so driven.  Then I open my eyes, look around and I see a living room and a couch that I am all too familiar with that seems to get more of my time that anything I am actually passionate about.

Source: facebook.com via June on Pinterest

confession. I live in fear. Almost everything in my life brings fear. I want to plan everything. I need to plan everything. I am a controller of time. This is an oxymoron of what I believe in. Especially what drives the woman, I feel I am becoming or am striving to become. The woman that I believe God is privileging me to be.

moral."Stay foolish, stay hungry.- Steve jobs. 

Looks at the camera. "The best is yet to come." Turns camera off. Walks away.

Source: i113.photobucket.com via Samantha on Pinterest

 * To my friends and family,  who I get to experience life with. I just wish we could experience more together. You are not wasted time. Talks over cups of coffee, friends being united, African adventures, Scotland love, good beach days. I do cherish all of it. The moments of loneliness and anxiety and me not being a good steward of my time. That is where my regret lies.

under construction

slowly but surely, i will figure out the correct layout. ay ay ay ay.

The writer: the beauty in the mess

I was going to write a post but then found this and I decided I needed to meditate on this. Make known all the messes I've been hiding under the bed and throwing in Monica's* closet.

“Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

* As homework, please watch the episode of Friends- The One with the Secret Closet. Circa 2002. 

This example will make so much more sense. Here is a glimpse of what I mean. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apvf4UihPd8

Music Review: Something in the Wheel

Why I have never shared my love of this band? I have just been so darn lazy preoccupied with everything. (this is an understatment because I started writing this draft in 2010)

Something in the Wheel, a Texas/Oklahoma-based band delivers anything but unrealistic expectation for living a relevant life. 

Something in the Wheel is a quirky duo, Michelangelo Morreale and Daniel Pease.  Debut album The Life & Old Times of Ol' Nathaniel, musically produces raw sounds that contain honest lyrics that pull emotions by bringing sheer joy at points whilst other moments bring "a contemplating the world" mentality of what is just and unfair. 

Here I stand and Let justice roll down are among those that share a heart that beats for something more than just the standard.  There is great story telling to be told.
Something in the Wheel grasps that. 

The harmonies of the two work together like peanut  butter and jelly as well as the combination of instruments; the  banjo, guitar, harmonica and mandolin, and and a few extra players thrown in the mix, the duo captivate a rather loyal community.

Something in the Wheel should be heard. 

>>>> The girl with the latin tattoo.

In an attempt to force the creative juices flowing, I'm starting a series with at least four installments to start. I only say four because as {most of } you know, I have a commitment complex. That is a little more than a funny joke.  It is a slight problem. Here goes nothing. 




>>>>>>Semper Reformanda. No she's not in the Marines. She referring to me which is I. Let's try this again. Ready. I. 


I am not in the Marines, that would mean Semper Fi. Although Semper Fidelis is also latin, meaning "always faithful." 

Now we are talking about Semper Reformanda. The real subject. A few years ago I was sitting through a Christian Heritage class at my university. This was the most dreaded class of the week and it happened twice. I say dreaded mainly because I learned almost nothing. Except how to curse excessively. No, really. True story, my cursing like a sailor mentality really kick started with this class. There came a point in this class known as the shift. If you were to skim through my notes for this class it would be clearly obvious to know where the shift occurred. The shift was the point in the class where my professor went on a random tangent and then picked up somewhere leaving my notes with inconsistency. This is where I would type my frustrations in anger. And officially stop taking notes. Contemplating the rest of the class if I should just walk out. I never did. 


Mainly because I felt like it would cause a domino effect and everyone would follow. Maybe too many 80's/early 90's movies lead to this feeling. Another reason why I never brought a boom box to class. 




I say, I learned almost nothing until I learned something. The term Semper Reformanda. "Always Changing" or "Always Reforming." Often times connected to Ecclesia semper reformanda which means "The church must always be reforming." I knew that the phrase meant something worthy in my life. Something that hits my core.  The ability to always change and never be content. This is a challenge to not dwell on God in only one form. He is constant, but the way he reveals is not. Once we figure out a mystery, we lose interest. My relationship with God will always continue in mystery. 

*photo credit:katie shroy photography

The coming of all things love.

Winter Intermission. 


The coming of all things love. It is the feeling of the first heat of a new year with the sun pounding on your skin. It is the sound of the first waves like a a heartbeat thumping and pounding-- All in unison. Celebrating that spring is coming; reminding that summer has not abandoned us. 


Today is but a glimpse of all things love.  











Today, was great. I can't believe I wasted my morning but that didn't stop me from basking in the remaining beautiful weather. I drove to the beach and parked in less than 5 minutes. I think that is considered a pretty successful day in itself. Can you believe it, the beach in January. 


Well done 2012. 

I am having trouble containing my excitement.

AHHHHH. She is here.





I can't wait to meet you. 


Congratulations to Edgar and Lucia. You're my favorite South Africans.